TGIF July 30

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 29 episode on CBC

Well, the week ends on an edgy note. Kevin's 'Glasgay foray' is still raising questions. Molly is rebuffing Tyrone's affections. Lloyd has succeeded in creating the world's wackiest love triangle. People are already whining about the wine bar. After being fired by Norris, Sheila Wheeler will need a shot of tequilla. And, dear readers, Tony Gordon is back from Paris where he was happy to find a Scottish restaurant (McDonalds). With that in mind, let us partake in TGIF (Tony Gordon, it's Friday), featuring some of the memorable lines from this week's Corrie. Giddy-up:

Little Simon calculates the age of Ken Barlow on his birthday:
"Granddad's been alive eleven times as long as I have, plus four years"
(Very good. Now, let's see if we can calculate the number of legovers he's had - although we may need a calculator for that)


Sheila Wheeler comments to Norris about Emily:
"Nice old lady. And she looks very clean, is she?"
(Oh yes, she has a bath every week whether she needs it or not)


Tyrone tries to get some affection from Molly:
"I've washed me hands now, so can I give you a cuddle?"
(... first, fill out these forms and I'll get back to you)


Liz asks Lloyd to help out with routine pub chores:
"Oh the lager needs changing"
(Yes, the current lager tastes much too good)


Blanche shares one of the items from her 'bucket list':
"I'd like to see CATS"
(domestic or strays?)


Blanche takes a dim view of Peter and Leanne's business plan:
"An alcoholic and an arsonist open a bar - it sounds like the
start of a joke"
(...and then the rabbi says: 'that's not my wife, that's my mother!')


Leanne shares her worries about the risks of starting a new business:
"What if it all goes wrong? Bills, floods, staff walkouts, bankruptcy?"
(...you left out 'fires')


Umed sympathizes with Michelle who objects to the smell in her flat emanating from the fast food shop below:
"Surely there is a product that can mask the odor of this pernicious foodstuff."
(..try 'Kebab Kleener', in the cleaning supplies aisle at Freshco)


Liz is incredulous upon learning about Lloyd's indiscretion with Teresa:
"Last night you slept with that tragic slapper?"
(...either that or he slept with a 'Slavic Trapper' - he's not sure because he was so drunk)

***

That's it for the week. I don't know about you but I definitely sense another cat-fight on the horizon (Liz & Teresa) although of course, as a peace-loving person, I deplore violence (except on David Platt and perhaps Norris on occasion). Thanks for stopping by and cheers to all.

Wine Bar?

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 27 episode on CBC

Look, let's cut right to the chase. I don't think Peter and Leanne should even BE in a wine bar, much less think of opening one and I'll give you five good reasons why:

Reason # 5: Money. Have you seen the clientele at Peter's betting shop? Let's face it, they're not exactly tearing down the door to place wagers. That bookie shop is as lonely as a tasteful gown in Rosie's closet. And the punters include high rollers like Blanche (bring your own coffee) Hunt. So where is Peter going to find the cash to bankroll another business?

Reason# 4: The Rovers. In case they hadn't noticed, Coronation Street already has a wine bar (if you like cheap plonk) called the Rovers Return. Not too fancy but then you don't get many jet setters coming in from Cannes to sample Betty's hotpot. People who want to go to wine bars go to the canal (ask Sean).

Reason #3: Peter's an alcoholic. Might be a good idea for him not to get involved in a venture which involves booze. After all, you wouldn't find Eddie Windass getting involved in some project that required work, would you?

Reason #2: Leanne's experience. As I recall, Leanne, despite her bold statements, is not exactly Donalda Trump when it comes to the hospitality industry (well, except for you know, nudge, nudge, wink, wink). In fact, her last venture, an Italian restaurant, was a disaster. Not a very reassuring track record.

Reason #1: ARSON! Here's the big one. Leanne, er how to put this diplomatically.. BURNED DOWN her last business. You know, that nice Italian restaurant. Her slogan seems to be: 'when the going gets tough, the tough get matches' - or at least a friend with matches.

Oh, and by the way, Kevin really should take away Sophie's computer or he'll be wishing he was gay... and in Glasgow.

It's better in Chester

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 26 episode on CBC

Well, Kevin and Molly didn't go to Paris but they did go to Chester, which is also known as the Paris of North West England, the City of Lights lite. No matter. The important thing is that they escaped the humdrum of Weatherfield for the excitement of Chester. But what to do? (I think we can all guess - ed).

Oh sure, there's romance but there's tourism too. According to Wikipedia, Chester "is home to 77,040 inhabitants and is the largest and most populous settlement of the... " (That's quite enough - ed). I'm sure Kev and Molly will be consulting Frommer's respected 'Layovers & Legovers Tourist Guide to England' or maybe even the Michelin's famous 'Shagging & Sightseeing in Chester'

So, after.. um.. 'resting' at the hotel, Kev and Molly could, for example:

Visit the Grosvenor Park Miniature Railway set in the beautiful surroundings of Chester's Grosvenor Park. Complete with a long wooden bridge, pond with ducks, moorhens and a noisy white goose -- which would only remind Kevin of Sally so I guess that's out.

Oh well, what about...

Chester cathedral. This magnificent building is a national treasure in the heart of the city and has been the Cathedral Church of the Diocese of Chester since 1541. Oh, but the advanced age of the Cathedral (469 years) will only remind Molly of the advanced age of 'Kevin the elder' and the vast age difference (469 years? - ed) between young Molly and him. So I guess that's out..

But hey, there's always...

Deva, part of the extensive Roman ruins in Chester. Molly and Kev could stroll along a reconstructed street, experiencing some of the sights, sounds and smells of life inside the Roman fortress. Oh but 'Deva' sounds an awful lot like 'Dev' and would almost certainly remind Molly of her boss and her job at the Korner Shop where she spends her days ignoring Umed and pining for her hunky, he-man mechanic (Tyrone? - ed). So I guess that's out too.

Oh well, Maybe they should have gone to Glasgay after all...

TGIF July 23

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 22 episode on CBC

Looks like just about everyone on the Street got a 'Dear John' letter - so to speak. Well, it's nice to get some quality reading material in the post and, if it helps create community spirit (aka Sally's lynching meeting), then so much the better. But that's enough mithering, let's get on with TGIF (Tony Gordon, it's Friday), another edition of the award-winning edutainment feature comprising some of the memorable lines from this week's Corrie. Kick it:

Sean ponders the possible circumstances of Rosie's dismissal from Underworld:
"Can you get fired for showing too much cleavage in a built up area?"
(I'm afraid so. The municipal ordinance was passed by Mayor Alf Roberts after Bet Lynch moved to Weatherfield)


John Stape's touching wedding vow to Fiz:
"I love you and I promise I’ll always remember to put the toilet seat down"
(How about remembering NOT to kidnap Rosie Webster)


Darryl is incensed at Teresa for telling Amber about Dev's bribe attempt:
"You rotten, scheming, two-faced old bat!"
(... and those are her good points)


Sally showing risque holiday snaps to Claire:
"D’ ya know, I actually put my top on for that picture"
(Thank God for photography)


Kelly is not interested in seeing Sally's holiday photos:
"Oh, pictures of Kevin in Speedos? No ta"
(Psst! If you change your mind, speak to Molly)


Dev is getting sick of Umed's new doorbell chimes:
"I just want my ding back"
(Try Viagra)


Graeme assures Ashley that he can solve the annoying door chime problem:
"There’s more than one way to skin a squirrel"
(yes, but what about Umed's musical chimes in Dev's shop?)


excerpt from John Stape's letter to Coronation Street residents:
"...as you know I am currently approaching the end of my sentence at High View Prison"
(..so if you feel like dropping by to see me or wish to send a baked confection containing a proverbial steel implement for smoothing, better act with alacrity. But seriously, folks, see ya' soon...)

***

Well, that's it for the week. Enjoy your weekend dose of Corrie and many thanks for the nice comments. have a great weekend and I'll meet you all back here next week.

Selective Sally

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 21 episode on CBC

I'm awfully glad that Sally Webster had a wonderful time in Lanzerote (although, frankly, a Panzerotti would have been cheaper and just as exotic). Goodness knows she can use some 'alone time' with Kev and I'm sure Kev enjoyed feigning sleep/inebriation/sea-sickness/amnesia etc in order to avoid.. er.. undue horizontal contact since he only has eyes for Molly.

But I digress. So Sally returns from the fabbo vacation only to discover (thanks Kelly) that Fiz has gone and married John Stape. Doh! This is obviously a level one alert. Her royal shrillness is royally pissed. Why didn't anyone tell her? And why isn't Kevin doing something? (instead of doing someone - ed). Yes, Mrs Webster is consumed by this horrible news, but hey, what about all the other stuff that went on while she was away sipping Sangria on the poop deck?

Let's review. While you were away, ol' Sal, Rosie moved in with Luke. Luke binned Rosie in the Rovers. Rosie gatecrashed a party and grabbed Michelle by the hair. Rosie was headlocked and thrown in the gutter by Michelle. Rosie tried to set a sex trap for Luke. Rosie was fired from Underworld. Rosie threatened to go to the Tribunal if Luke fired her. Rosie was not fired. Rosie tried to fire Fiz. Thanks for asking, Sal.

The point is Sally seems very selective when it comes to finding out what actually happened while she was away. Maybe she should start by talking to her daughters instead of busting down Fiz's front door every 40 minutes and shouting the odds.

Umed: the musical

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 21 on CBC

I must say, I like where Umed's going with his innovative retail ideas (back to Mumbai? - ed). In fact, Dev should seriously consider making Umed a member of the Weatherfield Square Dealers Association (he's certainly got the right body shape - ed) or that other group Dev started with Prem. I think it was called WAFTA (Weatherfield Area Free Trade Association)... or something like that. The point is (oh, so there is one? - ed) that Umed is trying to drag Dev's corner shop into the 21st century by using leading-edge musical door chimes instead of that dreary old bell.

Machine gun fire sound effects and circus music is good but if the Korner Shop really wants to create an ongoing 'relationship' with its customers (instead of just selling a packet of biscuits to Lloyd), then let's take it one step further and create customized entry music for each loyal customer on the Street. How would that work? I'm glad you asked. Here's a few preliminary suggestions:

Jason? How about 'YMCA' ? (Village People)

Tony Gordon? Bad (Michael Jackson)

David Platt? (see above)

Kelly Crabtree? Hot Legs (Rod Stewart)

Eddie Windass? Hair (from the musical of the same name)

Joe McIntyre? Get back or Back in the USSR (The Beatles)

Leanne Battersby? 'Roxanne, you don't have to put on the red light' (The Police)

Fiz? Jailhouse Rock (Elvis)

Jesse? 'Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys' (Waylon Jennings)

Eileen? 'Jesse's Girl'... for the moment anyway (Rick Springfield)

Kirk? Er, let's just stick with the machine gun fire...


Anyway, you get the idea. Can't wait to see what Umed has 'in store' tonight. Nudge. nudge. (yes, I know, I know, stop with the bad puns). Thanks for the nice comment. Laters.

Battle of the bad pickup lines

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 19 episode on CBC

Well, I'm glad Fiz's nuptials (keep it clean -ed) in the nick worked out. I now pronounce you "Mr & Mrs. Stape". Has a certain ring to it (like a bathtub - ed). You may kiss the guard...er bride. etc etc. But let's talk about something different and by that I mean the cornucopia of bad pickup lines from Graeme Proctor, 'garden doctor' and Gary Windass, 'sprung from the slammer and ready to yammer'. Admittedly, standards are not typically high on the Street but these guys are plumbing Olympic depths (lower, slower, lamer - ed). They're both pretty bad but who is worse? There's only one way to find out: the battle of the bad pickup lines. Are you ready? Let's start round one:

ROUND ONE

Graeme (to Natasha): "(You) Could have had a sex change. Do you want to go with me?"

Gary (to Michelle): "How's about a smile for starters?"

(Round One goes to Graeme. but they're both in fighting form. Let's move on...)

ROUND TWO

Graeme: "So what do you say? You and me?"

Gary: "I've always had a thing for brunettes and all"

(OOh, another close one. This one goes to Gary)

ROUND THREE:

Graeme: "Of all the pavements in all the worlds... have you let one off?"

Gary: "I say that you've kept yourself in pretty good nick considering that you've, uh, dropped a sprog and all that."

Another close round, but, well, asking someone if they passed wind as a prelude to an amorous overture? That's the worst pickup line I've ever heard. The judges have made it unanimous. Graeme wins.

TGIF July 16

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 15 episode on CBC

Ah yes, another week, another catfight and another headlock for Rosie as she is unceremoniously 'curbed' by the tattooed Michelle. I'd like to see Rosie win a fight one of these days. I'd also like her to wise up to the fact that she's actually a part owner of Underworld and can exact her revenge on Luke Skivewalker through financial means -- rather than slagging and shagging. But that'e enough from me, let's get to TGIF (Tony Gordon, it's Friday), our weekly round-up of quips and one-liners from the week's episodes. Roll it:

Julie thinks Kelly is seeking any social occasion as a means for inebriation:
"You're just looking for an excuse to get bladdered"
(Since when do Underworld employees need an excuse?)


Kelly is exasperated by Rosie and wonders if Mr. Stape still has the keys to Gran's attic:
"Do you reckon when John gets out, he can kidnap her again?"
(His schedule seems to be wide open, when did you have in mind?)


Sean objects to Kelly standing so close as they eavesdrop on the factory floor:
"You're so close, I could actually impregnate you."
(the medical term is 'superficial insemination')


Kirk says 'farewell' in French:
"Our reservoir"
(..an expression used when saying goodbye to a large body of water)


Kelly after Rosie dumps a frozen coffee drink onto her dress:
"Does frappalatte come out of man made fibres?"
(Depends on the man)


Rosie bulls her way into Tina's shindig and grabs Michelle by the hair:
"Oh, I’m sorry. Did I get me expensive ring caught in your second hand wig?"
(I dunno, let me stop snoggin' Luke and check)


Teresa sees Darryl moping around the kebab shop:
"You've got a face on you longer than Celine Dion"
(and you know that his heart will go on...)


Roy Cropper giving Fiz some words of encouragement before her prison wedding:
"You've always brought light into our lives, Fiz, and I know you'll shine today"
(nice one, Roy)

***

That's it for the week. Hope you enjoyed your Corrie this week and thanks for the comments and for stopping by. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll get on my bike. See you next week.

Party Platt-er

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 13 episode on CBC

I'm no fortune teller (...and yet you have a crystal ball -ed) but even I can see trouble ahead. Tina and Jason are having a get-together, nothing fancy just a few friends (plus Teresa, Michelle & Luke!), some cans and some laughs. Sounds great, doesn't it -- until the spawn of Satan (spawn of Martin & Gail actually - ed) gets wind of the happy little gathering.

You can be sure that Davey-Boy is not going to let this little social gathering pass without placing hjs indelible fingerprints all over it. Let's see. How can he successfully ruin this party?

Slip everyone a few Ecstasy pills? No, done that.
Push someone down the stairs? No, done that too.
Loosen the bolts on the scaffolding? Hmm. Sadly, no scaffolding at the party.
Tell Gary Windass to do a B&E during the party? No, done that too.
Blackmail Joe into wrecking the party with the promise of illicit prescription drugs? Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt

Looks like David will have to come up with something new and evil. Can't wait to see how Tina and Mr. Gay Weatherfield deal with it. One thing is for sure. Afterwards, Gail will be defending poor little Davey and giving him the benefit of the doubt - as usual ("David says he didn't put radioactive waste into the punch bowl... and I believe him").

So, cue the Toni Braxton music (Toni Braxton? - ed) and let's get this party started... and wrecked.

Strong medicine

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 12 episode on CBC

First, dear Hipsters, an apology. Not one of those fake (if I have offended anyone, then I'm sorry..) apologies but a real apology for the unreasonable and outrageous puns which were regretfully thrust upon you in the last post (last post? Here's hoping - ed), TGIF July 9. As one reader (you mean 'the' reader - ed) pointed out, this was cruel and unusual punishment and I vow to reduce my pun usage by 30-50% in the future.

Now, to an equally troubling issue: Luke Strong. Like most Corrie fans, I was delighted to see Luke appear on the scene to do battle with Tony Gordon and perhaps put him in his place (Scotland? - ed). Luke seemed to be the proverbial white knight: handsome, smart, mandated by Carla to keep Tony off balance and represent her interests vis a vis Underworld and Ladrags (whatever happened to ladrags.. and Tom? - ed).

It was great to see Tony sparring with Luke until Mr. Strong started showing chinks in his armour, some disturbing signs.

First sign: he doesn't seem to have much cash. When the VAT payment came up, Luke was a little, how you say, stretched. His solution? Take money from the weakest link in the Underworld chain of command: Rosie Webster.

Second sign: In order to keep Rosie 'sweet', he starts dating her. Nothing like dating a teenager in order to get some of her money to make you look like a pillar of integrity. Then, when Rosie wants to take their relationship to the next level (mezzanine? - ed), by moving into Victoria Flats, Luke decides to pull the plug.

Third sign: I'm no big fan of Rosie but even she doesn't deserve to get dumped in the Rovers in some sort of shabby public spectacle. Nice one, Luke. Real classy and just for good measure, Luke then asks Michelle mere seconds after Rosie has huffed out of the pub.

I was kinda hoping that Luke was made of stronger stuff.

TGIF July 9

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 8 episode on CBC

I don't want to be ungracious but the only way I'm going to get interested in the unending Norris/Ramsay saga is if the trunk is unlocked, Ramsay pops out and then throttles Norris. Now that's a good story! (with a happy ending - ed). But I digress. Let's move on to some of the more more memorable lines of the week and take a gander at TGIF (Tony Gordon, it's Friday), our weekly round-up of quips and one-liners from the past four episodes. Here we go:

Sally is rushing to finish the ironing before she and Kev leave on their cruise:
"Kev, shall I put a crease in these shorts?"
(No, but you may want to put a foot in his crotch when you find out what he's been up to)


Molly is making one of those annoying sexual double-entendre phone calls to Kev:
"I need a strong man to come and help me. I think my sparkplugs might need reigniting"
(Reminds me of that old song: 'Reignited and it feels so good' by Peaches and Herb)


Blanche compares notes on other funerals from her vast database:
"My friend Ethel Armitage were buried in a biodegradable coffin made of banana leaves."
(hmm, doesn't really a-peel to me)


Norris considers an appropriate epitaph to summarize his personality:
"He was a man who faced life’s misfortunes without complaint and with a ready smile"
(..and knew a miserable sod named Norris Cole)


Connie assures Tyrone that Vera's urn is coming with her and Jack to the new digs:
"Oh, she’s in the bag. She’s coming with us."
(I guess you could call that 'ash & carry')


Becky checks her inventory of attire for the honeymoon:
"Two bikinis, a pair of shorts, me battery fan"
(the perfect formal evening wear ensemble for Ms. Granger)


Audrey assures Emily that it's okay to complain about Mr Cole:
"Blaming Norris is one of the few pleasures we get in life"
(along with cricket and a nice cup of tea)


Audrey again making a confession:
"I've had plenty of shameful thoughts in the night, Emily.Mostly involving a young Engelbert Humperdinck"
(thanks, that's one image I'll never get out of my mind)

***

That's it for a week in which the average temperature was hotter than a fire in the knicker factory (which one? - ed). Hope you had a tolerable week and enjoy the weekend. Thanks for stopping by and see you next week. Cheers to all.

Molly's Motor

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 5 episode on CBC

Kevin and Molly are having it off but what good is an illicit affair without all the double entendres (what do you mean by that?- ed). And, since Kevin is a mechanic (he certainly has an 'internal combustion' when it comes to Molly - ed), it's only natural to expect a few automotive metaphors but let's be careful, it could easily get out of hand...

Kevin: Hello, Webster's Garage
Molly: Yes, I need a strong, muscular mechanic to fix my engine
Kevin: What seems to be the problem?
Molly: My engine is overheating. Maybe I need someone to top up my radiator?
Kevin: What does the temperature gauge say?
Molly: It says that my parts are overheating and I need a someone to reignite my spark plugs
Kevin: When was the last time you had your engine serviced?
Molly: Oooh, Too long. Perhaps someone needs to come over and make sure everything's in good working order.
Kevin: Sounds like you need a complete overhaul by a qualified mechanic. Someone who can check your engine and get your motor running to your satisfaction.
Molly: Yes, yes that's exactly what I need...
Kevin: Hmm. How about next Thursday?. I've got an MOT inspection in the morning but I can fit you in after lunch. Wait... we're talking about cars, right?

TGIF July 2

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 1 episode on CBC

Yes, I know, I'm a little tardy this week but summer skivin' is playing havoc with my schedule and I just got back to my Corrie central command post (your living room? -ed) where technology meets a nice cup of tea. Now don't get me started on that parrot or the rabbit or Molly's 'goo goo' eyes. Just let's sit back and enjoy some of the week's memorable lines in this edition of TGIF (Tony Gordon, it's Friday). Onward:

Simon explains his emotional state to Peter:
"I’m way too young to be experiencing all this loss "
(Not to mention the Barlows)


Sally is concerned by plans to have the rabbit burial in her backyard:
"Sophie, you know that Graeme's just pruned my herbaceous border"
(Wait till Kevin sees it)


Sally is perplexed by the fact that Simon's male rabbit was named Leanne:
"I think he was a transsexual rabbit "
(I think the politically correct term is 'lapin agile' )


Simon's touching eulogy for his dead rabbit gets personal:
"you were really clever when you pooed in your special box and not in the corner"
(hang on to that text, might come in handy for another funeral)


Julie recounts her night in bed with Jason:
"It was a nightmare because I was wearing me knickers with a picture of Orville the duck on the front"
(First question: How did a duck get on your knickers?)


Sean finally spells it out for Jason:
"You've been playing for a gay football team"
(you're offside... and fabulous!)


Blanche shares her secret ESP gift with Peter:
"Now, I've not told anyone this, but I’m a little bit psychotic"
(that explains a lot)


Emcee at the night club announces Jason's win:
"the moment you've all been waiting for: Mr. Gay Weatherfield"
(he's been outed and he wasn't even in)


Peter describes his deceased bunny experience to Leanne:
"there’s no mistaking a dead rabbit for a living one"
(unless it's just resting...)


Blanche wonders if Simon can be coaxed into tending to her feet:
"Do you think he'd take a pumice to me scaly parts? "
(I dunno, let me see the pumice)


Blanche shares a heart-to-heart with Leanne:
"Right this minute you could kill Peter and I'd be tempted to help you"
(I think they call that 'assisted homicide')

***

Well, that's it for another week. Once again, my apologies for the delay and I'm back next week in my familiar surroundings (minimum security detention facility? - ed). Cheers and all the best.