TGIF February 26

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Feb 25 episode on CBC

Haven't seen much of Tony Gordon lately but that doesn't mean we can't celebrate the man with our traditional Friday feature, 'Tony Gordon, It's Friday' , a recap of some of the memorable lines of the week on Corrie. This edition is brought to you by 'Roy's Rolls' - where southern hospitality meets Northern cuisine... or something like that. Excelsior...


Colin in hospital, talking to his daughter, Julie Carp:
"Have you got any irritating habits, my dear? "
(hmm, let me see... how much time do you have?)


Dev chastising Justin for taking photos of naked women:
"...so you feel compelled to take photos of women in the buff? There’s a name for people like you my friend"
(yes, it's called 'lucky')


Captain Martha giving orders to first mate Ken as they prepare to sail away:
"Would you untie the bow? "
(...and later on we'll tend to the boat, nudge, nudge)


Martha giving more instructions to Ken as they prepare to sail away:
"Then with the pole, just a little shove"
(... see above)


Blanche complaining to Deirdre about her aches and pains:
"You wait until you've got an artificial hip"
(...and believe me, on the National Health, you will definitely wait)


Blanche again complaining about the retail industry:
"They should not let menopausal women work in charity shops"
(...I'm sure Emily Bishop would appreciate the feedback)


Blanche showing up unannounced on Peter's doorstep:
"Deirdre’s chosen her philandering, two-timing husband over me"
(...yes but it was a tough decision)

***

Thanks for dropping by and for the comments. Enjoy tonight's episode and the weekend omnibus and we'll be back next week with more of the Hip. Cheers!

Letter perfect

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Feb 24 episode on CBC

I wonder what Ken wrote in his letter to Deirdre? Maybe it went something like this...

Dear Deirdre (please note alliteration),

I believe it was Marcel Proust who once wrote that 'as long as men are free to ask what they must, free to say what they think, free to think what they will, freedom can never be lost'. Precisely! In other words, I have recently become victim of what you might call an aquatic imbroglio thanks to a sexy sailing sea siren who has left me no choice but to assess my current domestic arrangements. This wonderful water woman is to be found somewhere on the mystical waters (turn left at the canal, third boat down, can't miss it).

Please, Deirdre, don't be narrow-minded about this narrrow boat. You see, Deirdre, Martha (the nautical nymph in question) has bewitched me with a combination of pinot noir, film noir and pudding noir (aka black pudding, delish). She is an intellectual, a thespian (not what you think) and a library card holder. Of course, she cannot compare with you and your deep, deep, baritone laugh, your nicotine breath and your charmingly caustic mother. But, regardless, I fear I must follow my heart and my heart says: cast off matey and ahoy Captain Eyeliner.

Farewell my love,

Ken (Barlow)

PS. Have canceled my papers

PPS. Letter void if signatory returns within 90 days

Half-Sister Act

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the February 23 episode on CBC

Lucky Julie! She's been treated to a grand stroll down Grimshaw memory lane (a one-way street? - ed). Here's to the good old days!

Todd and Sara having it off...
(Oh nice!)
...and Sara's stillborn child
(Oh dear)

Todd taking charge of his life...
(Oh nice)
..by coming out of the closet and breaking up with Sara
(Oh dear)

Todd being best friends with Sara's brother, Nick...
(Oh nice)
..and planting a big kiss on his lips
(Oh dear)

Todd going to university...
(Oh nice)
..while his half brother, Jason, starts sleeping with Sara
(Oh dear)

A big wedding for Jason and Sara...
(Oh nice)
..until Jason does a runner
(Oh dear)

But that's okay because Eileen had a nice romance...
(Oh nice)
...with the guy who killed Emily Bishop's husband
(oh dear)

As I say, Julie's quite the lucky gal to be part of the Carp-Grimshaw clan and half-sister of Eileen. Can't wait to hear the dinner table chat at Christmas.

Bridge of Sighs

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Feb 22 episode on CBC

After all these years, I think I'm finally beginning to understand Ken Barlow. There he was, up on the bridge over the canal, waving farewell to Captain Crumpet, the proverbial man overboard (legover board, surely? -ed). Why? Why would he kiss off a chance to sail the waterways in the company of the fair Martha, reading his and hers Proust by the fire, attending amateur productions of Equus (the musical), meeting snooty intellectuals over Pinot Grigio (didn't he win a silver medal in the slalom? - ed)

I think it all boils down to that old Woody Allen joke: I would never join a club which would have me as a member. Ken could have had everything that he says he wanted: intellectual companionship, a platinum library card, homemade gourmet meals, champagne in bed etc. It all looks good in the abstract, but when push comes to shove, it's just not for him. He doesn't want to belong to that club.

There he is sipping a Burgundy and all the while he's sneaking a peak at the Rover's Return bar mat which he stuffed in his pocket (Don't let Betty find out - ed). Ken doesn't really see himself as first mate on the SS Foxylady. That's too much argy bargey for our Kenneth. And he certainly doesn't want to be painting scenery on some two-bit production of 'Guernsey Boys'. He'd rather swan around Coronation Street, drinking in the sights, sounds and characters he's most familiar with. I think he rather enjoys being a dilettante in Weatherfield, bemoaning the lack of culture and sophistication around him while, all along, enjoying the pleasures of the Street where he's spent most of his life.

I guess he'll just have to go back to The Kabin and reinstate his subscriptions to The Guardian and The New Statesman (don't forget Playboy, for the articles - ed) until the next Sexy Siren pulls up in a narrow boat with a 'come hither' look and a bowl of leek and potato soup.

TGIF Feb19

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the February 18 episode on CBC

I'm afraid it's a rather abridged TGIF this week (Tony Gordon, It's Friday), since I'm away today (Skiving no doubt - ed). Anyway, here's a round-up of some of the week's memorable lines on Coronation Street. On your mark...


Norris assuring Rita that he wishes her the best with fiance, Colin:
"I won't cast a shadow over your happiness, not for the entire world"
(unless the sun shines...)


Steve recounting his visit to prison to see Tracy:
"then we talked about Amy visiting her and how we would explain that mommy made a mistake "
(she should have used a heavier statue on Charlie Stubbs' head?)


Paula revealing the ugly truth about Colin Grimshaw to Julie:
"I was his daughter’s best friend and he’s your father"
(please don't try explaining this to Kirk)


Jason telling Julie that they should forget they ever hooked up:
"we should never mention this ever again, okay?"
(don't worry, your secret's safe with your sister)


Mary describing Swiss geography to Norris:
"the Ferk is 8,000 feet up"
(..whereas the Jerk is ...)


Martha offering an invitation to Ken:
"You'd best come aboard"
(..that's exactly what he had in mind)


Ken talking about the houseboat with Martha:
"...perhaps I have mythologized this place "
(..especially the legendary chemical toilet)


Lloyd providing Steve with intimate details about Liz:
"Your mother’s very fond of etcetera "
(...etc etc)

Ballad of Barlow

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Feb 17 episode on CBC

As I watched first mate Ken Barlow 'drop anchor' (that's enough euphemisms - ed) at the houseboat after he received 'permission to come aboard' (I said 'enough euphemisms' - ed) from Comely Captain Martha, I couldn't help but start humming that theme song from 'Gilligan's Island'. You remember how it goes, don't you?

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
a tale of an aging man,
who hoped aboard a narrow boat,
with a wild romantic plan.
The mate was a comely thespian,
in whom he could confide,
so Ken and dog come straight aboard,
for a bit on the side,
a bit on the side.

The weather started getting rough,
the tiny ship was rockin'.
A sign placed up atop the deck
said: 'don't come a knockin'
'don't come a knockin'

The boat's tied up on the shore right here and here it may well stay
with Martha,
Ken Barlow too.
Eccles there on a chair,
with tea and toast,
and a chemical loo,
oh what will Deirdre say?

Colin-oscopy

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the February 16 episode on CBC

Poor Rita. For a moment there, it looked like she might have one last chance at a happy romance, the first since her last beau, Ted (no, not the gay father of Gail but another Ted) passed away. Alas, it was not to be. No sooner had the smooth-talking Colin Grimshaw placed a ring on her finger, than it was revealed (in the confessional-like sanctuary of the Rovers - ed) that Colin is not just a bounder, but a primo bounder who fathered a child with a fourteen-year old girl.

The girl was Paula Carp. The child was Julie Carp. At the Rovers, all dart games were interrupted and ale-supping took a short hiatus as the secret was revealed (beats the usual bar chat about Jack's pigeons - ed). Rita was in shock. Norris raised an eyebrow. Eileen was in denial. Colin, as if to cement his status as a cretin, ordered two double whiskeys (He was stirred, not shaken - ed).

So what happens now?

Well, first things first. Jason and Julie have to ix nay their 'relationship' because of a pre-existing condition: they're related. Eileen will have to come to terms with the fact that her Dad had a thing with her childhood girlfriend. Paula will have to come terms with her long kept secret. Julie will have to come to terms with the fact that she has a Dad. Norris will have to be less hysterical with concern for Rita. Rita will have to shed a few tears for a sunset marriage that would have made her happy in her waning years. She was so close.

TGIF February 12

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the February 11 episode on CBC

This Friday is special because the eyes of the world are focused on... (note from Slingya, Hook & Bard, attorneys at law: "the IOC has informed us that the use of 'eyes' , 'special' and 'world' are not permitted during the Olympics. Please govern yourself accordingly... and get on with it"). Oh, well, in that case, let's just say it's time for another edition of TGIF (Tony Gordon, it's Friday), our weekly round-up of some of the week's memorable lines on Coronation Street. This week's TGIF is brought to you by Streetcars whose slogan is: "Keep your shirt on, we'll get there eventually" Hit it!


Jack Duckworth singing the praises of his new ladyfriend:
"Connie, now there’s a woman you could grow a marrow for"
(I wonder if I can find a Valentine's day card with that sentiment?)


Tara setting her devious trap to capture Dev in the buff on camera:
"Why don’t you use Justin’s office to take your clothes off? "
(yes, leave all your clothes and dignity in there... but keep your boxers on)


Connie bemoaning the diminished consumer need for laundry services:
"You could wash a month’s worth of thongs and still have space for your bedding"
(just ask Rosie Webster...)


Dev voicing his concerns about Justin taking candid photos of Tara:
"I think it’s reasonable for me to be there if he’s going to be pointing his long lens at my naked girlfriend"
(especially if he has his camera with him...)


Ultrasound nurse at the hospital reassuring Maria during her scan:
"Fluid levels are normal so there’s nothing to worry about"
(funny, Poppy says the same thing to the punters at the Rovers)


Blanche taking a dim view of her daughter's opinion:
"I could write Deirdre’s brilliant ideas on the back of a pinhead"
(Hey, I don't think Kirk would like that)


Jason explaining to his Mom his nightmare about being in Vietnam:
"I dreamed I was there fighting for the King Kong"
('gorilla' warfare, no doubt)


Amy in one of her rare speaking moments:
"Is mummy a murderer? "
(of course not, she just dropped a statue on Charlie Stubb's head (several times) and now she's staying at a very posh hotel where the ladies shower together and make fancy license plates)


Mary describing the books she likes to read:
"I love misery lit books"
(...and you'll be able to write one after you get back from vacation with Norris)

***

Well, that's it for the week but I do want to make a special point of thanking you for all the comments about the show and the blog. I appreciate the kind words and the opinions about Corrie. Enjoy the omnibus edition on the weekend and I'll be back next week with more of the Hip. Cheers to all.

Jason's Dream

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the February 10 episode on CBC

Jason Grimshaw has been out boozing again and wakes up at home with an 'aspiring model' in bed next to him (Victoria Slagham? - ed). He is hungover and has a massive headache like 'Vietnam'. Why Vietnam? Because apparently he had a dream about it. I'm intrigued. If only Jason could tell us more about this dream, I think it might go something like this:

"Okay, so like I say, I'm in Vietnam and offhand I can't remember whether it was East Vietnam or West Vietnam but the point is, there I was fighting with the King Kong. So like there we were, me and the rest of the soldiers carrying supplies along the Ho Chip Monk Trail and we saw all these cool places like Kaos and Cambodacious. Then I asked the guys where we were going and they said: 'Mekong'. And I said, 'yeah, I know mate, me Kong too, but where the hell are we going?'

Anyway, then these Americans start showing up and they started being really offensive. My King Kong buddies said they were going to send over the B-52s. And I said, 'You've got nothing to worry about. They're a rubbish band. I never liked that 'rock lobster' stuff.'

But then, after they saw Miss Saigon, the Americans got angry. I guess they didn't like the songs or something. They started fighting me and the Kong. I heard one Yank shout, 'When you see Charlie, shoot!' So I yelled back, 'You're too late mate, Tracy already did 'im in with a table lamp.'

Then I woke up with a banging headache and me Mom was yelling at me. Got any aspirin?"

Dev-astating

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Feb 9 episode on CBC

What is it about Dev? Mr. Allahan and the term 'bad breakup' seem to be almost synonymous. Dev's romantic escapades have often ended with high drama. Over the years, ex-lovers have threatened him (Thanks Nina), wrecked his apartment and cut his clothes into tiny pieces (Thanks, Tracey) and. last but not least, tried to blow him up with a gas stove (Thanks Maya).

Now some may say that Dev is a little... how you say... 'economical with the truth' and that's why he keeps getting into trouble. Fair enough, Dev is definitely 'honesty challenged' and he never seems to learn his lesson. You would think that after his failed marriage to Sunita (you remember: when he forgot to tell Sunita that he had affairs with practically every woman in every one of his corner shops) that Dev would get it. Or, perhaps when he was turfed out of WAFTA (Weatherfield Area Free Trade Association) or whatever it was called - by Prem. But no, here he goes again and Tara is plotting to make this breakup perhaps the most excruciating humiliation yet.

The set-up is courtesy of Justin, budding artist and shutterbug, who managed to get some juicy snaps of the Devster in the buff and, in the process, answered that thorny question: boxers or briefs? (Actually they looked like the world's largest boxers! - ed). I wonder what Tara will do with those racy x-rated pics?

Well, one suggestion would be to put up a series of the 'Dev unplugged' photos in the gallery. (They would certainly be a noted improvement over the current crop of dreary oeuvres hanging there - i.e. 'Canal at dusk with rusted Freshco shopping cart' - ed).

However, I think Tara is planning something more public (I think you meant to spell 'public' without the 'l' - ed). In other words, don't be surprised if the old Allahan 'jewels in the crown' get top billing in downtown Weatherfield. Could be the biggest municipal event since Alf Roberts was elected mayor...

The Carla Conundrum

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the February 8 episode on CBC

An astute reader made an interesting comment about the noticeably absent Carla Connor and what she's playing at. In particular, why didn't Carla ring the local cop shop (1-800-DCWeller? - ed) after learning the full extent of Tony's pernicious deeds?

Instead Cruella (or 'Morticia' if you're Janice Battersby - ed) took the first plane to Los Angeles and is now incommunicado (Is that near Malibu? - ed) presumably spending her time with an old friend and learning the difference between 'crisps and 'chips'. Her instructions are funneled via a lawyer. So what's her game?

Well, here's what we know:
1. She appointed the very fit Luke Strong to act on her behalf with respect to her interests in Underworld.
2. She gave Luke the option to buy out her interest in Underworld and, in fact, encouraged Luke to exercise that option - which he did.
3. She gave her share of Ladrags to Maria.

Also, bear in mind that Carla is the only person with a fairly complete overview of Tony's misdeeds. She interviewed both Jimmy (Tony's nervous associate and driver of the car which killed Liam) and Jed Stone. She heard Tony's confession in total and she knows that he's a psycho nutbar.

Is it possible that Carla simply wants to get away from Tony and Underworld and start over in the land of the Superbowl? Unlikely. After all, Tony killed Liam, the man she dearly loved. I think Carla has a game plan to deal with Tony but it hasn't played out yet. I also suspect that Luke is a pivotal part of that plan. Maybe he isn't who he says he is (i.e. just an old friend of Carla who knew Paul Connor). Maybe Luke's been charged with a more 'extensive' mandate (make a deep-fried Mars Bar using Tony as the Mars Bar? - ed)

There's definitely something about Luke. For one thing, his modus operandi is a little odd. First he shows up as Carla's representative. Then, later on, he decides to buy out Carla's stake in Underworld. Then, later on, he decides to fire Tony. Why didn't Luke do all of that in one fell swoop? He's like a magician doing a 'slow reveal' and keeping Tony constantly off balance. Then, right at the beginning of Friday's episode, Luke says to himself (in a Scottish accent no less) something along the lines of: "... it wasn't me. I wasn’t there."

Curiouser and curiouser. My guess is that Luke's got more tricks up his sleeve...

TGIF Feb 5

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Feb 4 episode on CBC

If it's Friday, then it's time for another edition of TGIF (Tony Gordon, it's Friday), our weekly round-up of the week's memorable lines on Coronation Street. This week's TGIF is brought to you by Tara's Art Gallery: the next time you're looking for an expensive photo by an unknown art student, visit Tara's where quantity is quality. Onward!


A frantic Ken Barlow running after Martha as she cycles away from the theatre:
"Well, at least tell me where your boat is moored!"
(...only if you tell me where your wife is located!)


Blanche taking precautions due to Ken's odd behaviour near the canal:
"We're on suicide watch"
(Unless Ken's planning on drowning himself in a bowl of leek and potato soup, I think you can stand down)


Audrey making conversation while Peter Barlow has a haircut:
"The truth of the matter is your Dad’s having an affair "
(Now, would you like me to trim your sideburns?)


Peter confronting Ken about his 'friendship' with Martha:
"...and all the time you're sneaking around Weatherfield like a geriatric tomcat"
(...just follow the trail of Metamucil)


Umed bragging about his special friendship with George Harrison:
"We were at Ravi Shankar’s at the time. He was teaching me sitar"
(yeah, right, then Mick Jagger popped in for a curry)


Umed again complementing Teresa for her independent spirit:
"I've heard all about your wonderful projectiles"
(wait till she throws a kebab at you ...)


Jack inviting his new ladyfriend, Connie, to visit his pigeons out back:
"Hey, you wait till you see my blue pied cock"
(No comment)


***

Well, that's it for the week. Hope you enjoyed visiting and thanks for all the nice comments. In answer to one question, yes by all means, please feel free to share any post and/or the blog with anyone who might be interested. Enjoy tonight's episode and the omnibus and I'll meet you back here next week. Cheers!

The 5th Beatle?

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the February 3 episode on CBC

John. Paul, George, Ringo... and Umed? Have I missed something? Was Umed that guy playing the sitar in 'Help'? Was he on stage at Shea Stadium? That's right, according to no less an authority than Umed himself, Dev's chunky uncle (chuncle? - ed) is a Mumbai moptop and practically the fifth Beatle (step aside George Martin & Pete Best).

It seems that George Harrison and Umed were hanging out at Ravi Shankar's condo in India talking about material posessions, poverty, drum lessons for Ringo and whether or not the walrus was Paul. Anyway, long story short, Umed says he was the inspiration for George's Concert for Bangladesh. (wish I'd kept that three-record boxed set -ed)

Although the Fab Five never appeared in public, I certainly wish I could have seen Umed perform (I hear his rendition of 'Nowhere Nan' could bring tears to your eyes - ed). As for Umed's nephew, Dev, it looks like his chickens are coming home to roost. Tara (who is suddenly best friends with Poppy - who knew?) has discovered that Dev and Lisa took the 'Long and Winding Road' up to Dev's place and had a little 'Magical Mystery Tour' of the Allahan abode before engaging in a little, how you say, 'Ob li di, Ob la da' .

Now it looks like Dev is going to have a showdown with Tara. If I had to pick an outcome, I would go with that song from the famous songwriting team of Lennon-McCartney-Umed who once said: "You're going to lose that girl"

The Barlow gene

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Feb 2 episode on CBC

What is it about the Barlow men? Do they use a special aftershave? Do they exude pheromones which bewitch females? Is there some magic Barlow gene? (don't you mean 'Gene Barlow', Ken's evil twin? - ed).

Just look at Ken and fils (who's fils? - ed). First, there's Ken, Weatherfield's official geriatric tomcat, playing away with the most comely sailorette this side of the HMS FoxyLady -- while the once-prized Deirdre, cools her heels at home. You'll recall that Ken and Mike Baldwin once fought over the fair Deirdre, a heated, bitter battle which raged for years. Ken eventually won the affections of Deirdre but he's also courted the affections of many other women. In fact, Ken's other assorted dalliances include: a hairdresser, a city council employee, a librarian, an exotic dancer, a hotel receptionist, a chiropodist, a school principal - and others.

Then, there's Peter Barlow. Let's look at the attributes. Spent most of his life in a submarine (the vessel or the sandwich? - ed). Smokes like a chimney. Drinks like a fish (at least until recently...). Noted bigamist and hot tempered. But that hasn't stopped him from once courting Maria and then running off suddenly, or getting chummy with Leanne (the Battersby or the rabbit ?- ed) and now the lovely Michelle seems unexplicably and strangely drawn to Barlow Jr.

I just don't get it (evidently, but the Barlows do - ed). On the other hand, when you consider the calibre of the competition on the Street (take a bow, Eddie Windass - ed), I guess there's something to be said for the Barlow gene with all its faults.

Deirdre or Martha?

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Feb 1 episode on CBC

Well, it looks like it's coming down to the crunch for Sir Kenneth of Barlow. He's been seen in public (by Audrey, no less) pleading with the fair Martha, begging her to pronounce him 'boatworthy'. Now that the cat is almost out of the proverbial bag, Ken is facing a tough decision. Should he stay with Deirdre (if she'll have him) or cast off with Martha (if she'll have him). There's only one way to solve this: The Becky Granger Comparison List™ last used to compare Jason with Steve McDonald (too bad it didn't work - ed).

So, let's compare apples with oranges, shall we?

favourite drink:

Martha: a saucy Pinot Noir / Deirdre: G&T, easy on the T

a voice most like...

Martha: Emma Thompson / Deirdre: Bass singer of Oak Ridge Boys


preferred mode of transport:
Martha: boat & bicycle / Deirdre: bus & taxi


I'd like to nibble on...
Martha: ...Ken's ear / Deirdre: ...pork scratchins


pet peeve:
Martha: people who confuse existentialism with humanism / Deirdre: Blanche


any daughter of mine must...
Martha: ..be able to make an authentic cassoulet / Deirdre: ..qualify for parole


hobbies:
Martha: theatre & literature / Deirdre: cigarettes & Rovers

Hmm. It's a tough call. I certainly wouldm't want to be in Ken's shoes. of course, right about now, I don't even think Ken wants to be in Ken's shoes.