Granger Danger

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 14 episode on CBC

If you thought one Granger was tough to handle, brace yourself for Becky Granger Jr (aka Kylie). We are introduced to young Kylie in a genteel scene reminiscent of a Henry James novel or perhaps the mannered protocol of Upstairs Downstairs. I'm kidding of course. Becky actually busts in on lil' sis like Jason Bourne on steroids and proceeds to trash the joint in a rage. As the two Grangers slug it out like extras from Robocop, we can't help but notice the classy digs which Kylie is inhabiting.

That doesn't last because the guy who actually owns the house has the temerity to show up (yes, he's a pilot and no, he's not one of Deirdre's ex-boyfriends).  The reason for Becky's violent house call is revenge. She wants to know why lil Kylie gave a bad recommendation to the adoption committee and scotched Becky's chance to adopt a nice little non-smoking, non-drinking child.

Anyhoo... after a couple of left hooks and some UFC choke holds, the two sisters start talking and one thing leads to another. Before you can say "lock up the booze, the hotpots and money in the till", Becky returns to the Rovers Return with a rover (what the frig are you on about? - ed).  The bottom line? Becky has brought Kylie to live with her and Steve at the pub. Well, that should go swimmingly, don't you think?

All I can say is Roy and Hayley better lock up their woody (and their car too - ed) because Kylie looks to be every bit as wild as her big sister. On the other hand, I'm sure Slug (or Slag or Slime or whatever his name is) will be rather chuffed.

Buster Toughguts reporting for duty

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the April 18 episode on CBC

There seem to be a lot of overt and not-so-overt competitions going on in the Street right now.

First, there is the "fairest barmaid in Weatherfield" contest which is creating ripples at the Rovers. (Lager glass, lager glass, on the wall. Who is the fairest of them all? - ed).  This contest follows on the heels of the 'oldest barmaid' contest which Betty won by a landslide (although subsequently contested by another senior server who mysteriously passed away). There seems to be no end of these pub-oriented competitions. How about saving some time and combining a few of them (i.e. oldest and fairest barmaid contest). Just a suggestion.

On the adoption front, it seems that the Windasses have pulled into the lead on the strength of Eddie's brazen use of his son to tug at the emotional heart strings. While Steverino, armed only with a doll named Buster Toughnuts or Toughguts or something, comes in second and the adoption lady doesn't seem that impressed by either Steve's action figure or Becky's monkey (don't ask -ed). 

And, if there was ever any doubt that love is indeed a battlefield, look no further than the love 'quadrangle' of Graeme-Tina-Jason-David. It seems that Jason and David are still, in some crazy way, trying to compete for the affections of Tina. Now, that's a contest which I bet won't end happily for anyone..

Weatherfield Police caught napping?

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 30 episode on CBC

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing but respect for the boys in blue (I love the Blue Man Group too. They're outrageous - ed) but I can't help feeling that Weatherfield's finest were, how you say, caught napping when summoned to the urgent situation at Underworld.

Who knows? Maybe the cops are simply tired of getting calls from Coronation Street. ("Hello, you've reached the Weatherfield Police Force. Your call is important to us. Using your touch tone phone, please select one of the following options.For armed assault, press 1. For burglaries, please press 2. For dog napping, press 3. For murders, press 4. For anything involving David Platt, press 5.")

Anyhoo, it does seem to me (an innocent bystander) that the police were a tad tardy in getting to the scene of the crime leaving only poor Roy Cropper to deal with a gun-toting pyromaniac ("Mr. Gordon, I respectfully urge you to reconsider your current insidious course of abnormal behavioural dysfunction as your pernicious deeds will certainly not go unpunished").

Only while Becky is hammering away at the front door of Underworld (while the fellas watch!) do the cops finally show up. But then they do nothing except call Tony on the phone ("There's no answer sergeant. Should I ring again in ten minutes or leave a testy message?") and use about 300 feet of police tape to keep people away from the factory. Then, sometime later, it occurs to the police to ask ex-hostage Hailey what's going on inside Underworld. At one point a couple of the officers are even seen HAVING A CUP OF TEA with Michelle, Ryan & Ciaran!

Fortunately the fire department shows up and rams the factory door open. The rest, well... you know what happened. All I can say is thank goodness for Becky, my personal hero and Corrie's Wonder Woman.

Legs, Breasts & Brains

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Nov 16 episode on CBC

I'm sorry fellow Corrie fans but I can't get myself interested in the latest spat between Steve and Becky. Don't get me wrong. When their romance started, I thought it had a certain spark and I was looking forward to a tempestuous and stormy relationship. Unfortunately, as Woody Allen once said, a relationship is like a shark. It has to keep moving forward to survive and what we have here is... a dead shark.(sounds fishy - ed).

With that in mind, let's review the current issues on the Street:

Legs I.
Specifically, Kelly's legs, and their role in making Steve's motorcycle look good and making Becky mad and then sad.

Legs II
Specifically, Joe's and the impending threat of breakage, courtesy of Rick, your local loan shark (sounds fishy again -ed)

Breasts
Sally is recovering after surgery while Rosie is augmenting through surgery and it's all driving Kevin 'nuts' (please don't mention nuts around Kevin - ed)

Brains
Looks like Simon is one smart little cookie according to his teachers. Thanks goodness for one uplifting piece of news and congratulations to the proud parents (you mean the former alcoholic/bigamist & escort/arsonist? - ed).

Steve & Becky; Tyrone & Molly

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Nov 9 episode on CBC

Two relationships are in the spotlight and they couldn't be more different.

At one end of the Street, Molly is pulling the plug on her marriage to Tyrone. After only a year of blissful marriage (nine months if you exclude the horizontal jogging with Kevin - ed), the couple is history. Truth be told, their happiest days were long gone: a shared love of dogs, restoring an old mobile burger van and sharing the old rec-tory (Number 9 Coronation Street) with Jack & Vera. Oh, I know, some will say that their wedding didn't bode well just because Tyrone was in handcuffs, then fainted and then had his honeymoon airline tickets stolen by his Mum (Jackie Dobbs, skiver and jailbird extraordinaire). Still, the break-up scenes were heartbreaking and it was sad to see the couple part ways.

At the other end of the Street, we move from the sublime to the ridiculous. Steve and Becky are having a disagreement about kids which has, in true Steve-o fashion, escalated into a childish tantrum display. To the punters at the Rovers, it must seem like the panto is still going on (oh no, it isn't -ed). Steve is buying new golf clubs, getting bladdered with Kelly ('I've got legs, dammit') Crabtree and proclaiming that he and Becky are 'separated' . This reminds me of their 'funnymoon', a faux honeymoon. However, this time it's a kind of 'funny separation'  (funeration? - ed). Please stop the madness. Think of Amy (who's Amy? -ed). Any more of this bickering and her verbalization development skills could be severely affected (too late - ed).

The offal truth

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Sept 27 episode on CBC

So, let's summarize: Ashley smells like offal, Steve is pasty-faced and a potential 'ugly sister', Becky has figure like a broom and Claire... well... Claire could easily find herself on the losing end of a catfight if she continues to be 'friends' with Becky. It's an odd combination. Becky is a bit of a loner and a woman of the world with a checkered past. Claire is a straight-laced, school marm with mental health issues. It's certainly the oddest odd couple since Alf and Audrey got together.  (I now pronounce you Mayor and wife - ed)

Apparently, the only thing that could possibly bring Claire & Becky together is (free booze and paracetamols? - ed) ... a pantomime. Hmm. According to Wikipedia, pantomime incorporates: song (Rita & Michelle), dance (Kelly), buffoonery (Dev), slapstick (Dev again), cross-dressing (Graeme), in-jokes (Norris), audience participation (the Windasses), and mild sexual innuendo (Molly & Kev).  So I guess we have the basic ingredients already.

I believe the art form also requires two people dressed up in an animal costume, like a horse or a cow. In a single costume, one actor is the head and front legs, while the other is the body and back legs. I would respectfully suggest that Lloyd play the ass. (I second that motion - ed)

The only remaining question is where on earth can you stage a pantomime in the Rovers? (Graeme says there's lots of room in the ladies' bog - ed).  I'll leave that logistical conundrum in the hands of our esteemed landlord, Steve Macdonald. Can't wait for opening night.

***

Thanks very much for the comments and the heads-up regarding Blanche's last screen appearances. I am fervently hoping to see Blanche find Ken in the department store playing Santa. The look on her face plus the resulting stream of caustic one-liners would be priceless. Cheers.

we've written our own vows

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 2 episode on CBC

Yes, we all shed a tear yesterday when the fair Becky (that was Becky under the headgear, right? - ed) got married to Steve, but the ceremony itself was a little impersonal. I'm wondering what it would have been like if the bride and groom had written their own special vows for the occasion. I think it might have gone something like this...

Registrar: At this time, I'd like to call upon Steven and Rebeca to recite the vows that each has written for this special occasion. Rebeca?

Becky: Right well, I'm not an expert or anything but here goes. Steve, you are my kind of guy and we had a right fabbo time, during our funnymoon. Remember loverboy? Okay, so last time we did this, I was so legless I didn't make it here but I'm sober now, well almost. So that proves I'm your gal and I'm serious about this marriage thing. I'm a winner. babe. I love Royston and Hales but mostly you, loverman. And, (provided this registrar - whatever that is - is for real and not some wacko from a looney bin), I'll say this:
I'll marry you now
though I can be a right stroppy cow
I'll take that wedding vow
Wow.

Registrar: er thank you Rebeca. Steven?

Steve: What? Oh, yeah, right. Well, I haven't had much time and, well, you know what I'm like with words and pens. Anyhow, I jotted something down while I was on the switch yesterday at Streetcars. It's a bit like one of them um... what'ya call it... poems. So here goes:
Becky, I love the bones off ya.
And I know you love me too.
If you say "Michelle"
I will say: "Michelle who?"
You're a right fit bird.
Or so I have heard
Yeah, I know that Slug's been hanging around.
But he just wants to drag you down
So let's get spliced
Cause I think it will be nice

Registrar: Um thank you. You may now kiss the bride.

Poppycock

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 29 episode on CBC

I don't know about you but I'm a little chagrined to see Poppy dispatched so quickly and so rudely from the Rovers. Although she wasn't one of the premier bar-staff at the Rovers, I thought Poppy had potential, perhaps as a legover partner for Lloyd or a romantic interest for any number of single punters on the street (Len Windass, comb your hair - ed).

But then, as if by magic, Poppy suddenly becomes an antagonist to... of all people... Betty Turpin!
How on earth did that happen? Betty, the 'barmaidus emeritus' of the Rovers, is always a little grumpy but hasn't had a bona fide feud with anyone since Winston Churchill was Prime Minister ('I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and hotpots' - ed).

So now interim-manageress, Poppy, and Betty are going at it hammer and tongs. Of course, Liz is still in Spain, indulging in three of her favourite pastimes (smoking, tanning and toreadors), so it's up to Steve, the all-pro procrastinator, to make a management decision.

Apparently, someone has to go and it looks like it has to be Poppy. Why? Well, according to Becky, it's because Poppy is a "bossy two-faced cow and nobody wants you here". Well, by that criteria, no-one on Corrie would have a job. Anyhoo, the task's not complete without a mini-slanging match and before you can say 'UFC (Ultimate Female of Corrie), Beckie & Poppy are having a catfight in the Rovers (another day, another catfight - ed) and it's poor Poppy who is expelled from the premises by the hair extensions (hair today, gone tomorrow - ed).

Poor Poppy, we hardly knew ye.

UFC: Becks v. Crabby

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the December 15 episode on CBC

UFC, you ask? (Unlimited Fights on Corrie). On the card tonight: 'Bend it like' Becky Granger versus Kelly 'Crabby' Crabtree. Let's go ringside to the Rovers and pick up the play-by play with our announcer:

"Two great fighters here, both graduates from the school of hard knocks (two streets over, near the viaduct - can't miss it). And, folks, you can bet there's no love lost here. There's the bell and they're off. Crabtree comes in for a first shot across the bow: 'I knew you when you were nowt but a stinking druggie.'

Oooh, that smarts but Becks strikes back with a quick counterpunch: "Get out of my bar."

Crabtree is on the offensive and tries another jab: 'You know it’s amazing where hard work gets you. Oh, sorry, you didn’t get here by hard work, did you? No, you got here by screwing boss.'

And it's on. Becks is in there with a 'blouse grab' and yanks Crabtree out of the serving area. What a move! First point to Granger. Now she follows up with an arm lock and the crowd goes wild. Great technique by Becks and a beautiful one-two combination.

But wait folks, it's far from over. Crabby fights back. She's out of the arm lock, turns and shoves Becks right on her bum and into the cheap seats. How do ya like them apples? Yes, sir! The crowd loves it and Crabtree is scoring valuable points. Is that it for Granger? She looks tired and Crabby is turning her back, she thinks she's won. Becks is down for the mandatory eight count, but... hold the phone... she's back up. Does Becks have anything left in the tank? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, she does. She certainly does.

Granger is back up on her feet and now she's got Crabtree in a combination face grab and choke hold. Ow! That's gotta hurt. Now Becks is really going at it. She's got the upper hand. She's got the momentum and now she's launching Crabtree out the Rover's front door like a fake-fur clad scud missile.

What a fight, ladies and gentlemen. One for the ages. And the decision goes to: 'Bend it like' Becky Granger in a decisive victory. Join us again next week when Becks defends her title against another challenger. "

bin there, done that

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the October 28 episode

We've been hearing the verb 'bin' a lot lately as a synonym for 'dump' or 'get rid of'. It's used mainly in connection with Steve and Michelle and the question usually is: Will Steve 'bin' Michelle - and, if so, when? Of course, in the Wonderful World of Steverino, this action is necessary so he can boink Becky on a full time (instead of part-time) basis. But the problem is Steve can't or won't take that big step, he won't 'bin' Michelle. It's a problem and we know that Stevie-boy is on the horns of a dilemma (very horny, actually - ed) because of the wide variety of facial gymnastics which his rubbery, expressive face is displaying on a regular basis.

Why all the hesitation on Stevo's part?

Well, of course, there's the spineless factor, especially when it comes to women. Then there's the problem of Michelle getting more likeable. This is a recent phenomenon. Just when Steve is working himself up to do some actual 'bin-ing', she turns around and becomes all nice and lovable. She's drinking red wine, looking sexy, listening to UB40, doing the Steve 'samba' - (twice in one night thank you very much), making surprise dinner plans and taking Amy to school. What's not to like?

As for Stevie Blunder, well Operation Bad Boyfriend has been a total bust. The only result so far has been the anger and disappointment of Becky who tells him: "Don’t touch me, don’t speak to me! Just crawl away and die."

Not much room for nuance there. Looks like Steve's grand plan to break up with Michelle and be with Becky belongs in the.. well.. bin.

3 troubling thoughts

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the September 30 episode on CBC

Three troubling thoughts crossed my mind while watching last night's episode (Ma, Pa & Jr. Windass? - ed).

1. The conflict between Maria and Tony is becoming eerily reminiscent of the Richard Hillman saga. I remember at one point saying that the big difference between Richard Hillman and Tony Gordon was that Richard Hillman was a kind of 'do it yourself' psychopath while Tone was more of a 'contract-it-out' kind of guy, who didn't like getting his hands dirty. But that could be changing and that would mark a new phase in his criminal activity, similar to Dickie Hillman's MO. And there are more echoes of Hillman which make my skin crawl. Richard Hillman terrorized a young woman (Maxine Peacock) in a house on C Street. Richard also tried to convince people that Audrey (who was acting a lot like Maria at the time) was going round the bend - as part of a plan to solve his financial woes.

2. At first, I thought that Steve Mcdonald's 'Operation Bad Boyfriend' was just a half-baked scheme with a low chance for success (That's our Steve - ed). But now we realize that any breakup, no matter how it happens, has consequences -- particularly when kids are involved. We weren't really exposed to that side of things until we saw the preparations (or lack thereof) for Amy's birthday party. Becky too is getting a new perspective of her fairytale legover with Steve - and it's not particularly pretty.

3. Last, and definitely least, I'm getting the distinct impression that Sally Webster would have it off with Tony Gordon in a highland heartbeat, if he gave the slightest hint of interest. She was in his office kissing up big time after Tone found out that Maria had been shown the tongue-2-tongue video. Then ol' Sal comes back into the office to give TG even more info on the fact that Maria is... how you say... one veg short of a hotpot. Then she tell the girls at Underworld that he's really a nice guy. Please tell me I'm wrong...

scenes from a pub

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Sept 10 episode on CBC

If I had to pick one word to describe the general demeanor of Corrie watchers this week, it would be 'disgruntled'. This doesn't happen very often. Coronation Street fans are generally appreciative of the fine writing, humour, creative story lines and unique characters which make Corrie so consistently good. And, it's true that we have recently been treated to a roller coaster of gripping stories from Liam's death to John Stapes' kidnapping caper (don't forget Norris' second place prize in the Cliff Richard contest - ed). Maybe that explains why the current Steve/Michelle story is touching a nerve in terms of sheer lameness.

The premise is that Steve Mcdonald is on the horns of a dilemma. He is supposed to be in two places at once. Michelle insists that he be glued to the Rovers all day for her unfathomable 24-hour wedding anniversary party in honour of her parents. At the same time, Becky Granger needs him to be at the courthouse to be her alibi and prevent her from being sent to prison on assault charges.

Oh my, what a dilemma! What can Steve do? Oh, I dunno. How about this:

Michelle: Er, Steve, where do you think you're going? I told you I wanted you to stay here at the Rovers for the entire duration of my parents' inappropriately timed day-long wedding anniversary. Plus, I want you to make photocopies, buy pies, put up decorations and prevent cousin Kieran whom no-one knows or remembers from entering the pub.

Steve: Look Michelle. Becky is in court today and if I don't testify on her behalf and provide her with an alibi, then she will go to jail. So, it's really important that I step out for an hour.

Michelle: Oh well, why didn't you say so in the first place. Of course, you should go. I don't want to see Becky go to jail. She's a mate and a good worker. What are you waiting for? Get going down to the courthouse and when you get back, we'll raise a toast to my parents.

Steve: Thanks, babe. You're a star.

fin

There, that wasn't so hard, was it?

***

That's it for the week. Enjoy your weekend and the omnibus edition and let's keep our fingers crossed for Becky. Cheers to all.

the dumbing down of Steve Mcdonald

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 1 episode on CBC

There's no two ways about it: Steve Mcdonald is turning into a mere shadow of the funny, nuanced character we used to love. Today's episode is just another chapter in a downward spiral of erratic behaviour (punctuated by goofy double-takes) as Steverino continues to make a mess of his relationship with Michelle.

"What ya' think I'm thick?" he yells in the back of Rover's when he finds Michelle and her mate (JD) sipping tea in their morning garb and talking about old times. Surely the question is rhetorical? Steve does indeed appear thick and getting thicker by the day.

Contrast this to the old Steve we remember. Wasn't it just a few short months ago that Steve was patiently dealing with Vernon & Liz' marriage and bravely managing the return of his volatile and violent dad? Wasn't it Steve who was the beacon of good sense and patience when Michelle discovered her real biological son (Alex) ?

What happened? Beats me but I think the watershed was when Steve (for no real good reason) locked a bookie in the basement of the Rovers overnight. That led to a nightmare string of events. Then came the piece de resistance: a trumped up fight with Michelle followed by a night of blotto drunk carousing capped off with sleepover sex with Becky. (well, one out of three isn't bad - ed)

Maybe a dark horse or a father figure will emerge to provide Steve with some of the guidance and support he needs. Someone unique who marches to the beat of his own drum. Hmm. Anyone see Vernon lately?