TGIF August 27

Well, Roy seems to be taking an aggressive stance with Tony Gordon. Hope Tony doesn't call Jimmy or Mr. Cropper could find himself face down in a full English -- if you catch my drift. But that's enough of that, let's do a little thing we call 'Tony Gordon, It's Friday' or TGIF, our regular award-winning feature which offers a round-up of some memorable lines of the week. Forward!

Roy reluctantly admits that Tony's largess could finance some environmental projects:
"We want to reintroduce the crested newt to the old quarry"
(I don't think the crested newt's too keen...)


Graeme supports Frieda who stole her ex-boss' prosthesis::
"The woman hasn’t got a leg to stand on"
(Not anymore, anyway)


Roy takes the moral high ground with Haley:
"You're asking me to help cover up a murder? I don’t think I can do that"
(Oh come on Roy, give it a shot)


Joe entreats Ted to take a fine repast at the caf: 
"Come on, Ted. Let’s get some scram down our necks"
(after that, we'll have something to eat)


Horace Steele talking to Norris Cole:
"She was just shoving her hand into a jar of liquorice torpedoes when the good lord took her"
(damn those torpedoes!)

Norris gets a rude surprise at the garden centre thanks to Graeme:

"a crack hoe is definitely nothing to do with gardening"
(...ho ho ho)


Haley directs Roy's attention to the important things in life::
"Toilet roll needs changing, Roy."
(sounds like another exclusive for the Weatherfield Gazette)
 

***

Thanks for stopping by. I'm skiving this weekend. Back next week. See you then.

The Jake Mistake

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 24 episode on CBC

Since the untimely death of Liam the First (Ask Roy for details - ed), this blog has boldly bemoaned the lack of good-looking men on the Street (was that before Kirk appeared? - ed). please refer to the SHS (Serious Hunk Shortage) for further details. Then, out of the blue, comes this saucy, handsome young roofer named Jake who climbs up Michelle Connor's ladder (whoa, watch it, this is a family blog - ed).

Could Jake address the hunk shortage on Coronation Street?

In a word: 'No'. First of all, he's slung his hook (metaphorically speaking, of course - ed) and is off to Glasgow, presumably to yank the tiles off someone's roof and apply his unique brand of peeping tom-ism and skiving to the lucky Scots. I think ol' Jake fails the SHS requirement on several fronts.

First, he's all flash and no substance. All that endless yakking about how tasty Michelle is (okay, we get it, shut up already). Second he seems to combine the least desireable attributes of two former - better quality -hunks.

1) He seems to have the business ethics and cowboy builder qualities of Charlie Stubbs (remember when Chuckie got Jason to remove the tiles from Keith's roof because Keith refused to pay the exorbitant bill?). Jake's stunt vis a vis Dev's roof seems to come from the same book.

2) He has all the sincerity of the recently-departed Luke Strong. He simply says whatever it takes to get what he wants. If he wants to cop off with Michelle, he climbs through her window, takes off his clothes, gets arrested, asks her to run away to Scotland with him and then complains about her son and the baby she's looking after.

Don't get me wrong, I like flashy, smooth-talking guys who look good (Norris Cole, come on down - ed). But Jake?  Once you remove that towel, there's really not that much left.

I killed Liam

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 23 episode on CBC

"Helloo Royston Cropper! I'm so glad you could come visit me in the hospital after my braveheart attack. Maria, my love, could you move over and let this wonderful man in an anorak sit down at my bedside so I can have a wee chat. In fact, Maria my sweetmeat, I'm a tad peckish. Could you possibly pop out and get me and Roy something tasty to eat. I'd love a little home cooking. An Egg McMuffin, you say? Sounds delish and just what the doctor ordered. Bye, my love!

Good, we're alone, just you: Roy and me: Tony. Let's talk freely like two old chums. By the way, how's your lovely manwife? Guid? Guid. Well, enough small talk. Look, Roy, when I said 'I killed Liam', you must realize that I was talking metaphorically. After all, in some or another, didn't we all kill Liam? Aren't we all in some way responsible for the well being of our fellow man? After all, as they say, ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee.

Or, perhaps I was talking about my comedy routine. You see I do this very funny Scottish joke about a rabbi, a haggis and a single malt. When Liam heard this, he couldn't stop laughing so, in a sense, I 'killed' Liam with my very funny stand-up routine.

I think that clears up any misunderstanding and, just to show my heart's in the right place (i.e. my bare chest), let me write you a big fat cheque for your favourite charity: Bats Unlimited. Shall we say £5,000? No. let's make it £10,000 and I'll throw in a box of knickers from Underworld. I'm glad we could have this little chat, aren't you?"

TGIF August 20

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 19 episode on CBC

Readers, I'm in shock. It's something I never thought I'd see in the ICU of Weatherfield General Hospital: a bacon butty with brown sauce. Oh the humanity! As you no doubt know, 'Tony Gordon, It's Friday' or TGIF, is the regular award-winning feature which offers a round-up of some memorable lines of the week. This week's TGIF is particularly poignant given Tony's medical 'situation' so let's get on with it.  Allez:

Michelle wants total privacy in order to enjoy the finer things in life:
"I’m having a bath and playing Fleetwood Mac."
(don't forget your towel)


Kirk asks Tony about the possibility of employment at the factory:
"What’s your policy on employing family members?"
(Ozzie: Yes, Kirk: No)


Tony makes a confession to Maria:
"Sometimes when you're asleep I sneak downstairs and snuggle up with Ozzie"
(For God's sake man! What's next? Spooning with Kirk?)


Graeme offers Ashley reassuring words about the doctors doing the vasectomy:
They've sliced through more spaghetti than Pavarotti. What could possibly go wrong?
(hey, ever heard of al dente?)


Josh is asking questions about Ashley's impending operation:
"Is Daddy getting a haircut?"
(well, a haircut of sorts is certainly involved)


Kelly Crabtree thinks Michelle's suitor is a bit of alright:
"He could shin up my drainpipe any day"
(...assuming there isn't a line-up)


Liz sort-of warns Michelle's admirer not to bare all:
"If you drop that towel, I will phone police. Not immediately but very soon after. "
(she'll need time to assess the situation carefully)


Roy offers Tony some words of comfort in his time of need:
"Well, current studies show that hydrogenated vegetable fat is actually more dangerous than saturated animal fats"
(Could you put that on Tony's headstone?)


Tony is aware that his past sins will determine his fate after death:
"I’m on a one way ticket to hell"
(at least you'll get a ton of frequent flyer points)

***

Well, that's it for another week. Thank you kindly for your comments and it's true that in mentioning Kevin's tow truck I neglected to point out that it was not only a big honkin' tow truck, but in fact a big honkin' orange tow truck. Thanks to an astute reader for that. I hope you all have a great weekend and I'' meet you back here next week. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time to sling my hook and get on me bike.

Heart to heart

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 18 episode on CBC

This is the first I've heard about Tony's dodgy heart but, at any rate, due to the most unusual circumstances, ol Tone finds himself in the ICU of Weatherfield General with the one and only Roy Cropper at his bedside providing 'comfort' as only Roy knows how. What will transpire between these two mighty men? We can only guess, but I think it could go something like this:

Tony: I have a confession to make

Roy: You're attracted to Hayley?

Tony: No, man, it's not about your lovely manwife. I did something very bad.

Roy: I know. You jeopardized the well being of some endangered bats.A species which could have suffered irreparable damage if their delicate ecosystem had been destroyed by urbanization.


Tony: Och, no, man not the bloody bats. Something worse

Roy: Ah yes, the manufacture and sales of sub-standard undergarments at exorbitant prices. Hayley, my manwife, has described in great detail the multiple shortcomings of this moribund enterprise which I believe is neither ISO 9000 nor indeed ISO 14000 certified...

Tony: No, man, not that. For guidness sake, stop your twittering and listen. There was this speeding car and.....

Roy: Ah yes, say no more. I'm well aware of the deleterious carbon emissions of your current motorized vehicle. You no doubt regret not purchasing a more environmentally responsible conveyance, perhaps a Prius or some other hybrid automobile. 

Tony: Oh Guid God! Go get Janice Battersby...
 

Work for Kirk

First of all, Maria using Skype™ while in Cyprus? Pull the other one. Although I do believe the factory girls make frequent use of Skive™ while making 'softwear' at Underworld.

But I digress (and with ugly puns to boot - ed ). My plea today is for gainful employment for one Kirk Sutherland. I freely admit that, in this blog, not much space is devoted to ol' Kirkie (I guess that's because it would be considered a waste of space - ed). But, I really think Kirk has been hard done by in the employment arena and that's a shame because Kirk does have some good qualities and marketable skills (although most of his skills have gone to the dogs - ed). And, of late, I notice that Kirk's advice to Tyrone about women is curiously astute (like the Rainman in the body of Dear Abby - ed).

Anyway, for better or worse, I have a soft spot for Kirkie (in your head probably - ed) and I can think of a few job opportunities to be explored.

First and foremost, he really should be at the butcher's shop. I know that Ashley fired Kirk during a downsizing (wouldn't have happened on Fred's watch, I say, wouldn't happen - ed). It's nice for Graeme to have a steady job but Kirk has the chops to slice chops and he should be there at Ashley's aching side.

If not meat, what about being a delivery driver for Tony? I notice that Tone was quick to give Kirk the ol' 'McHeave Ho' when Kirk asked for a job at the factory but as I recall Jamie Baldwin used to do an adequate job driving the Underworld van and I bet Kirk could be just as adequate.

As a last resort, I think Kirk could even replace Nanny McPhee in the Kabin, as Norris' trusty sidekick. Oh sure, Kirk might not have the intellectual heft that Norris seeks but at least Kirk opens his mouth once in a while (even if he does sometimes forget to close it - ed).  Anyhoo, I'd like to see Kirk get a job and soon. Someone in the Sutherland family deserves a bright future and the way things are going, I don't think that's going to be Maria.

TGIF August 13

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 12 episode on CBC

Dear Reader(s), I make it a habit of not offering advice but, in this case, I am forced to make an exception. If you are EVER tempted to have a secret, sordid affair, or a legover liaison or something of this ilk, please choose your rendezvous vehicle with care. You might want to use a sleek, black sedan (very discreet) or perhaps a maroon SUV (handy all-wheel drive) or even a dark green mini-van (very versatile and innocuous) but, please, please don't ever use a HONKIN' BIG TOW TRUCK. Just a thought

Anyway, enough of that, let's enjoy another 'Tony Gordon, It's Friday' or TGIF, the regular award-winning feature which offers a round-up of some memorable lines of the week. Take it away:


Julie sounds the alarm to Tony about trouble at the factory:
"It’s Rosie. She’s locked herself in the office. She won’t come out."
(So what exactly is the problem?)

Gail summarizes the benefits of her partner's new project:
"It’s a good investment and it keeps Joe out of mischief"
(A prison timeshare?)


Kirk clears up a longstanding mystery:
"When I got christened, I were wriggling that much, the vicar dropped me straight on me head"
(No comment from Audrey... or me)


Jimmy tells Tony that their 'business' relationship is over:
"I've done all the killing I’m doing for you"
(and your 'free evenings and weekends' deal has expired too)


Tony gets all misty and nostalgic about Carla:
"I couldn’t harm a hair on her head"
(...but that towel turban thingy she's wearing, that's another story)


Vicar at Liam Jr 's christening asks a thorny question... at least from Tony's perspective:
"Therefore I ask, do you reject the devil and all rebellion against God?"
(...hmm, can he get back to you on that?)

Carla asks Tony about Jimmy's head injury:
"Is he bleeding on the rug?"
(ooh I hear it's impossible to get those stains out)

Kevin professes his smoldering passion for Molly:
"It’s torture all weekend knowing you're just 32 metres away"
(42 metres if you count the detour he has to make around Joe's boat)

***

Well, that's it for another week. Thank you kindly for your comments. I hope you have a great weekend and I look forward to you stopping by next week for more of the Hip. Cheers!

Tony: try texting

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 10 episode on CBC

Tony, Tony, Tony, what are you doing? You're holding up the christening of Liam Jr. simply because you've got a high level meeting with Jimmy. Everyone's getting antsy in the church - especially Helen. But all this could be avoided if Tony would simply use text messaging to communicate with Jimmy. That way, Tone could be sitting in the church with Maria while using his cellphone or Blackberry to converse with his favourite hitman. I think the text messaging conversation would go something like this:

Tony: Jimmy, M8. Need u 2 do a hit :-)

Jimmy: R U Crazee. No way :-||

Tony: U hav 2. cmon. it's EZ.

Jimmy: Y? Who is it?

Tony: Carla. She's bak & bad nuz 4 us

Jimmy: U do it then.

Tony: Hang on. Gotta renounce Satan BRB

Jimmy: U r on yr own, Tony

Tony: W8 a sec. Gotta lite a friggin candle here...

Jimmy: anyway my hoodies @ the dry cleaners. No can do.

Tony: pls or we r both dun 4

Jimmy: Oh ok. When?

Tony: wats guid 4 u?

Jimmy: 2day cud work.

Tony: Gr8! C U L8R.

***

Thanks so much for your comments. In talking about Barry and Helen's grieving , I had forgotten all about Dean who, as one reader pointed out, also died in a car crash. I believe Dean was Michelle's husband (correct me if I'm wrong) and adds to a tragic legacy of fatal car crashes involving the Connor males. Also, another sage reader, voiced chagrin ('groan' to be exact) over yesterday's post. Point taken.

The wreck of the sloop Joe M

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 9 episode on CBC

*Ahoy matey! Coronation Street takes on a decidedly nautical flavour now that Joe has moored his boat in Gail's dry dock (that's enough of that kind of language - ed). It almost brings a tear to my ear seeing Captain McIntyre and First Mate David Platt on the poop deck looking out over the salt air and the waters of the nearby canal (on the other side of the viaduct, five streets over, can't miss it).

The now appropriately named Gail (Gale? - ed) at first shivered her timbers at the thought of having such a wreck moored at her port of call. Admiral Audrey also raised a warning flag (the Jolly Roger? - ed) and more or less suggested that Joe should be keelhauled or made to walk the plank (plenty available at Bill's yard - ed).

But Joe has a plan (or maybe a treasure map - ed). He's the skipper with a clipper. (you mean the goat with a boat - ed). He plans to make the empty vessel ship shape. Maybe First Mate Platt will even swab the decks (judging from the cut of his jib, I would say not - ed). After that, Captain Joe will sell his hot yacht for a bag of doubloons (emphasis on 'loon' -ed) . As for Gail, well what can she do? Audrey may be wishing for Joe to sail off into the sunset but Gail will have to give Captain Joe the benefit of the doubt. It's a hull of a job -- but someone's got to do it.

*Note to readers : no puns were harmed in the making of this post

TGIF August 6

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 5 episode on CBC

She's back! And not a moment too soon. I have to say I was dozing off during some of the recent episodes not that Bill's boat, Teresa's curry and Rosie's business musings aren't riveting but, well, I think we all need a little Carla in our lives. But enough of this rambling (hear, hear! - ed), let's get to it. It's time for 'Tony Gordon, It's Friday' or TGIF, the regular award-winning feature which offers you, our reader(s), some of the more memorable lines of the week. Hit it:


Molly confesses to Kevin that copping off is not entirely copacetic:
"Do you know what I'd really like? A cuddle"
(Sorry, Kev, mate, looks like the party's over. Better pack up your Y-Fronts and leave quietly)


Michelle tries to get Barry and Helen out of the house for a while:
"You've not seen the red rec yet have you?"
(I believe the broken bottles and litter are beautiful this time of year)


Luke asks Rosie about their couple status:
"Are we back together or am I just a sleazy one night stand?"
(Turns out, it's both)


Sensitive Tony explains how difficult it is to come to terms with Liam's death:
"We all have to grieve in our own way"
(throw his wallet in the canal and pay off the hit man?)


Umed's motto is forgive and forget:
"I was told Teresa only poisoned her spouse. Who has not wanted to do that at some time or another? "
(...tough to argue with that logic)


Barry's sparkling dinner conversation:
"If breaking wind was an Olympic sport, we'd all be gold medalists"
(...something for Liam Jr to aspire to - besides strangling Tony)


Umed boasts of his international business acumen to Dev:
"I’m not known as the Indian Richard Branson for nothing"
(in-flight curry and pappadums for everyone in First Class!)


Kelly interrupts Rosie and Luke's meeting with pressing textile industry news:
"...there’s no bog roll in toilet again."
(better alert the media and send out a tweet)


Take it away, Blanche:
"That’s what Flossie Bailey said at the One O'clock Club’s dinner and dance, right before she went face down into her plate of spotted dick."
(...no comment needed)

***

Well, that's it for another week. Carla's back and there's gonna be trouble. can't wait. Be good, have a great weekend and thanks for stopping by. See you next week!

Kirk's Sister

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 4 episode on CBC

Well, you can put away the DNA test and cancel that call to CSI because, if there was ever any doubt that Maria is actually related to Kirk, it was proven beyond a shadow of a doubt when our Maria decided to announce her engagement to Tony -- to Liam's horrified, grieving mother and father, while sipping champagne on the one-year anniversary of Liam's death.

As Audrey might say: "What were you thinking, lovey?"

Talk about a bonehead Sutherland move. Yes, it's true that Barry and Helen can be a little hard to take, but, they are, after all, still struggling with the loss of their second son. And, especially on the anniversary of his death, it might have been a good idea to keep things a little low key and not rub their noses in it by having Tony around. Would it kill Maria to keep Tony on the back-burner for 72 hours ? (I like the idea of Tony on a back-burner - ed)

Then, of course, there's Tony himself, proposing to Maria on the anniversary of Liam's death in front of the gravestone at the cemetery and then topping it off with a nice bottle of bubbly (Cuvee Tactless 1993). As Helen says: "What exactly are you celebrating?" Hey, Tony, why not go all the way and put on a Tony Gordon mask while you're at it?

The only other possible explanation for Tony's lamentable behavior is that this is all part of some sick, twisted, revenge plot (see Tony Theory, part 1 & 2). Maria, on the other hand, well I guess it just runs in the family.

dodgy curry & other crimes

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 3 episode on CBC

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the little guy, entrepreneurship and healthy competition in the prepared food industry -- but I'm a little concerned by the apparent lack of standards applied to the purveyors of food products in the Street (what the hell are you banging on about? - ed).

The sight of Teresa handing over a variety of odd jars and containers filled with 'curry' make me just a little suspicious about whether or not hygiene is at the top of her agenda (after all, you know what her 'Mean Cuisine'™ did to Jerry?) These delectable -- but potentially dangerous -- spiced dishes (Anyone for Chicken Dupiazza?) seem to be hurriedly concocted in the confines of Darryl's kitchen. That's all well and good but then they are being served by Umed (nickname: 'Mumbai Coli') to an unsuspecting public.

Not bothered by that? Then how about old Auntie Pam and her thriving (not in a bacterial sense, I hope) home sandwich business. That's right. Last time I checked, Pam was happily placing expired slices of ham in between slices of 'beyond-best-buy date' bread and selling them to punters like Bill (rhymes with 'ill') on the street at room temperature.

And how about Eddie Windass? I haven't noticed the 'Greasy One' donning a hairnet and smock while baking one of his prize-winning confections, have you?

So, if you're planning on visiting the Street, looks like your best bet for a safe meal would be Roys Rolls (impeccable standards of hygiene) or Betty's Hot Pot (nothing could survive in there!).

Bon Appetit!

All eyes on Tony

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 2 episode on CBC

Oh oh, I don't like the look of this (pork scratchings after their best-buy date? - ed). Tony is reluctantly leaving Maria's place to "give her more space" and get away from the Connor inlaws (Helen & Barry). Geez, the way Tone is acting, you'd think Helen had wanted HIM to wear the Connor Christening gown (he certainly looks good in a flowing robe - but the holy water in the baptism font would certainly burn him - ed) .

Anyway, after jousting with 'Helen of Killjoy' over just about everything, Tony has had enough. He canna take no more and he jumps into his car to take a mini-break at his own place. Except, all this talk about 'Liam the First' seems to be getting on his nerves. As he pulls away, he's got that look in his eyes -- you know the look (glazed eyes, maniacal stare, evil focus? That's my Tony! - ed).

This can only mean one thing (the Scotch egg he had for brekkie gave him indigestion? - ed). It won't be long before ol' Tonemeister looks for the henchman's phone number on his cellphone speed dial. ("Hello, you've reached Jimmy. Press '1' to leave a message, press '2' if you want to make an appointment for an MOT inspection, press '3' if want me to 'knock off' someone. Thanks and have a good day.")

Questions abound. Who will be the target of Tony's ire this time? How many Connors can he dispense with before people become suspicious? Has Maria learned how to spell 'murder' correctly? Will Ryan's band play 'Hallelejuah' at the Christening? Will Tony have one of those nasty dizzy spells while they're playing? Will I stop asking annoying questions? (Yes).