Tony Gordon It's Friday: the catfight countdown edition

please note: this post makes reference to the March 29 episode on CBC

Loyal readers may have noticed the catfight countdown clock at the bottom of the last few posts. We here at Blanche's Polish Hip like to think we're at the forefront of low-brow, high tech and so, thanks to our tech intern Luke Skivewalker, we are proud to present this innovation. Oh sure it's tacky and yes, our lawyers (Slingya, Hooke & Bard) have already advised us to remove the offensive clock - but they're off at the golf course today so what the hay. Anyhoo, let's get down to it: our weekly selection of quotes called TGIF:

Norris overhears Lloyd, Stella and Karl at the Rovers:
"My antenna is twitching"
(perhaps you should see a doctor about that)


Peter's father wants to know why Peter went AWOL:
"My name's Ken and I'm livid"
(perhaps you should see a doctor about that)


Karl finds out about Lloyd's pass at Stella and expels him from the Rovers:
"You're barred!"
(Lloyd should feel honoured. He joins an exclusive club)


Simon doesn't understand why Steve is intoxicated by the yule foliage
"Who wants to smell like a Christmas tree?"
(I believe Dennis used to)
 

Norris explains the biggest challenge in decorating a Christmas tree:
"Getting the correct balance between tinsels and balls"  
(yes, a lack of balls may certainly be a problem)


Becky can't believe that Tracy would lie about the cause of her miscarriage:
"You're an evil, evil cow" 
(did I mention the word 'evil'?)


Kylie tells Gail she's found some recipes in one of her magazines:
"Menopause Monthly or whatever you call them"
(subscribe now and receive a free mood swing)


David questions Kylie's culinary skills:
"You put bacon in the toaster"
(you're lucky she didn't throw in a couple of eggs and a sausage)

***

Well, ardent aficionados of Corrie, that's it for another week. Christmas (on Coronation Street) is just around the corner and who knows what surprises it will bring. And, just before I go, can I just say that on the scale of planks, Steve Macdonald is right up there. Don't get me wrong, he can be lovable but he really doesn't have a clue. Ah well. have a great weekend, enjoy the omnibus and thanks so much for visiting. Cheers and meet you here next week.

Official Coronation Street Catfight Countdown Clock™

NUMBER OF ELAPSED DAYS WITHOUT A KNOCK DOWN, DRAG OUT FIGHT BETWEEN CARLA & LEANNE:

3

Coronation Street staircase accidents reach alarming proportions

please note: this post makes reference to the March 28 episode on CBC

CORONATION STREET STAIRCASE ACCIDENTS: 

A WEATHERFIELD GAZETTE INVESTIGATIVE REPORT

by Corrie Heart, Weatherfield Gazette Investigative Reporter & Food Critic

An investigation by the Weatherfield Gazette has revealed an alarming upswing in the number of staircase-related accidents which have occurred on Coronation Street.

The most recent incident involved a woman who claims she was pushed down the stairs of an apartment above a local taxi firm. The woman, who was later identified as Tracy Barlow of Coronation Street, claimed that a "manky skank who's always trying it on with Steve" shoved her down a flight of stairs. Ms. Barlow was later taken to hospital.

The incident followed a similar occurrence involving another local woman, Leanne Battersby, who tumbled down the stairs of her flat above a Bookies.  No charges were laid and police investigators found no evidence of wrongdoing.

Historical records show a third staircase incident occurred on the same street, this time involving Gail Platt who claimed, at the time, that she slipped on the stairs of her home. The cause of the accident was later attributed to her demon spawn, David Platt, although police have so far not linked the young psycho hairdresser to any other staircase incidents.

***

Official Coronation Street Catfight Countdown Clock™

NUMBER OF ELAPSED DAYS WITHOUT A KNOCK DOWN, DRAG OUT FIGHT BETWEEN CARLA & LEANNE:

2

Two turkeys on Coronation Street

please note: this post makes reference to the March 27 episode on CBC

First of all, I can't believe that Carla has actually accepted to be Peter-the-bigamist's lady in waiting. What's his secret? Why does he have multiple women swooning over him despite his many shortcomings (and tattoos -ed)? Does he have a special brand of Axe Deodorant for men (now with nicotine - ed)?

Now let's get to the two 'turkeys'. I'm talking of course about two sub-par story lines that just don't make any sense. First of all, there's Owen versus the Platts. This feud started, believe it or not, over the theft of a plastic Heron which Owen installed next to his beloved fish pond. To me this story seems like a hokey rerun of the 'stolen garden gnome' incident. This occurred several years ago was when someone was stealing Derek and Mavis Wilton's beloved garden gnomes - which was amusing given Derek's supercilious personality.  But with Owen, it just seems out of character with his rough, edgy builder/entrepreneur persona.

The other turkey is the contest about... turkeys. Rita and Emily have a flash fight in the Kabin about who can cook a better Christmas dinner. It comes out of nowhere and seems completely out of character for both women. Now they're hell bent on having a contest to see who can cook the best Christmas dinner. Wake me when this one is over too.

I apologize if I'm being a bit churlish about this but there's got to be more to Christmas on the Street besides a plastic heron and a couple of turkeys...

***

Official Coronation Street Catfight Countdown Clock™

NUMBER OF ELAPSED DAYS WITHOUT A KNOCK DOWN, DRAG OUT FIGHT BETWEEN CARLA & LEANNE:

1

Oh oh, I feel another bigamy coming on...

please note: this post makes reference to the March 26 episode on CBC

So Peter doesn't have the bottle to tell Leanne the truth about his night of heavenly delight with Carla. So now what? What's he going to tell Carla? Well, I'm sure he'll think of something. After all, it seems to me, this problem happened once before...hmmm

Carla: So did you tell her?

Peter: No.

Carla: Well what happens now?

Peter: I've got an idea. You see I was in this situation once before. I was engaged to a barmaid named Shelley and I happened to meet another woman. Her name was Lucy and she worked in a florist's. In fact, she was Si's mom. Anyway, I just couldn't break up with Shelley and I couldn't stop seeing Lucy so I married them both.  Oh sure, we had our problems (well all three-ways do, don't they?) but we made it work and for a short time we were really happy. So what do say Carla? Why don't we give it a try?

Carla: I think I need a goldfish bowl filled with Chardonnay.

Tony Gordon It's Friday: the stroppy cow edition

please note; this post makes reference to the March 22 episode on CBC

Here at Blanche's Polish Hip, everyone from Gordon Tony (our accountant) to Luke Skivewalker (our tech intern) has an opinion about the characters on the Street. Just yesterday our receptionist (Abbey Downton) was loudly complaining about Tina McIntyre. "I can't stand her," she said. "She's such a stroppy cow."

It's true. Tina's got the hunkiest, most desirable guy on the Street (Dr. Carter) and all she can do is complain and throw a beer in his face because he wants Tina to achieve her potential (how dare he, the cad! Tina has as much right as anyone else to be a waste of space -ed). With that in mind, it's time for our weekly look-back at some of the week's lines with TGIF or Tony Gordon, It's Friday.

Frank Foster's mom chides her son:
"I brought up a Neanderthal."
(that's certainly what they say over at Underworld)


Nick tells Eva that Gail is a social climber:
"She'd wear crampons to a cocktail party"
(ain't no mountain high enough...)


Sally complains about Sophie:

"For a born-again, lesbian, Christian, you haven't half got a one-track mind."
(Contact the Born Again Lesbian Christian Organization of Northern Youth (BALCONY) for more info)


Rosie doesn't like Sally's attitude toward Sophie and Sian:
"Mom, don't be so lesbophobic"
(yeah, there's nothing worse than a lesbophobe)


Frank criticizes his Mom's attitude:
"Stalin was more forgiving than you"
(and skiving is the opium of the masses I suppose)


Julie extols the virtues of Brian's cooking:
"Don't get me started on his dough balls"
(duly noted)
 

 

Peter reflects on the fate of a mate a year ago:

"He was a good man, Ashley"

(yes, that's why he's on tour in Canada)

***

Well, Corrie lovers, that's it for another week as Peter is on the brink of another fall from grace and, perhaps more disturbingly, there's someone named Oliver working at Nick's Bistro (who dat? - ed). Last night the 'Tales from the Street' Coronation Street tour was in Winnipeg and tonight... it's the Grand Theatre in Kingston and then Ottawa on Saturday. The Rideau-Carlton Entertainment Centre will never be the same (so it won't). Enjoy! Nice to have you visiting the Hip this week and have a great weekend.

Sophie's Choice

please note: this post makes reference to the March 20 episode on CBC

I was discussing Coronation Street with Judy at the Tim Hortons and the topic of Sophie Webster came up. I was saying how much more I liked Sophie when she was a studious, motivated young student excelling at her studies and being a clever counterpoint to Rosie's foibles. Why, I asked (while eating a Kruller), did Sophie choose to drop out of school, get a dead-end job at the corner shop and hang around whining all day long with Sian? Why could she not be a go-getter, improving her life, expanding her horizons and aiming for a bright future?

Judy just sighed and explained to me the facts of Coronation Street life. Sophie cannot be a successful young woman and live on the Street. To be on Coronation Street, young people have to drop out of school, work at local jobs, get married young and oscillate between the caf and the chippie.  There's Chesney.  He was a bright young kid who suddenly dropped out to work in the market selling dog accessories. Now he's living with Katy and expecting a sprog.  And what about Amber? A promising, charming uni student in London who returns to the street after dropping out and now pursuing a career as a skiver and a not-very-nice person.

I had to agree with Judy.  That seems to be the way of the Street. The only young people who went to uni in pursuit of bigger and better things (Toyah Battersby and Todd Grimshaw come to mind) are not on the Street anymore. Of course there's grandad Ken. He's the exception to the rule. He had lofty ambitions and a university education and is still on the Street -- but he's one of a kind.

***

A shout-out to Coronation Street fans in Brandon, Manitoba who are welcoming the four touring Corrie stars to the Centennial Auditorium this evening for Tales of The Street. Enjoy!

How to steal wine from a warehouse: A Coronation Street guide

please note: this post makes reference to the March 19 episode on CBC

At Blanche's Polish Hip, we're proud to present another in a series of acclaimed, educational articles. Following our highly successful guide to retail banking financial strategies, otherwise known as: "Big Jim's Top Ten Tips for Bank Robbing" , we now offer you a follow-up article.

HOW TO STEAL WINE FROM A WAREHOUSE

by

Eva Price

1. Get Nick to drive you over to the warehouse in an unmarked car. Oh sorry, I meant a highly visible motor vehicle with "Nick's Bistro" plastered all over the side.

2. Wear appropriate clothing for a night-time heist. I suggest a low-cut, black cocktail dress showing lots of cleavage and three-inch heels. You may need a light coat if the weather is parky.

3. Charm the security guard by offering to trade him access to the warehouse for sex. Be as explicit as possible.

4. Enter the warehouse by climbing through a washroom window. DO NOT REMOVE YOUR HIGH HEELS. (You'll want to look gorgeous for later).

5. Pretend to get stuck while climbing in through the window so Nick will have to push your tush (BONUS! LOL)

6. Enter the premises with Nick and locate the wine. 

7. Before loading the wine into the van, try it on with Nick and see if you can have a quick legover in the warehouse before completing the theft. The danger of being caught just heightens the sexual excitement (or so I have read).

8. Don't sneeze while the security guard is singing even though he's no Lady Gaga. (BONUS. Nick has to hold your nose. That can be a turn on)

9. Drive off with the cases of Cuvee du Manchester (It was a very good month) in the back of the van.

10. Try again to have a legover with Nick when you get back to the bistro.

Tony Gordon It's Friday: the runaway groom edition

please note: this post makes reference to the March 15 episode on CBC

Not long ago, Blanche's Polish Hip complained that the CBC didn't provide adequate warning about Corrie schedule disruptions. We asked, nay demanded, some kind of crawl at the bottom of the screen to warn us in advance when our regular flow of Corrie was to be interrupted. Well, I'm happy to say that the CBC responded with a screen crawl so large and frequent that I'm sure it was spotted by the Hubble telescope. Thank you Peter Mansbridge for personally taking care of this. Be assured that some fresh-minted Canadian Tire money is making its way to your dressing room in a brown paper envelope (nudge, nudge, wink, wink).

As for Corrie, it seems that Dennis Tanner is hiding a secret (a profound, sensual love for Norris? - ed). Apparently he jilted a fair maiden and left her standing at the altar. We'll learn more in due course, no doubt, but until then here's a little TGIF or Tony Gordon, It's Friday - our award-deprived feature with some of the week's memorable lines.

Dr. Carter's ex, Jenny,  tells Tina how she met Matt:
"It was love among the test tubes"
(he should have let the Bunsen burn her)


Chesney's last words to Schmeichel:
"Brave Boy"
(Amen)


Mary tells Norris what turns her on:
"I've always found the fishing forecasts very evocative"
(she gets turned on by short-wave radio)


Sally gets stroppy with Fiz:
"Thanks to you, Rosie was kidnapped twice"
(If he were still alive, ol Stape would probably go for the hat trick)


Julie tells Brian she prefers sex to UFO spotting
"I thought you might fancy some al fresco amour"
(sounds like a close encounter of the worst kind)


Denis is angry that Norris blabbed his personal story to the press:
"Why don't you mind your own business you nosy little man"
(If we knew the answer to that, we'd be rich)


Kirk reveals the truth about who won at poker and gets aggro for it:

"I hate being me sometimes"
(imagine how other people feel)


Sunita describes Dev when he has something to brag about:
"He's like a peacock on steroids"
(peacocks are much more modest)


Norris insists that Norma, Dennis' fiance, can confide in him:
"Discretion's my middle name"
(oh, I thought it was 'busybody')

***

Well, dear punters and punterettes, that's it for another week. The four Coronation Street stars have come and gone from Montreal leaving nothing but memories and a few empty lager glasses. Alas, they did not partake of this blog's generous offer of a free, all-expense paid gourmet lunch. Now they're off to the Humanities Theatre in Waterloo, Ontario before hitting the Knox United Church in Calgary on Sunday and Edmonton on Monday. The West will never be the same again (so it won't).  Have a great weekend and see you all here next week for more of the Hip.

Coronation Street poker games

please note: this post makes reference to the March 14 episode on CBC

Well, fair punters, today is C-Day (Coronation Street Day) in Montreal as the four stars of the Canada's most beloved pre-prime time TV show take to the stage this evening at Place des Arts to share their Tales of the Street. Sadly, still no word on the unique offer made by this blog of an all-expense, paid gourmet lunch (poutine or smoked meat sandwiches) for Ashley, Claire, Jim and Andy.

Ah well, let's talk poker. Specifically, the history of poker on Corrie. At last night's game, there was Karl, Ciaran, Kirk, Peter and Dev.  As you can probably guess, Ciaran bet his wedding hall deposit of £1,000 and lost to Karl, the grinning jackanape, who promptly went and lost it to Peter at the betting shop. On Coronation Street, we call that the 'Circle of Life'.

But this is not the first poker game on Corrie. It's a bit of a tradition which pops up every now and then. I can't remember them all, but I do know that Mike Baldwin was involved in quite a few.

On one occasion, Mike was playing cards with a group that included Don Brennan, a taxi driver who was married to Gail's mother-in-law. Mike and Don disliked each other so, as is usually the case, this poker game was a grudge match and Don foolishly wagered and lost his taxi to Mike. (Sound familiar?)

The there was another memorable match involving, among others, Danny Baldwin, Fred Elliot and Mike Baldwin in the back room at the Rovers. On this occasion, Mike and Fred were having the grudge match and the stakes (as usual) went way out of proportion as Mike puts up his share of the factory and Fred is forced to see him with the butcher's shop. I can't remember exactly how this one turned out, but I believe Mike (ever the card shark) won the game.

So, by comparison, Ciaran's loss to Karl was really a walk in the park -- until, of course, Michelle finds out.

Coronation Street Schedule Change on Friday March 16 on CBC

ATTENTION CANADIAN CORRIE LOVERS
Coronation Street will be seen on Friday March 16th at 1pm (EST) due to CBC hockey coverage starting at 7pm. If you miss Corrie at 1pm, don't forget that CBC replays the episode starting at midnight so you have a second chance to watch/record the episode.

Please check your local listings and set your video recording devices accordingly in order to ensure that you don't miss your Friday fix of Corrie. Cheers!

BTW, still no word from the four Coronation Street stars visiting Montreal on Thursday. Time is running out on the offer of an all-expense, paid gourmet lunch for Ashley, Claire, Jim and Andy. I'll keep you posted.

I love the smell of IKEA sofas in the evening

please note: this post makes reference to the March 13 episode on CBC

Poor Lloyd. It just gets worse and worse. First he loses his girlfriend. Then he loses contact with Russ. Now he loses his sofa. And, just to add accelerant to injury, he sets it on fire, in the middle of the street. (The only person who'll be happy about this is Eileen because it gives her a chance to call Paul the Fireman - ed).

I know what you're thinking. That's a nice piece of furniture (oh, and isn't it a shame that Chris hit his head). Sure is. The nicest sofa that money can buy from the Manchester Ikea and that can fit on the top of a Streetcars taxi.

If you're looking in the Ikea catalogue, I believe it's called a 'Wankeröost"
Key features:
- Easy to keep clean (or burn) with removable, flammable covers.
- Seat cushions filled with high resilience foam to provide comfortable support for Chris when he moves in
- Reversible back cushions filled with polyester fibers can be used as pillows for when you're sleeping there night after night because you fell out with Cheryl over Chris' brain tumour
- A range of coordinated covers makes it easy for the neighbours to see the sofa when you set it on fire in the Street.


You're welcome.


By the way, no word yet from the four Coronation Street stars who are visting Montreal on Thursday. My offer of an all-expenses paid, luxury, gourmet Montreal lunch of smoked meat or poutine still stands.
Please see Monday's post for all the details.

Welcome Coronation Street stars to Montreal & an offer you can't refuse

no spoilers were used in the preparation of this post

As many people know, four Coronation Street stars are touring Canada and scheduled to appear at Place des Arts this Thursday in Montreal, the hometown of Blanche's Polish Hip. The tour, called "Tales from the Street", features Steven Arnold (Ashley Peacock), Julia Haworth (Claire Peacock), Charles Lawson (Jim McDonald) and Nicholas Cochrane (Andy McDonald).

What you may not know is that I have just received authorization from Blanche's Polish Hip's accounting director (Gordon Tony) to make the following generous offer.

Blanche's Polish Hip is offering an all-expenses paid luxury lunch for all four (yes, even Andy) members of the Coronation Street cast tour. This is the best offer that has ever been made by a time-wasting, cheesy, virtually reader-free blog since Al Gore invented the Internet.

Here's what the offer includes:
- a chauffeur-driven ride in a state-of-the-art 1995 Toyota Corolla from your hotel (or hostel depending on your tour contract) to the fast-food establishment of your choice (already selected by Gordon Tony in order to meet cost-cutting criteria)
- your choice of a famous Quebec gourmet meal: either a smoked meat sandwich or poutine
- a small beverage (non-alcoholic, sorry Jim)
- witty banter from Blanche's Polish Hip ("So how long are you going to be in 'Spain', Andy?")
- napkins
- dessert (I already have four Mars Bars)
- a scenic drive back to your hotel (or hostel) past some of the most majestic construction roadwork and breathtaking potholes this side of the Rockies
- memories to last a lifetime (you won't forget this, try as you might)

That's it. Now all you have to do is contact Blanche's Polish Hip (corrieheartATgmailDOTcom) to claim your fabulous prize, and we at BPH will take care of the rest. How can you refuse?

Now for the fine print:
Please note that all conditions are subject to change. BPH is not responsible for the safety of passengers in the 1995 Toyota Corolla or incidents caused by rust. Please check with your independent travel insurance provider in case of accident. Smoked meat sandwiches provided may or may not contain actual meat. Poutine is a registered trademark of Pierre Poutine and not a recognized source of nutrients. All Coronation Street stars are required to comply with the terms and conditions of this offer with the exception of Jim MacDonald who can do whatever the hell he likes (so he can) and punch me on the nose at his discretion and in accordance with Coronation Street guidelines. Offer void where prohibited.

Lloyd's lamentable love life

no spoilers were used in the preparation of this post

Where to begin with Lloyd and his strange saga of loves lost?

Well, let's see. There was Kelly "Legs" Crabtree.  It was a fatal attraction. He was attracted to her legs. She was attracted to his dosh. However she didn't know about the indecent proposal by which old Lloydie acquired cash from a married woman (with whom he was having an affair) to buy half of Streetcars . (eh? - ed). I know, it's complicated. (Not complicated. hard to believe that Lloyd was selling his body for money, unless it was to science - ed).

The result?  Lloyd wound up with a laxative in his beer and a quick (very quick) trip to Weatherfield General.

Let's move on.

Ah yes. Then there was his famous May-December relationship (with Emily Bishop? - ed). It all started with a salsa class. Their eyes meet across a hardwood floor and before you could say "leopard skin top con mucho cleavage", Lloyd and Liz were having a steamy samba - much to the chagrin of Steve. But it couldn't last. Lloyd just wasn't Liz's type and so he had his heart broken again.

Go on.

Well, it was a proverbial case of out of the frying pan and into the fire. Lloyd fell out of Liz's arms and into... wait for it .. Teresa's clutches. Yes, that Teresa, ex-wife of Jerry the Kebab King, alcoholic, skiver and skint (I'm sorry, you'll have to narrow it down a bit - ed). Lloyd felt sorry for Teresa and took her in. Talk about your Odd Couple. But, like all good things, it had to end.

And so?

Well, where does anyone go to meet a nice, young woman with whom one can have a long-term relationship? A strip club, of course. There, Lloyd, the eternal nice guy with a soft heart, met Cheryl the Pole Dancer. It was love at first four-drink minimum. But Cheryl had enough baggage for an Air Canada surcharge: an abusive husband, a child and a lousy job. Lloyd was the knight in shining armour, generous to a fault, supportive and loving. He gladly took in Cheryl and Russ.

But Chris is a registered psycho with a brain tumour and he used his medical condition to get back with Cheryl. So where does that leave Lloyd? Same as always, heart broken and on the losing end of a high risk, doomed relationship. Poor Guy. It's not like there are a million nice fellas on the Street. If anyone deserves some happiness, it's Lloyd.

Tony Gordon It's Friday: the Schmeichel edition

please note: this post makes reference to the March 8 episode on CBC

Peter Bolesław Schmeichel was a talented Danish professional football player, voted the "World's Best Goalkeeper" in 1992. His namesake, Schmeichel (also a Great Dane), was a gift from Les Battersby to Chesney and a cherished canine friend and companion to the young man ever since. 

Although the Brown house on Coronation Street is ludicrously small for such a large dog, Schmeichel has been a constant (if not large) presence in Chesney's turbulent life. Small wonder that Ches is determined to save his faithful friend, even though he's doing it with the rent money. Elsewhere, with or without a brain tumour, Chris really is a head case. Oh well, let's do this thing called TGIF, some of the lines from the week:


Julie is ready to procreate with Brian:
"I want to be a mother. let's go make babies"
(too much information)

Brian assesses Julie's invitation:
"A beautiful sexual woman wants to make babies with me"
(what did I just say?)


Kirk doesn't understand the term 'frog march':

"Frogs don't march, they hop"
(please don't mention the phrase 'cakewalk' to him)


Izzy tells Julie that it's okay to work for Frank Foster: 
"Principles don't put bread on the table"
(except maybe for Brian)


Headline in local newspaper about Rosie Webster:
"Kidnap made me feel sexy"

(but Stape's quiz didn't make her feel sexy)


Sally is appalled by Rosie's newspaper interview

"Are you simple Rosie?"
(I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me)


Kevin is barbecuing for Sophie's birthday party:
"Anyone fancy a sausage?"
(isn't there a vegan option?)


Even Chesney is surprised by Kirk's habits:

"You keep dog biscuits in your pocket?"
(that's nothing, you should see what he's got in his wallet)


Julie tells Eileen that the Colin Fishwick events brought her and Brian together
"Something bright, shiny and wonderful came out of the darkness"
(Please make it go back into the darkness)

***

Well, faithful Corrie lovers, it's the end of another week with more trouble for Chesney, Underworld and Lloyd. Let's keep our fingers crossed for Schmeichel and hope that Chris eventually gets what's coming to him. Cheers and have a great weekend! 

Kidnap made me feel sexy - Rosie Webster's sequel

please note: this post makes reference to the March 7 episode on CBC

So everyone is upset with Rosie. Just because she shared intimate details about the Webster family with the local newspaper. Just because the lurid story has the headline 'KIDNAP MADE ME FEEL SEXY' (isn't that a Justin Timberlake song? - ed).  Just because she posed for a photo in handcuffs.

Is that all?

(Er, no. She also gave out details about Sally's battle with cancer. She revealed to the world that her sister is a lesbian - ed). 

Well, that's not so bad...

(Hang on. She also gave a nice summary of Kevin's affair and lots of information about the illegimiate offspring: Baby Jack. Plus the sordid details of her kidnapping ordeal which, according to the headline, made her feel sexy - ed).

Hmm. Well, okay, this is bad news and the Websters are understandably angry with Rosie. Me? Well I'm not that surprised that Rosie pulled a stunt like this to further her career. After all, she's done it before. As I recall she shared her kidnapping ordeal with the tabloids after John Stape kidnapped her the first time (it's like a Star Wars prequel with fewer death stars - ed). In fact, I even remember posting something at the time.

So while Rosie's recent media stunt may be embarrassing and foolish, it's hardly new. It's just tabloid history repeating itself.

(Oh, and by the way, why is Sian wearing gold DVDs on her ears instead of earrings?  - just asking)
.

Coronation Street mourns John Stape

please note: this post makes reference to the March 6 episode on CBC

Well, as Shakespeare would say, Exit John Stape. Yes, while old Stape has shuffled off his mortal coil (you mean ventilator - ed), Chesney is left with a dilemma. Fiz wants Ches to organize a funeral for Stape. Ches doesn't think Stape is worth it. It's true that these things can be complicated but I think we can make this one pretty simple... 

Choice of casket
Mahogany with brushed brass handles and silk interior lining?
Nah!  Let's just go with an old rug from upstairs.

Transportation Vehicle
Horse drawn hearse courtesy of Archie Shuttleworth?
Nah! Let's just go with the trunk of John's car

Location of funeral service?
Emily Bishop's Church?
Nah, what about the teacher's lounge at Weatherfield Comprehensive
 
Music?
Funeral for a Friend or Candle in the Wind by Elton John
Nah! Let's go with Madman Across the Water

Poetry for the eulogy?
"Funeral Blues" by W.H. Auden or "Do not go gentle into that good night" by Dylan Thomas?
Nah!  Let's just go with: "There was once was a nutter named Stape..." etc etc 

Cremation or burial?
Well, Underworld is closed and there is a vacancy in the concrete foundation...


Sorted.


BTW Nice to see Ciaran and the fair Michelle back in the Street.  That should spice things up

Schedule changes irk Coronation Street viewers

no spoilers were used in the preparation of this text

In the course of some scientific data analysis (i.e. a couple of random comments) and high-level focus groups (i.e. morning lineup at the Tim Hortons), it is clear that avid Coronation Street viewers are upset by CBC schedule changes which displace our beloved Corrie episodes, seemingly without warning.

A case in point: last week I happened to catch a snippet of a promo trumpeting a special edition of Hockey Night in Canada (HNIC) on a Thursday night starting at 7pm (Eastern). "Oh, that's interesting," I thought.

Then I realized this "special programming" would be taking place at the same time as Coronation Street. My spider senses (when he says 'spider', he's referring to Spider Nugent, Emily's nephew - ed) started tingling and I thought it best to check the CBC online schedule. Sure enough, HNIC was scheduled to start at 7pm, while ol' Corrie was relegated to 1pm. As far as I can tell, there was no advance notice given and no helpful programming info scrolling across the bottom of the screen on prior episodes (like they used to do).

Now, I'm actually a very loyal CBC watcher (Peter Mansbridge and I share the same head size) but what's with the lack of early warning? Sure it's okay if the episode is a sleeper (another Sophie existential crisis) but if it's important (a cat fight, punch-up or return of John Stape), we need to know (in advance) if there's going to be a program time change.

I suggest that a nice letter to CBC audience relations is required written either in Coronation Street-ese

Oi Cock. Don't be a plank. Tell us when we're going to be barred from watching Corrie, awright?. Now get on yer bike.

.. or in regular language:

Dear Audience Relations, would you mind advising us (preferably by way of a screen crawl) a day or two in advance of any disruption in Coronation Street programming. Loyal viewers can be adversely affected by the sudden preempting of an episode without adequate warning. Thanks awfully and best regards to "The Mansbridge" et al. etc etc.

Tony Gordon It's Friday: the weak-minded English teacher edition

please note: this post makes reference to the March 1 episode on CBC

This week had it all: kidnapping, firemen, car chases, bondage, court drama, gay marriage and a pop quiz. Who could ask for more?  So, without further ado, let's take a quick gander at some of the week's memorable lines in the could-be-famous Tony Gordon, It's Friday or TGIF, our regular Friday feature which gives you, the punters, some high quality time-wasting material. Let's start, and remember no chocolate bars or water, until you've memorized the blog and recited the key points to the court:

Marcus reveals to Sean the sad truth of what he observed in Freshcos:
"I saw the fireman with another woman"
(and she didn't even have her head stuck in the railings)


Rosie's nemesis, Stacey, brags to Rosie about her modelling gig:
"I'm the new face of Weatherfield Windows"
(slogan: you can see right through us)


Sophie makes a confession to Sunita:
"I kissed Amber"
(and I think she liked it...)


Sally, now working for the dark side, tries to entice Eileen:
"Mr Foster has a very attractive package"
(the wages and benefits aren't bad either)


Sally bemoans the complications of life:
"The world would be a far simpler place if there were no sex"
(Just ask Norris)


Rosie tells Jason she's optimistic about a potential buyer for the flat:

"I have a good feeling about Mr. Chips"
(Sadly, the feeling's not mutual)


Fiz swears to the court that she had no idea what happened to Colin Fishwick:
"I didn't know he was dead, I thought he was in Canada"
(Easy to get the two mixed up.)

***

Well, fellow convivial Corrie comrades, it looks like we're coming to the end of another week. Let's hope that Fiz doesn't get sent down and old Stape gets what's coming to him (i.e. a return visit to his cell at the local nick). 

I must confess to you that the adventures of Sophie are wearing thin for me. Ever since she dropped out of school and stopped doing much of anything, her character has become less interesting and more whiny. I liked her better when she was the studious, intelligent counterpoint to Rosie getting a good education and on her way to a successful future. I'm just saying... Anyway, that's enough mithering. Gotta get on my bike. Have a great weekend and meet you here next week. Cheers! 

Coronation Street scheduling... and Stape alert

please note: this post makes reference to the Feb 29 episode on CBC

Attention Corrie lovers. Coronation Street will be seen today (March 1, 2012) at 1pm (EST) due to CBC hockey coverage this evening. If you miss it at 1pm, don't forget that CBC replays the episode starting at midnight so you have a second chance to watch/record the episode. Please check your local listings and set your video recording devices accordingly in order to ensure that you don't miss the 'Return of the Stape'.

Speaking of which, I must say that John-Boy looks pretty good for a criminal on the run.

There he is in a nice car, sporting a Clooneyesque beard with a cellphone and lots of leisure time on his hands. Not only that, but he's found himself a prime parking spot on Coronation Street from where he can observe all the comings and goings of his loved ones. There just seems to be one problem, a fly in the ointment as it were. What could it be?  Oh yes, His wife is about to go down for a triple murder. Hey, Stape! How about driving over to the courthouse (in your flash motor) and popping into the trial to TELL THE TRUTH.

Just an idea. Oh, and if you are thinking about kidnapping someone, what about crazy Mary? It looks like she needs a hobby. Might as well be kidnap victim. You can find her in the courtroom where, by the way, your wife is being tried for murder.