Poppycock

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 29 episode on CBC

I don't know about you but I'm a little chagrined to see Poppy dispatched so quickly and so rudely from the Rovers. Although she wasn't one of the premier bar-staff at the Rovers, I thought Poppy had potential, perhaps as a legover partner for Lloyd or a romantic interest for any number of single punters on the street (Len Windass, comb your hair - ed).

But then, as if by magic, Poppy suddenly becomes an antagonist to... of all people... Betty Turpin!
How on earth did that happen? Betty, the 'barmaidus emeritus' of the Rovers, is always a little grumpy but hasn't had a bona fide feud with anyone since Winston Churchill was Prime Minister ('I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and hotpots' - ed).

So now interim-manageress, Poppy, and Betty are going at it hammer and tongs. Of course, Liz is still in Spain, indulging in three of her favourite pastimes (smoking, tanning and toreadors), so it's up to Steve, the all-pro procrastinator, to make a management decision.

Apparently, someone has to go and it looks like it has to be Poppy. Why? Well, according to Becky, it's because Poppy is a "bossy two-faced cow and nobody wants you here". Well, by that criteria, no-one on Corrie would have a job. Anyhoo, the task's not complete without a mini-slanging match and before you can say 'UFC (Ultimate Female of Corrie), Beckie & Poppy are having a catfight in the Rovers (another day, another catfight - ed) and it's poor Poppy who is expelled from the premises by the hair extensions (hair today, gone tomorrow - ed).

Poor Poppy, we hardly knew ye.

TGIF March 26

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 25 episode on CBC

The week takes a decided turn for the worse after the Windass/Platt pseudo-robbery -- all the more reason to launch into TGIF or 'Tony Gordon, It's Friday', a selection of some of the memorable lines from the week's Corrie. This edition is brought to you by Newton & Ridley. If you're looking for the best in room-temperature beverages, look no further. All aboard!


Anna telling Eddie what she thinks of him after learning that he stole Roy's identity:
"You give scum a bad name"
(Sounds like a Bon Jovi song...)


Sean tells Julie about the challenges of a peppy personality:
"Being chirpy is exhausting. "
(Especially for the viewers)


Eddie Windass blaming his frailties on his lustrous hair:
"I’m Samson in reverse"
(Keep backing up, Eddie. Further, further...)


Natasha recounting hairdresser anecdotes while she does Teresa's hair:
"Once I had a pensioner die on me in the middle of a perm"
(must have been one of your 'highlights'...)


Betty asserting her value as a Rovers Return staff member:
"Do you know how many hotpots I've made?"
(...check the Guinness Book of records under 'regional stews')


Graeme using his code name to call David Platt:
"Mr. Savaloy calling pork pie"
(...that's what I call a 'meating' of minds)


Steve posing Sean and Becky together for a Weatherfield Gazette photo:
"The Rover’s two best assets - together"
(...the loo and the dart board?)


Vanessa chatting with Bill Webster at a singles evening in a bar:
"No amount of potpourri could disguise the stench of death in this place"
(Maybe Archie Shuttleworth can suggest something?)

***

Well, that's it for the week. Hope you enjoy the weekend omnibus and thanks for stopping by. See you next week. Cheers!

Mr Saveloy, I presume

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 24 episode on CBC

- Mr Saveloy to Pork Pie, do you read me? Over

- Roger, Mr. Saveloy. I copy. Go ahead. Over

- What's up with you anyway David, er I mean, Pork Pie. Why are you such a psycho nutjob? Is it because your Mom is attracted to serial killers? Is it because your Dad left Weatherfield to play 'happy families' with a sports mascot? Is it because you work at your Gran's hair salon? What is it? Over.

- Look, Graeme, I mean..Mr. Saveloy... you're no angel. Last time I checked you were still an arsonist wearing a butcher's apron. How weird is that? Over.

- Yes, Pork Pie, but at least I've got some redeeming qualities. I'm not vindictive, I've got a good sense of humour and maybe, one day, I'll meet the right woman (I believe Natasha is available). Over.

- Well, I'm just an evil little gnome with a bad haircut, no job prospects and stunted social skills. That's why I'm obsessed with Tina. And that's why Gary Windass is the latest target on my psycho aggression list (along with Joe, Gail, Sarah Louise, Jason, Charlie Stubbs, Bill Webster....)

- Okay, okay, Pork Pie. Stop, you're wearing down my cellphone battery. Over.

- Hey, Mr Saveloy, if we're talking on cellphones, why are we saying 'over' every time we stop talking? Over.

- No idea. Over and out.

Addiction

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the march 23 episode on CBC

What is it about Coronation Street men and addiction? Right at this moment, we have three classic examples of Corrie males driven to distraction by their personal demons (undercooked hotpot? - ed).

Leading the pack is Peter Barlow, waging a one-man war against alcohol (first casualty: Blanche's bottle of sherry - ed). The only thing standing between Peter and alcoholism is Simon - and the high price of lager at the Rovers. Now that Michelle's left for a six-month tour with the band, Peter is even more susceptible to the idea of a nice six-pack of scotch before bedtime. How on earth will he maintain sobriety in a Street where half the residents pop into the Rovers at lunchtime for several pints and a G &T, where the average blood/alcohol reading is the same as the speed limit, where...(that's enough, we get the idea - ed).

A close second to Peter is sad Joe McIntyre. Is anything going right for this poor sod? He's got loan sharks at his throat, Gary Windass on his back, David Platt in the house and Gail is his main squeeze. No wonder he's addicted to pain killers. Who knew that kitchen renos could be so hazardous to your health? (check with Mike Holmes - ed).

Last, and definitely least, is Eddie Windass. What's he addicted to, you ask? Skiving and petty larceny. If he's not diddling dart money out of the punters, he's stealing Roy's identity, buying Peach Schnapps under false pretenses or stuffing a meat pie under his shirt at the caf. Will he ever learn or is he addicted to skiving and petty crime? I can't say for sure but if I were Roy, I'd change my password at the Cash and Carry (how about 'Billy Joel' ? - ed) and lock up my pies.

TGIS?

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 19 episode on CBC

TGIS? Just doesn't have the same ring to it does it? Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but due to a sudden bout of stomach flu (please spare me the details - ed), I was AWOL on Friday. Never fear though, I am making a brave return today with a delayed edition of TGIF or 'Tony Gordon, It's Friday', a compendium of the memorable lines from Corrie over the past week. This edition is brought to you by Klever Kitchens, which puts its back into your custom kitchen. Onward


Eileen's capsule summary of 'The Sound of Music':
"It’s just nuns, nazis and lonely goatherds"
(hint: the ones in the habits are nuns)


Sally Webster musing on the value of intelligence:
"D’you know something? I think brains are overrated. "
(No comment)


Ken asking about Blanche's health:
"Deirdre and I are concerned about your hips"
(well, Deirdre's actually more concerned about Mick Jagger's hips - which are not Polish)


Deirdre upon seeing that Blanche forgot to bring her dressing gown:
"You could've worn Ken’s kimono."
(hmm, I suppose it does have a certain 'Memoirs of a Weatherfield Geisha' quality)


Blanche's opinion of the Rolling Stones:
"Still writhing around at their age, it’s obscene"
(... careful, Ken might use the song 'Paint it Black' as a decorating guide for your room)


Michelle having a little chat with Ryan about the birds and bees:
"you're at an age where you, you know, you get urges"
(...are we talking about you or Ryan?)


Tony, while breaking up with Natasha:
"Don’t ever upset Maria again. I'd hate for us to really fall out"
(...yes, exposure to Tony can be hazardous to your health)


Eddie Windass explaining why young Gary doesn't have a job:
"He’s not suited to work, that’s the trouble"
(must be genetic)

***

Well, that's it for the week. Enjoy the weekend and see you next week.

The case of Luke v. Peter

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 17 episode on CBC

If it please the court, I would like to present the case of Luke v. Peter, a landmark legal precedent wherein the plaintiff, the very sexy Ms. Michelle Sinéad Connor of Coronation Street, was placed in an unfortunate dilemma based on the affections of two suitors who shall be known forthwith as 'Lucky Luke' and 'Peter the not-so-Great'.

I submit, your honour, that the right and proper individual to engage in a serious relationship with Ms. Connor leading up to and including leg-over privileges -- is none other than Luke Strong. I make this case based on the following evidence:

Luke is fit
Luke is an entrepreneur
Luke saved a rabbit from a fire
Luke is not an alcoholic
Luke is not a bigamist
Luke's idea of a fun date is fun

Upon cross-examination and, in light of evidence and eye-witness testimony, I further submit that Peter Barlow is singularly unqualified and unsuited to enjoy the longterm affections and legover privileges of Ms Connor based on the undisputed facts which show that:

Peter is somewhat fit but smokes like a chimney
Peter is a bookie
Peter almost killed a rabbit by starting a fire
Peter is an alcoholic
Peter is a bigamist
Peter's idea of a fun date is pizza with Blanche

No further questions, your honour. I rest my case.

revenge affair

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 16 episode on CBC

Here's the situation. Ken remains in the doghouse (Is he living with Schmeichel? - ed). Blanche is negotiating for a renovated room before she'll even consider moving back in. And Deirdre? Well, even after Blanche's quasi-apology, she seems completely indifferent. Her only comment? "I’m renewing the mothballs in our wardrobe."

It seems to me that Deirdre is ripe for that most delicious of all infidelities: the revenge affair. Here's how it works. If Ken can sail off for a bit of the old 'row,row, row your boat' with Martha, then surely it's now her turn. After all, what's Ken going to do? Tear up his Weatherfield library card? Cancel his subscription to artfarts monthly?

The (moth)ball is clearly in Deirdre's court and I think she's just about had her fill of dancing in the kitchen and looking at Ken's mournful face. The question is who will she do the horizontal mambo with... and when? (she did mention Mick Jagger's hips - ed).

Well, as we've often opined on this site, there's slim pickings on the Street. Unless she has a weakness for skiving scraggly taxi drivers (Eddie Windass), she'll have to look elsewhere. What about Lloyd? He has a fondness for um.. cougars (or at least women who dress like cougars - ed) and Liz is away for a while so... What about Ramsay Cole? He's not so bad and he's just passing through. Or there's Dev. He's on the rebound and she did have one-nighter with him -- back in the Mesozoic era.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Kind of makes you wish Mike Baldwin were still around. I bet he could get both Deirdre and Ken going without even saying a word.

Ah, good times.

pub quiz

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 16 episode on CBC

Pub quiz, anyone? Oh sure, we got a little taste of the cut and thrust of a nail-biting, challenging, take-no-prisoners pub quiz with quizmaster Lloyd (Poppy seems to like his 'general knowledge' - ed). But we didn't get the full experience and we didn't see some of the Rovers regulars in action. So, with your indulgence, I present the Pub Quiz - remix.

First the Kirk Sutherland edition:

Q: Which World War preceded World War II?
A: That's one... tough question. Not much good at history and all. I'm more of a daytime tv man.

Q: Name a vowel?
A: I... can't help you mate. Sorry.

Q: In our numerical system, which number follows number one?
A: Too.. hard again mate. Sorry. I'm rubbish in math.


Then, there's the Ken Barlow edition:

Q: What is the name of the island off the south of Cape Cod in New England?
A: Martha's Vineyard

Q: Who was named third most powerful woman in America by Ladies Home Journal in 2004?
A: Martha Stewart.

Q: Where you would rather be than here at this damn pub quiz?
A: Martha's boat


And, finally, the Cole Brother's edition:

Q: What is the largest city in Australia?
Norris: Oooh, ooh, I know this. Sydney!
Ramsay: Well done Norris, I would never have guessed that (even though I live there)

Q: What is the name of the mountainous region in New South Wales, Australia?
Norris: Oooh, ooh, I know this. The Blue Mountains!
Ramsay: Well done Norris, I would never have guessed that (even though I've been there)

Q: What tourist attraction gets its name from the Aboriginal word meaning 'water breaking over rocks'?
Norris: Ooh, oooh. I know this. Bondi Beach!
Ramsay: Well done Norris, I would never have guessed that (even though I've swum there)

TGIF March 12

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 11 episode on CBC

Tony is back and exploiting Natasha like a legal loophole in a Ladrags contract. All the more reason to forge ahead with another award-winning edition of TGIF or 'Tony Gordon, It's Friday', a compendium of the memorable lines from Corrie over the past week. This edition is brought to you by the Australian Tourist Board, which is proud to have 50% of the Coles living within spitting distance of Sydney. Avanti!


Julie acknowledging Jason's empathy on the loss of the father she hardly knew:
"There's wisdom in you, Jason Grimshaw, I don't care what anybody says"
(This just in from anybody: there's no wisdom in Jason Grimshaw)


Blanche summarizing current events in the Rovers:
"Norris' long lost brother’s turned up and that pedo's kicked the bucket. "
(This has been your local news headlines with Blanche Hunt, turning now to weather...)


Deirdre criticizing Blanche in public:
"You try having Attila the Hun for a mother and see how you do"
(That's not fair. Attila had his good points)


Pam explaining, in detail, her efficient technique for buttering bread:
"This morning, I managed to spread six slices with one knife full."
(fascinating, is there somewhere around here where I can watch paint dry too?)


Natasha is excited because she's meeting Tony:
"I've got a date with the handsome head of a knicker empire"
(...too bad the rest of his body is a little iffy)


Tony explaining to Natasha that he was assembling furniture with Maria:
"Believe it or not, we were discussing Ladrags while I was doing it"
(...then he put together the crib)


Steve insisting that his taxis are in excellent condition:
"We have our cabs steam cleaned once a month"
(...whether they need it or not)


Chesney is incensed that Fiz is seeing John Stapes in prison:
"When it came out about what he'd done to Rosie Webster, I had nightmares"
(We all did. Rosie has that effect on everyone)

***

Well, that's it for a rather sombre week on the Street. Let's hope things perk up just a bit next week. Who knows, maybe Norris and Ramsay will have a slapfight in the middle of the street? Or maybe a third Cole brother (Morley?) will show up and really spice things up. We'll just have to wait and see. In the meantime, thanks for dropping by and thanks for your comments. See you next week.

He's just not that into you

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 10 episode on CBC

I don't quite know how to put this, Natasha, but the thing is that Tony Gordon is... (a psychopath? - ed) just not that into you. Yes, I know you like the cut of his jib (jib cutting is one of his thug's specialties - ed) and the fact that he has a fancy flat and a flash car. And, yes, technically he is available (since his wife escaped his clutches, discovered he was a killer and flew to LA - ed). But, to paraphrase Audrey, lovie you really should read the signs:

When he stands you up to assemble furniture, he's just not that into you.

When he invites you over for a quick shag and then forgets who you are the next day, he's just not that into you.

When he comes into the salon, ignores you and makes beeline for Maria, he's just not that into you.

When the only phone calls you get from him are after 11pm when there's nothing on TV, he's just not that into you.

When he spends more time getting to know Luke Strong's background than yours, he's just not that into you.

I know, I know. You like the dark, edgy type. Besides, what's a girl to do when the chronological range of available single men on the Street runs from Kirk Sutherland to Norris Cole (hey what about Gary Windass & Bill Webster? - ed). But still, lovie, have some self-respect. That Tony Gordon will leave you crying... or worse (stuffed in a clothes hamper or living in Wigan - or both - ed).

nuit blanche

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 10 episode on CBC

First, a mea culpa. An astute reader pointed out that I erroneously attributed a line to Woody Allen when describing Ken. The line was: 'I would never belong to a club that would have me as a member'. In fact it was Groucho Marx who coined that phrase. (You're sure it wasn't Karl Marx? - ed)

Groucho also said: "I have nothing but respect for you and not much of that" Hmm, makes me think of the way Deirdre is treating Ken these days. Make no mistake, Ken is on the shortest of leashes and taking constant blows to his diminishing male ego. (He should have untied the bow and pushed off with his pole...on Martha's boat - ed)

Deirdre is really letting loose, dancing in the kitchen (is that what that was, I thought she was ill - ed), listening to loud AM pop radio, watching vulgar prime time TV (oh the humanity! - ed) and highlighting Ken's lack of spine. Ken's only hope is to somehow tempt Blanche back to the house and use her to deflect Deirdre's withering sarcasm.

The only problem is Blanche seems to like living at Peter's place. It's like 'The Odd Couple' meets 'Glengarry Glen Ross'. Blanche can cut loose, give Peter 'stick', enjoy her grandson and even make the odd two-penny wager at the bookie shop downstairs. Still, as Ken says, Blanche & Deirdre have to make up sooner or later, don't they?

"You try having Attila the Hun for a mother and see how you do?" says Deirdre to Emily and others at the Rovers.

Hmm. Better order another pint (not a half), Ken. I think this is going to take a while.

TGIF March 5

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 4 episode on CBC

Tony is till MIA or taking a well-deserved vacation (from evil? - ed) so we will press on with the regular Friday feature which bears his name: TGIF, 'Tony Gordon, It's Friday' , your source for some of the memorable lines on Corrie over the past week. This edition is brought to you by the Weatherfield cash and carry -- where passwords and account numbers are mere formalities. Let's go...


Simon, as he looks at a super-sized photo of Dev in the buff:
"That man’s got no clothes on."
(...and he's in danger of overexposure)


Blanche complaining about her dexterity:
"...with my arthritis I can barely peel a satsuma"
(Ask Ken, after all he's not removing anyone's 'outer layers' these days)


Blanche again complaining about Tara's 'humiliate Dev' urban event:
"That’s it? One picture of him starkers and we're done?"
(what were you expecting? Powerpoints and Cirque du Soleil?)


Mary sharing fond reminiscences of life with mummy dearest:
"She was very dear to me, mother but, sometimes I could've quite cheerfully murdered her"
(...is that 'Twilight Zone' music I hear?)


Amber expressing disgust at her Dad's marquis appearance in the buff:
"As far as my dad's concerned, he can swing"
(...he certainly can! Ask anyone at the unveiling)


Norris eschewing a 'fry up' in favour of an important breakfast staple:
"No, I really am in need of some bran"
(Better make it a double)


Norris commenting on Mary's 'inappropriate' behaviour at dinner:
"I fancy you put too much brandy in your amuse-bouche"
(I hate when that happens)


Mary telling Norris about her ideal sleeping arrangement in the camper van:
"You, me and Sheena Easton alone beneath a canopy of stars"
(Better check with Sheena Easton first. I don't think she'll like the arrangement)


Mary recounting her preferred bedtime ritual:
"I just lie there stroking my muu muu till I fall asleep"
(well, I guess it beats counting sheep)

***

That's it for the week. Hope you enjoyed visiting. I'm looking forward to hearing and seeing more of Ramsay Cole (Norris' brother), particularly if it annoys Norris. Thanks for dropping by and thanks also for the comments and feedback. Enjoy tonight's episode and the weekend omnibus and I'll meet you back here next week. All the best.

Mary, Mary, somewhat scary

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the March 2 episode on CBC

I never thought I'd say this ('I'm wearing dirty underwear?' - ed) but I'm starting to feel sorry for Norris. Yes, he is a Grade 'A' busybody and he has misled Mary as to his true desire to travel the world in a Winnebago. On the other hand, Mary seems to be just a little on the bizarre side, like a character out of a Stephen King novel.

Norris, of course, is still carrying an Olympic-sized torch for Rita. The only reason he agreed to a round-the-world trip with Maryissima is because he thought Colin had captured Rita's affections. Now that Colin has come to a sorry end, Norris is once again intent on hanging around the Kabin to 'help' Rita in her time of need.

So what's a gal like Mary to do?

Well, you simply park your Winnebago outside Emily's house and wait for the fussbudget er.. I mean 'man' ...of your dreams to commit to a travel odyssey. There's something about Mary, something odd. Every now and then she makes a casual remark which is a bit unsettling like her love of 'misery lit' or the fact that she would have cheerfully 'killed' her mother (a joke no doubt) or the fact that she likes to stroke her 'mew mew' till she falls asleep. Yikes!

But wait, there's more. During her seducto dinner for Norris in the camper van (fish & chocolate mousse), Mary pulls out all the stops with an impromptu Sheena Easton karaoke session and leading questions like 'what do you wear in bed, Norris?' (suit and tie, I would think - ed).

Small wonder that Norris went running out of the Winnebago like a bat out of hell. Wonder how he'll break the bad news to Mary?

Big man on canvas

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the march 1 episode on CBC

In the immortal words of Simon, who is wise beyond his years, "that man's got no clothes on" (although he is wearing a rose between his teeth - ed). I will do my best to avoid the obvious references to Dev's... um.. private pain and very public (I think you meant to spell that word without an 'l' - ed) humiliation. But let's try to look beyond the 'exposure' and draw some conclusions about what has happened.

Dev? Well, yes he has got his come-up-pence due to the fact that he was caught with his pants down. Yes, it's a humiliation but it probably won't change him. Dev is not a completely honest person. He lied to Sunita and he's been dishonest, in one way or another, with all his past lovers. And, he usually gets his just desserts but, with the possible exception of that crazy Maya, this is beyond the pale.

Amber? The poor long-suffering daughter of Dev will bear the brunt of this unfortunate episode as the 'Dev in the buff photo' makes the rounds on facebook, Myspace, YouTube etc. And, on top of that, Amber had her fingers crossed that a marriage between Dev and Tara would create that happy nuclear family which she has longed for. Fat chance with Dev's manhood emblazoned across the Victoria Flats.

Tara? Frankly, I've had my fill of her. Yeah, okay, Dev wasn't honest but she could have proved her point in any number of ways which wouldn't have hurt innocent bystanders (like Amber) in the process. And, another thing, have you ever noticed how much of Tara is devoted to Tara? She's always banging on with sentences like: "How do you think that makes me feel?" and "I feel humiliated" etc etc.

Anyway, it looks like the end of Dev's romantic entanglements with the Mandal family. He's already had it off with Nina and Tara -- with disastrous results. Unless he's planning on sidling up to Prem in the near future (please, I just had dinner - ed), I think it's over. As Blanche said, "One picture of him starkers and we're done."