TGIF: Gail Platt wedding edition

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Oct 28 episode on CBC

Could wedding Number Five be the charm for Gail?  Let's review: Brian Tilsley (mechanic), Brian again (don't ask), Martin Platt (toy boy), Richard Hillman (psycho killer) and now Joe McIntyre (bankrupt, clinically depressed, back pain, prescription pill addiction, loan shark problems). Yikes. She'd have better luck in the 'women seeking wackos' section of Craigslist or the spam section of eHarmony. But I digress. In honour of Gail's nuptials, let's wish her the best and offer up some of the memorable Platt-related lines of the week in this edition of 'Tony Gordon, It's Friday'. Roll 'em:

Ted to Gail, thoughtfully comparing Nick with David:
"He’s not like David, is he? And I’m not running David down when I say that."
(although it's a not a bad idea)


Desperate Joe manages to get four grand from Ted:
"Ted, I am forever in your debt"
(Ted, Rick, whoever... the important thing is that you're forever in debt)


Gail reflects on her good fortune in meeting Joe:
"I know I’m lucky having someone special in my life"
(unfortunately it will probably be Rick the loan shark)


Gail has an important question for Nick:
"Will you be the ring bearer for me?"
(actually, in Canada, we call it the 'finger hoop carrier', eh)


Graeme assesses a photo of Norris in the local newspaper:
"It’s a surly, short, old baldy bloke in a tank top."
(Sorry, I know this is supposed to be a Gail-themed TGIF, but I couldn't resist)


Sean keeps his fingers crossed about Gail's latest choice of hubby:
"Hey, let’s hope this one is not as mad as a tree like the last one"
(Oh he is, she just hasn't 'twigged' yet...)


Is that really Dido I hear as Gail walks down the aisle?
"I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life"
(Well, it could have been worse, they played Kylie Minogue for previous wedding...)

***

Well, fellow Corrie fans, that's it for the week. I really hope Gail survives this marriage and I wish her well -- but, with a loan shark turning up as the first guest to the reception, things are not off to an auspicious start. Ah well. Thanks so much for stopping by and visiting and, as always, thanks for the nice comments. Have a good weekend and a Happy Halloween.

Ken Barlow vs George Wilson

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Oct 27 episode on CBC

Hello and welcome to another edition of 'Point and Counterpoint'. My name is Corrie Heart and my guest tonight is Kenneth Barlow, an educator and fierce proponent of public schools and barge-dwelling, comely, amateur thespians. Also my guest tonight, George Wilson, a wealthy bloke with a lot of dosh, a semi-trophy wife and a big mansion somewhere outside Weatherfield. George favours private schools and thinks Simon, his grandson, should be in one. Let's start with Ken. Why should Simon stay at Bessie Street School?

Ken: Bessie Street is a perfectly good school and there's nothing wrong with a public education. It's the foundation of an egalitarian British society. Plus they put on a really good Christmas nativity play even though Peter was admittedly drunk during last year's performance. But that's all changed since his steady relationship with a former escort/arsonist. Besides I went to Bessie Street School!

George: Exactly! I don't want Simon to grow up wandering around Coronation Street like a sad sack intellectual having it off with every woman who reads Virginia Woolf and likes a dry Chianti. That's why Simon needs to go to a nice, posh private school where he can learn to ride horses, play polo and dress in tweed -- all at the same time (like Prince Charles).

Ken:  Private schools breed superiority and class snobbery. It will make Simon look down on everyone else and his own family.

George: Public schools breed mediocrity. I want the best for Simon and I can afford it. Why shouldn't he have the best education that money can buy?

Ken: You puffed up capitalist. You could stand to lose a few pounds!

George: You geriatric supermarket trolley pusher. You could stand to earn a few pounds!

CH: Gentlemen, gentlemen! I'm afraid we're going to have to end it there. We've run out of time. Tomorrow, our special guest will be Rosie Webster who attended a private school and went on to become a successful roller-skating, cherry vodka sales representative. See you then and thanks for tuning in. 

Steve McDonald as Hamlet

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Oct 26 episode on CBC

To breed or not to breed: that is the question
Whether 'tis nobler in the bar to suffer
the slings and arrows of outrageous Becky
Or to sup ale against a sea of aggro
And by a skinful, end them? To pass out: to sleep,
to snore; and by a 'sleep' to say we end
The belly-aching and the thousand natural blows
That Steve is heir to, 'tis a situation
Devoutly to be missed. To lie, to cheat;
(you know, the usual):
perchance to scheme ay, there's the rub;
For in that scheme what dreams may come
When Steve has shuffled off to Streetcars

(exit)

Dear Joe McIntyre

spoiler alert; this post makes reference to the October 25 episode on CBC

The good news is I'm back at Corrie Central (your living room? -ed). The bad news is that my Peek Freans are all gone (please leave your medical condition out of this -ed) and my trusty assistant whom I shall refer to as 'Kirk the Second' neglected to switch on the state-of-the-art recording technology last night (maybe he ran out of wax cylinders? - ed) with the net result that I am, how you say, 'Street less'. Never fear, faithful BPH followers (three, I believe - ed), I hustled down to the local Tim Horton's early this morning and the lovely Judy (or Judé in Montreal) gave me a quick synopsis over a double double (hey, why don't you get her to do the blog too? - ed).

Seems like ol' Joe McIntyre is racking up more interest than a chip butty at the British Isles Show in Toronto. Once again, Joe is on the losing end of a business proposition. On the one hand, he can't seem to buy a break. On the other hand, he seems to have little or no interest in taking the bull by the horns and dealing with the problem of his friendly neighbourhood loan shark, the enigmatic 'Rick'.

Wouldn't it be a good idea for Joe to be slightly more proactive? For example, couldn't he go down to the loan shark's office (under the Viaduct, hours 9pm-2am, closed Sundays for leg breaking) and at least find out exactly how much he owes? Maybe he should come clean with Gail before Gail divests herself of her most precious asset (She's selling David down at the market? - ed). Last, but not least, how about unloading that bloody great eyesore parked in Gail's driveway (Again, David comes to mind - ed). 'Gail Force', that ironically-named yacht, could fetch a pretty penny on the open market (and open water) and settle Joe's mounting debt crisis.  As they say on the Street, 'Time to get rid'.

Tony Gordon,It's Friday Oct 22

Well, it's that time again. Since I'm away from my Corrie Control Centre and its state-of-the-art betamax recording system with eight-track tape audio sound, I'll make this a short edition of the award-winning TGIF (please stop using the term 'award-winning' - sincerely, Slingya, Hook & Bard, attorneys at law).

Tyrone assures Molly that it's okay to sing first thing in the morning:
"Never too early for karaoke"
(lucky for Molly it's not 'dance, dance revolution')


Molly isn't feeling the Christmas spirit:
"It’s just one big con, of load of hollow sentiment and false promises that don’t outlast the turkey."
(hey, just a second, Kevin' s not a turkey)


Steve wants to know what Liz is doing with Amy's drawing implements:
"where'd you get them felt tips from?"
(Oh boy, sometimes this job is too easy)


Graeme is upset by David's comments about his new eau de cologne:
"Oi, this aftershave were expensive. I got it off Molly’s auntie. It’s Alvin Klein"
(a friend of Arnie Versace?)


The truth comes out as Kev confesses to Bill Webster:
"I've been sleeping with Molly"
(anyhoo, nice chatting with ya' dad, gotta run)


Liz listening to an emotional Sally Webster singing 'Total Eclipse of the Heart'
"Blimey it’s a long song isn’t it?"
(Wait till she does 'Stairway to Heaven'...)


Steve ponders the dawning of a new year:
"2010. Shouldn’t we all be wearing silver jumpsuits?"
(No, just Liz)

***

That's it for the week. Thanks to Tony for the comments and for correcting my Tara/Nina mistake. With Dev's long list of lovelies, I sometimes get confused. Have a great weekend and enjoy the omnibus and meet me back here next week as the year 2010 gets underway on the street. 

Molly Dobbs' folly

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the October 20 episode on CBC

On Coronation Street there are only two choices for a woman scorned: going meekly away or going 'postal' (Because of the price of stamps? -ed). On the 'meek' side, there's Fiz (more or less) after she discovered that John Stape was doing the horizontal mambo with none other than Rosie Webster (the famous cherry vodka queen? - ed) on the side. Like the Scarlet Woman, Fiz bravely suffered through that humiliation without much pushback

On the other side of the coin, there's the other kind of reaction like:

- when Nina takes revenge on Dev by posting a giant-sized nude photo of him on a public wall (caution: objects in the photo may be larger than they appear - ed)

- when Tracy Barlow takes revenge on Dev by cutting his expensive wardrobe of suits into shreds (maybe she needed scraps for a quilt? - ed)

- or when Maya tried to blow up Dev and his fiance, Sunita, by tying them up and setting fire to Dev's shop, after blowing up his other corner shops (maybe she just didn't like cooking with gas - ed)

Hmm, funny how a lot of woman's scorn stories involve Dev - but I digress. The point is: Molly has been rudely - how you say - kicked to the curb by the Kevmeister. The question is: what will she do? Will she go quietly back to the Karaoke Komfort™ of her home with Ty -- or will she exact a lover's revenge on Kevin?

If I were a betting man (...Peter Barlow would be happy - ed), I'd say the latter.  

***

I'm off for a brief non-skiving trip for a few days but will try to post TGIF while on the road. Cheers, CH

Sally Webster & family

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the October 19 episode on CBC

I've often thought that the hidden genius of Coronation Street was making unsympathetic characters sometimes seem sympathetic and vice versa. Sally Webster is a case in point. It wasn't long ago that she was shouting the odds at John Stape, trying to run him out of the neighbourhood and making Fiz's life miserable. Now, in the face of her fight with Cancer, she seems resolute, strong and wholly sympathetic.

Suddenly, it's the rest of the Webster clan who are under the spotlight. Kevin, the cheating husband, has had second thoughts about his dalliance with Molly -- and it now becomes clear that he has treated both Sally and Molly in a most shabby way. Even Bill Webster, no stranger himself to adulterous legovers, is appalled when he finds out. Will Kevin rise to the occasion now that his wife is fighting cancer? I don't know. I get the sinking feeling that he might somehow fall back into his cheating ways - changing him from a long suffering spouse and good guy into a totally unsympathetic louse.

And what about Sophie and Rosie? Just how will they react to news of their mom's illness? I'm not sure that Sophie's religious zeal will be of comfort to Sally (she's not that religious). Rosie, on the other hand, may be the surprise here. Perhaps, she will, for once, rise to the occasion and stop thinking about herself for a while. Perhaps she will be a hidden source of strength for her. I know, I know, it sounds like a stretch but, as I say, sometimes the most unsympathetic characters on the Street can surprise you. 

***

In case you're interested, there's an interesting clip of the actor who plays Sally being interviewed on UK TV and you can find it on corrie canuck (one of Canada's stellar Corrie blogs). Cheers.

TGIF October 15

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Oct 14 episode on CBC

Well, the week ends on a sombre note in the Webster household. As for the Dobbs household, well, who knows what will happen. The potent combination of karaoke and impending news of marital infidelity could mean that someone will be spending the night at 'Heartbreak Hotel' (turn right at Lonely Street, can't miss it - ed). In the meantime, it's time for TGIF ('Tony Gordon, It's Friday'), our pick of some of the more memorable lines from this week's Corrie. Hit it:

Eileen looks at her son, Jason, and expresses herself emotionally:
"Every now and then I look at you and I think I gave birth to that."
(Ahhhh, I wonder if Hallmark makes a card with that inscription?)


Simon has his heart set on getting a dog:
"Can we have a greyhound?"
(No, son, but if you're very good, we can place a bet on one)


Prince Charming (Steve) is reluctant to kiss Claire:
"Can’t Cinderella cop off with somebody else?"
(It's a panto, not eharmony)


Simon is still keen on getting a dog:
"If I got a greyhound, I'd call him stripey"
('cause that's what Auntie Tracey's prison uniform looks like)


The pastor invites his baptismal candidate into the water:
"Sophie, will you join me in the baptism pool?"
(the water's fine)


Nick Tilsley makes smalltalk in a bar with a young fox known only as 'Tina':
"My mum’s getting married to this bloke who’s a waste of space"
(whoa, watch it, you're talking to Mr. waste-of-space's daughter)


Jesse comments on the size of ugly stepsister Sean's chest:
"Looks like you're trying to smuggle a couple of orphans out of the country to Madonna"
(Busted!)


Joe helpfully summarizes his recent history for Nick:
"I had a back problem, followed by my addiction to painkillers..."
(could you speed it up, Joe, he's only going to be here for a few weeks)


Amy brings down the house with her unexpected ad lib:
"Bollocks"
(No comment)

***

Well, that's it for another week. Thanks for yesterday's comment and for stopping by at the Hip. This week marks the departure of our dear Blanche. I believe her last word on the show was 'Alleluia', referring to the fact that Ken and Peter had finally agreed to put aside their disagreement. Enjoy the weekend and the omnibus edition. Cheers to all and meet you here next week.

Never mind the bollocks

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Oct 13 episode on CBC

PUB PRODUCTION OF CINDERELLA LACKS BALLS

by Corrie S. Heart

Weatherfield Gazette theatre critic

It was a case of the glass slipper being half empty - rather than half full - at the debut performance of Cinderella at the Rovers Return last night. The amateur Weatherfield production offered a bold, edgy take on the traditional panto classic -- with mixed results (and mixed drinks).

Kudos must go to convicted kidnapper John Stape whose play combined a modern sensibility with old fashioned conventions (oh no, it didn't - ed). Sparkling performances by the two ugly sisters energized the first Act (oh yes, they did - ed) thanks to Sean Tully and Jesse Chadwick. However the central love story of Cinderella and Prince Charming was somehow lacking in chemistry. Thespians Claire Peacock and Steve Macdonald failed to produce a spark. Special mention must go to Becky Granger, Graeme Proctor and Betty Turpin, an edgy no-nonsense fairy godmother with a simmering hotpot.  

As an X-rated Andrew Lloyd Webber-type gimmick, Stape's panto ends on a decidedly dramatic note when young Amy Barlow makes a short and stunning appearance, invoking the Sex Pistols era with a one-word shocker. This tawdry attempt to mix punk rock anarchy with a traditional panto is certainly different but surely there must be some other way to highlight the fact that all Cinderella pantos need balls? 

Cinderella is currently playing at the Rovers Return pub on a limited engagement. Call 555-PUNTER for reservations.

Canadian Idol

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Oct 12 episode on CBC

My, my, Nick Tilsley is back in town and he certainly seems different (almost like he's a different person - ed). Let's quickly summarize. Nick, the son of Gail Platt, is usually found in... Canada! I know what you're thinking (get on with it? - ed). Canada is not where most exiled Corrie citizens end up. They usually wind up in Spain or maybe Australia or even London.

So what was Nick doing in Canada?  Oh, you know, the usual: eating bacon, watching ice hockey, wearing a Mountie uniform and driving a canoe with all the mod cons (Oar on the floor? - ed). Of course, it's tough being an Englishman among all those rough-hewn, log rolling colonials, so Nicky makes the occasional visit to Weatherfield where he fights with Gail, impresses the punters with his Canadian accent and 'explores' his sexuality among the local talent.

He had a thing with Leanne but that didn't pan out and he returned to Canada. Then he had a thing with Maria but that didn't pan out so he returned to Canada (I'm surprised he didn't head to the airport after Tina left the bar - ed). Notice a pattern? Then, of course, there was his ambiguous friendship with Todd Grimshaw (Sarah Louise Platt's ex).

Why is Nick back on the Street? Well, it seems that he was summoned by his Gran, Audrey, probably via carrier pigeon ("lovey, they don't have phones in Canada"). Nick's immediate task seems to be stop Gail from marrying 'A Waste of Space' (Joe's middle name? - ed). But I'm sure that Nick's quest will also involve some romantic overtures (male or female? - ed).  Either way, the new and improved Nick certainly adds some much needed male eye-candy to the street and, with the recent departure of Luke 'Warm' Strong, I guess that's a good thing.

Hot pants, cold water

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the October 11 episode on CBC

I had a bad dream last night (stop eating pork scratchin's before going to bed - ed) and it was about Sophie's upcoming baptism-by-chlorinated-water. I dreamed that the whole sacred ceremony went pear-shaped. I'm not sure how it ended (with a cat fight? -ed) but you can see why I might be just a touch nervous about this watery sacrament (Holy Chlorine, Batman! - ed) and why it might become a deep sea debacle (Sally can't swim? -ed).

First and foremost, there's the fact that Rosie will be going directly to 'work' after this most revered religious ceremony and will thus be wearing her official uniform: hot pants (think of it as a vodka and water mix - ed). No doubt her outfit emblazoned with the solemn biblical-like words, 'pop my cherry', will only add to the devout nature of the swimming pool sacrament.

Then there's 'gentle Ben' who recently tried in on with Michelle (now that's what I call 'aqua fitness' - ed). God only knows what will happen if he shows up (Could be a 'Red' Sea happening if Sophie gets violent - ed).

Last, but not least, there's Kevin's affair with Molly which is on a slow boil. What if it all kicks off while Sophie's getting dunked by the Minister? Kevin could wind up in deep trouble in the deep end (although Sally will no doubt remain as shallow as ever - ed).


No wonder I couldn't sleep last night.

TGIF Oct 8

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Oct 7 episode on CBC

Let's take a quick look at the weekly Corrie checklist. Cat fight? Check. Someone in jail? Check. Sex? Check. Norris comeuppance? Check. Sordid affair? Check. Gossip at the factory? Double Check. Everything seems to be in order after another eventful week on the Street. The only thing left is this week's edition of 'Tony Gordon, It's Friday' or 'TGIF', our weekly round-up of lines from the past few days. Yeehaw!

Steve tells Dev that his bachelor sex life has been somewhat prolific:
"Well, be fair, mate. How many birds have you had since you and Sunita split up? You've even had a mother and daughter combo. I’m surprised you didn’t swap your bedroom door for a turnstile."
(...for Dev quantity is quality)


Dev suddenly asks Bernie to move in with him:
"This has just got to be the most self-serving, blinkered, unflattering, downright weird proposition I think I've ever heard"
(apart from the time she was asked to join a foursome)


Kevin tells Tyrone what not to get a woman for Christmas:
"Kitchen appliances for Christmas presents are liable to end up embedded in your skull"
(he's already had two 'Magic Bullets' surgically removed)


Eileen tells Ken and Deirdre what she has to look forward to at Christmas:
"A boyfriend who dresses like a cowboy, a parrot that hates me, and time-and-a-half in the cab office."
(At least the parrot doesn't have a crush on your half-sister... as far as I know)


Graeme instructs Norris in the sacred code of the window washer:
"What happens up a ladder, stays up a ladder. You get me? "
(Just ask Michelle. She has personal experience with men on ladders)


Audrey has her eye on a potential dating partner but there's a small problem:
"I'll have to get past his toupee first"
(Try walking faster than him.. and his head)


Sally tells her husband not to slag off God:
"Don’t slag God off, Kevin" 
(I believe it's the second Commandment, right after 'Thou shalt not skive')

***

That's it for the week. Thanks for stopping by. Have a great weekend and a Happy Thanksgiving. I'll be back next week banging on about the usual. Until then, I'll get on me bike and sling me hook.

Corrie alert - check your local listings

CORRIE TODAY AT 1.30 PM EDT - PLEASE CHECK YOUR LOCAL LISTINGS

Just thought I'd make a quick public service announcement. (You're ending the blog? - ed). I know daily Corrie watchers probably got the info via the scrolling message across the TV screen last night (while Michelle was having a hair-pulling street fight with Carla - damn the CBC and their impeccably bad timing). But, just in case, please note that Thursday's Coronation Street will air at 1.30pm.EDT. Please consult your local listings for details and here's the CBC schedule  for Thursday afternoon.

For some of you, this may mean making crucial adjustments to your VCR or other recording device - always nerve-wracking especially if there isn't a 14 year-old to help. Or, you could always do what I do and simply leave work early to watch the episode live and then return to work (although by the time I get back it will be 2.30pm, almost the end of the day, so there's really no point is there? Might as well, make myself comfrotable and have a nice cup of tea. I'm sure the gals at Underworld would back me up on that). (well skived! - ed)

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the Carla/Michelle fight. I often wonder why every cat fight in Coronation Street has to take place either a) on the street, or b) in the Rovers and then onto the Street.  Just another Corrie mystery, I suppose. Anyway, to quote the words of that poet, Kevin Webster, 'have a good one'.

Despicable 'T'

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the October 5 episode on CBC

"I was despicable" . Thus spake Tony Gordon a few days ago when he told Carla that it was none other than the TG himself who dispatched the enigmatic Jimmy to do away with her. Nothing personal, Tone was just trying to protect himself and his new nuclear family from his past indiscretions (Muder? - ed). Of course, that didn't work out. In an scene right out of the Keystone Cops, Carla thought she'd killed Jimmy and Tony convinced her to run back to LA.

But now things have fallen apart since DC Smith says the coppers have nabbed the elusive Jimmy and he's apparently ready to flap his gums like Jesse's parrot when Eileen walks into the room ("Polly want to kill her, squawk"). So what's the problem? Well, DC Smith clearly knows that Carla is not telling the truth and her alibi (I went shopping in LA - for six months. They have a lot of shops) is falling apart faster than a stale Barm cake at Roy's Rolls. After all, she actually found out all about Tony and how he killed Liam on the night of their Big Fight at Underworld.

So now what happens to Carla? Can she be charged for concealing a crime? How about for conking Jimmy on the head with a heavy object (her humongous wine glass? - ed)?  I'm not sure the police can or will lay any charges but just wait until Michelle, Roy, Hayley and everyone else finds out what Carla knew and when she knew it. Then just watch the fur fly.

TGIF October 1

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Sept 30 episode on CBC

Well, well, Tony, the eponymous patron of this revered Friday feature, makes his return (sitting in the John Stape memorial chair in the visitor's room at the local jail) and Carla will no doubt add some much needed eye-candy for the inmates. Elsewhere, the lovely Sunita also makes a return and reminds us (and Dev) what a fool Dev was to make such a mess of their relationship. Ah well, onward with another edition of 'Tony Gordon, It's Friday' or 'TGIF', our regular weekly potpourri of some of the memorable lines. Mush!

Ashley tries to help Claire recover from a mega-hangover after a night out with Becky:
"You've not had a drink since yesterday dinner. Fancy the hair of the dog later?"
(Hey, leave Schmeichel out of this)


Tyrone tells Kevin about his wildest dreams:
"...in me fantasy I’m a millionaire bachelor"
(well, the 'bachelor' part could be coming true soon)


Graeme poses yet another metaphysical question:
"Have you ever wondered what the crew of the Starship Enterprise wear to bed"
(in William Shatner's case, it's probably a girdle)


Anna Windass fusses over how the army might affect Gary's delicate digestive system:
"Did you tell ‘em what scrambled eggs do to your tummy?"
(I believe a full report has been submitted to Air Chief Marshal Sir Jock Stirrup)


Dev asserts his golfing superiority over Steve Macdonald:
"...for someone who’s been in more bunkers than Hitler, you really shouldn’t make golf jokes"
(yes, it makes Dev fuhrious)


Simon tells a strangely familiar store Santa what he wants for Christmas:
"I want a Wii console. Do you know what one is?"
(Yes, Simon but please refer to it as an 'I-console', this 'Father Christmas' would prefer the use of the appropriate personal pronoun)


Deirdre muses on the reasons for Ken's dismissal as a store Santa:
"I suppose you were never really cut out to be jolly"
(except perhaps when he was flying the um.. 'Jolly Roger' aboard the HMS Martha)


Blanche summarizes Ken's behaviour following the Santa debacle:
"Who needs a turkey when we've got you?"
(I guess Ken just marches to the beat of his own drumstick)


Sunita lists some of Dev's recent floozies:
"Prem Mandel’s wife, their daughter and now this Bernie!"
(hey, don't forget Lisa, the accountant)

***

Well, that's it for an other week. My, my, time just flies when you're having gin... er, I mean fun.  Hope you enjoyed visiting and thanks again for stopping by. If anyone can remember the name of Ken's ill-fated novel (I think it was something like 'The day after tomorrow' or 'the day before today' or something like that), let me know.  Have great weekend and enjoy the Sunday omnibus. Cheers!