best one-liners

no spoilers were used in the making of this post

Ahoy Corrie nation. It's the proverbial calm after the storm on the street. The wailing, weeping and gnashing of teeth following Liam's death has subsided, Carla is in LA, Tony is acting chummy, Stape has been apprehended and Rosie is back at home. All's quiet on the Northern front -- for now. The most recent episodes have been 'repositioning' episodes (to borrow a term from the cruise industry), setting up future storylines, re-introducing characters (Graham, Simon and maybe Haley in the near future) and tying up loose ends. So, it's probably a good time to present a recap of some of the best one-liners on recent shows. Here's my pick of the week:

"He's about as cut out for fatherhood as I am for rugby league" -- Blanche (about Peter Barlow's parenting prowess)

"The guilt trip express is due to leave in 5...4...3..." -- Peter Barlow (about his dad, Ken)

"The word 'dysfunctional' was created for our family" -- Peter (about the Barlow clan).

"I've seen the way they look at you, those young girls" -- Julie (about her Kirk).

"It's at times like this, I wish I'd got me fondue set" -- Julie (trying to comfort a distraught Fiz)

"I didn't see that" -- Giles, Tony's accountant, (upon receiving a cheque with Carla's forged signature from Tony)

"I always knew there was something weird about John Stape. Eyes like a dead fish." -- Vickie (describing Fiz's ex)

"Nice to know he can be a decent human being when he wants to be" - Sally (about Tony Gordon after the Tonemeister shows up to 'check up on Rosie' with flowers and a soothing brogue)

"It's not easy when you've got someone locked in your Gran's attic" -- John Stape explaining the hardships associated with being a kidnapper)

***

Shots from the hip... that's it for the week. Enjoy the Sunday omnibus edition and thanks for stopping by. One last public service announcement: As of Monday, August 31, Corrie moves to 6.30pm on weekdays. Please check your local listings for the correct broadcast time in your region.

Corrie ATMs

no spoilers were used in the preparation of this post

A slight digression from all the mayhem and madness on the Street to highlight a news story about the launch of five ATMs (automated teller machines) in East London that will display prompts and options in Cockney language.

According to the Company, customers who opt for the Cockney option, will be asked to enter their Huckleberry Finn (PIN) and will then be able to select sausage and mash (cash) amounts such as a speckled hen (£10). The machine will then advise that the machine is contacting their Rattle and Tank (Bank) for approval.

Makes me wonder if Coronation Street shouldn't have its own distinctive ATM machines. I think they might work something like this:

Step 1: Please enter your PIN number (or Rosie Webster's PIN number)

[ ]

Step 2: Please select your transaction

[] withdraw money for a pint & kebab

[] withdraw money from Rosie Webster's account

[] transfer money from Underworld to Giles, Tony Gordon's accountant

[] transfer lottery winnings to Janice Battersby


Step 3: Please select the amount

[] £300 quid for a stolen car from Graham

[] £10,000 for a bookie's shop

[] £10 or £10,000 - what hurts is your friends mean nothing to you

[] don't bother, I'm skint


Step 4: Processing... please wait... processing...

Sorry, insufficient funds. You're barred. Have a nice day.

***

Shots from the hip... two bookies on Coronation Street? what are the odds? (sorry, I couldn't resist)... the countdown continues for the Corrie weekday time change. As of Monday, August 31, Corrie moves to 6.30pm on weekdays. Please check your local listings for the correct broadcast time in your region.

Deadbeat Dads?

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 25 episode on CBC

Why is Ken taking a hard line with Peter on the subject of fatherhood and responsibility? My guess is that Barlow Senior is having a little deja vu (surely there's an ointment for that? - ed), a deja vu which dates back a few decades.

Back in the 70s, Ken was a single father too, faced with the daunting prospect of raising twins (Peter & Susan) after his wife died in an unfortunate hairdryer accident (It was the 70's, after all. I think Duran Duran almost drowned in a vat of mousse). Admittedly, those were different times, but Ken was still faced with a tough decision and he chose to send the kids to live with his wife's parents in Scotland (I know a nice lad from there, name's Tony I believe - ed).

Ken? Well, he stayed on the street, led a merry bachelor life, bedded and wedded a bevy of ladies (ask Blanche for details). But I think he still lives with the regret of not being a better father and perhaps that's what motivates him to take on his paternal and grandfatherly duties with such gusto these days. So, when he sees Peter ready to do a runner back to Portsmouth ("I'm not cut out to be a dad," explains Peter), Ken sees a part of himself from 30 years ago.

Perhaps that's why Ken loses it and starts pulling the bag out Peter's hands, telling him to face up to his responsibilities. It's probably something Ken wishes he had done all those years ago and I think he's probably speaking to himself -- as much as anyone else.

As for Blanche, well, as always she has the best line about Peter's behaviour, "...he's never out of that fridge, I think he might have a tape worm."

Small wonder that Peter was back in the Rovers 30 minutes later, having a drink with a comely young woman. What was her name again? Oh yeah, Leanne Battersby. That'll work out nicely.

***

Shots from the hip... thanks for your comments. Much appreciated. Don't forget that the countdown is on for the time change. As of Monday, August 31, Corrie moves to 6.30pm on weekdays. Please check your local listings and remember to reserve the services of a local teenager to change the settings on your VCR (or in my case the wax cylinder recording system).

Tony's Troubles

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 24 episode on CBC

Poor Tony. Life's hard for a villain. (Just ask Richard Hillman; he had to deal with David Platt - ed). Unfortunately, not even the Tonemeister is immune from the economic downturn. And, unlike other obstacles (Webster's Garage, Liam, endangered bats, Jed Stone's cat), he can't simply hand over a wad of cash and 'arrange' for the recession to have a 'wee accident'. So, for now, he is lumbered with a building full of unsold condos, mounting debt and a mouthy sales associate who always skiving (Leanne).

But that's just the beginning of his woes. Carla is AWOL in LA. She's been chatting with Leanne but won't even return Tony's calls and Leanne's explanation of 'poor reception in LA' (cellphone connectivity capital of the world) is a little, how you say, goofy. Then there's the sudden appearance of Giles, his accountant, whose job seems to be to remind Tony that he's leveraged all the way up to his sporron (Keep it clean - ed). Despite the problems, Tony refuses to lower the price on his condos to tempt would-be buyers. (How about a sales promotion like a free meal from that famous Scottish restaurant: McDonald's?)

On top of that, Rosie (a problem waiting to happen) has re-appeared out of nowhere like the Loch Ness Monster. Not only that, but she seems to be much smarter and canny than before she was kidnapped (Stockholm University syndrome? -ed). Here she is asking questions about her cellphone and why Tony didn't at least keep the SIM card. His only way to keep a lid on Rosie is by feeding her gems of management expertise like: "the only way to get on in management is to prove you can keep a secret" (yeah, just forget about increasing revenues, building marketshare or cutting costs).

Poor Tony doesn't even have a good buddy or peer to commiserate with. When he wants to have a heart-to-heart, Tony has to force his hired thug (the nervous bald guy) to be a friend, have a drink and listen to his problems (i.e. why doesn't Carla love me after I had Liam killed? What does a McBrother have to do to get a break?)

Boy, just wait till he finds out that 'Rosie's Insurance' has nothing to do with medical and dental coverage.

Jail time

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 20 episode on CBC

Weatherfield's finest may want to consider opening up a branch right on Coronation Street (the bookie's place is available or maybe they could buy one of Tony's swanky but empty condos). With an on-street facility, think of the time and money the police could save on driving, petrol etc. especially now that business is booming. In fact, the way things are going, half the Street could well be in the slammer before you can say 'Wormwood Scrubs'. I don't know what's going to happen but just consider all the possibilities:

John Stapes is charged with kidnapping and forcible confinement after keeping Rosie Webster locked up for five weeks (that's a lot of pasta salads and Celebrity magazines - ed) and sent down for three years minus a day, plus a week's detention at Weatherfield Comprehensive.

Rosie Webster is charged with assault causing bodily harm after whacking John-Boy on the noggin. She is sent down for three months plus one month of community service (which actually entails staying away from the community).

Kevin Webster goes after Stapes again (Round Two: this time it's personal - ed) and lands a roundhouse punch in the ex-teacher's kisser, resulting in two months for aggravated assault. Sally is aghast, again. She prefers to have a quiet word with Stapes about the incident.

Beckie Granger is charged with common assault and faces two years in P4W unless she agrees to dinner and dancing at Delfino's with DC Hooch. (I'll take the two years - ed)


Steve Macdonald is charged with obstruction of justice for lying to police about Beckie's alibi and is sentenced to 30 days less time for good behaviour - unless Jim shows up on visiting day and belts a prison guard.

Michelle Connor is charged with common assault after hitting Steve in the family jewels with a hot pot when she discovers that Steve has been telling police about an affair with Beckie. She is let off with a suspended sentence provided she participates in the Weatherfield police annual karaoke night (I hear DC Hooch does a mean 'Phil Collins' - ed)

Janice and Leanne Battersby are charged with several counts of identity theft, fraud and robbery. Further investigation reveals more alarming details about Leanne's involvement in a restaurant arson case. They are both let off with a stern warning.

Blanche Hunt is sued for slander by Nancy Gaskell after comparing Nancy to the devil and suggesting that she has cloven hooves. The case is thrown out and Blanche does not go to jail however she says she might as well because living with Ken and Deirdre "is just like prison without the regular meals".

Norris Cole is charged with identity theft after a certain Noretta Cole from Blackpool complains that someone stole her prize underwear in connection with a dream date contest. Norris chooses to represent himself in court but loses his case when none of his character witnesses show up. He is sentenced to two months of community service in the kebab shop.

***

Shots from the hip... that's it for the week. Thanks for stopping by and enjoy tonight's episode as well as Sunday's omnibus. Cheers.

Rosie & Newton

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 19 episode on CBC

I'm starting to think that Kevin and Sally should try to get a refund from Oak Hill Academy because I'm not sure Rosie learned very much at that fancy school. She certainly should have paid more attention during science classes so she could better understand Newton's Laws of Motion. Armed with that knowledge, Rosie may have been able to figure out effective ways to escape from John Stape's 'granny prison' (aka 'Grantanamo Bay' - ed) in a matter of minutes - rather than days or weeks. Just goes to show that a physics textbook can sometimes be more valuable than Celebrity magazine (surely not - ed).

Allow me to expand, dear Rosie, and please, try to pay attention.

Newton's Second Law of Motion shows us that there is a relationship between an object's mass, its acceleration, and the applied force. This means you should find yourself the biggest, heaviest object in the room and practice swinging it like a baseball bat. (After several days, you seem to be getting the hang of it). When you swing a heavy object, accelerating the speed of the object, you produce a powerful force. This force would be sufficient to bash down a flimsy door or whack a former teacher-turned-taxi driver in the noggin or the family jewels.


Newton's Third Law of Motion states that 'for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.' So what, you say? Well, dear Rosie, this means that your action (a well-placed swing of a heavy object into the numchuks of John Stapes) would result in said numchuks absorbing that force and cause old Stapey to double over in pain. Alternatively, a good hefty swing at the flimsy door would likely result in the door breaking. Are you with me so far? Good.

Finally, Newton's First Law of Motion states that every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it. Huh? you say. Well, to put it in your lingo, if Britney Spears is being chased by the papparazzi, she keeps running until her agent tells her to stop. In other words, once you escape, run! And keep running until you run into a copper (not DC Hooch).

Oh and one other thong (sorry, I mean thing). Please don't injure Fiz. She's already suffered enough.

Class dismissed.

Dreamy date

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 18 episode on CBC

Dear Noretta (sp?),

When the contest organizers forwarded me your prize-winning entry in the 'My dream date with Pierce Brosnan' contest, I couldn't help but personally respond to such a passionate and sexually-charged entry. Normally, my PR people do this sort of mandane task, but I insisted on writing (well, dictating) this myself. That's because I have a feeling that you, Noretta, are a very special woman. You mentioned your interest in newspapers and magazines - is it because you have appeared in so many as a model? Probably. You also mentioned confectionery. What a coincidence! I too have a knowledge of confectionery and you, my sweet, are the eye-candy which I seek.

I imagine you to be experienced in love (but not jaded). I wonder how old you are? But, no matter, undoubtedly, you are young at heart. Perhaps your dalliances with the opposite sex have been disappointing -- even hurtful in the past, but now you are ready for a longterm relationship, a companion and (dare I say it) a lover.

Is it kismet that your dream date and mine are almost identical? I too love oysters on the half shell (or even a kebab in a pinch). I too adore salsa dancing till dawn (although I don't mind a good book and a nice cup of cocoa with a friendly church lady either). I too love nothing better than a balloon ride over the East Lancs Road. (Did you know that it was Britain's first purpose-built intercity highway linking the cities of Manchester and Liverpool and officially opened by King George V on 18th July 1934?). Of course you did, my love.

I can't wait to see how you look in that fabulous lingerie which you won. Perhaps you will do me the singular honour of sending me a discreet photo (you did mention that you have easy access to stamps) so I can gaze longingly on a divine creature with the strange and haunting name of Noretta.

Till then, I remain Brosnan, Pierce Brosnan.

Mr Sub

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 17 episode on CBC

Seven days ago, on this very blog, the SHS (serious hunk shortage) was flagged as a crisis on the Street and an issue requiring immediate attention. Six days later, Peter Barlow rides to the rescue, jumping out of a car with the latest addition to the ever-expanding, ever-dysfunctional Barlow clan (Authorities have issued a 'sprog alert' - ed). You'll forgive me if I'm less than ecstatic.

Don't get me wrong. Peter's a fine lad and, yes, he served his country with distinction for many years on a submarine (the HMS Bladdered? - ed) - but he falls well short of bona fide hunk status. Why? Let's review the chronology of his return to the Street.

Hour 1: He is already smoking like a chimney and complaining to Ken about his hard times and the fact that he's been lumbered with a young'un. (To paraphrase a line from the Simpsons 'kissing Peter Barlow would be like kissing some divine ashtray')

Hour 2: He is in the Rovers, knocking back booze at a speed which would amaze Usain Bolt.

Hour 3: He is well lathered and publicly trying to give away his son to anyone in the Rovers. (another lottery? Good job Janice wasn't there. - ed)

Day 2: He is in the Rovers (right at the lunchtime opening bell) slinging back another batch of whiskies and lumbering home breathing noxious alcohol fumes. If he had run into Puff the Magic Dragon, he would probably have caused a minor explosion.

So far, so good. Now, I know Peter's had a hard time and his hard drinking, heavy smoking ways are a testament to his naval experience. (not to mention bigamy - ed) But, to paraphrase the Village People, he's not in the navy. He's supposed to be a responsible, sober adult - with a young child. If he ever cleaned up his act, he might become a little more attractive to the ladies on the Street -- but right now he's no hunk. In fact, Mr Sub is acting more like Mr. Sub-par.

Good Mourning

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 13 episode on CBC

In Coronation Street, as in reality, births, wedding and funerals comprise the major bookmarks or milestones of life (along with Stanley Cup finals - ed). Liam Connor's death is certainly one such milestone and this week's episodes have been testament to a week of mourning on the Street.

As usual, Corrie created a rich subtext to go along with the main event, along with all those little touches that show why Coronation Street, at its best, is great human drama.

My favourite moments from a sombre week included:
- The priest and his warm welcome of Ozzie into the funeral service (Good thing he was wearing black - ed)
- The array of mourners, including the Underworld staff, all lined up on the Street as the black limousines and the hearse pulled away (where was Archie Shuttleworth? - ed)
- The church readings and Ryan's impromptu story
- The subtle tension between Liam's parents and Maria's parents and Mrs. Connor's strong views on decorum, death and the funeral
- The music and the fact that, as the congregation left the church, there was a song by the rock group 'Bread' (popular in the 1970s) called 'Everything I Own' being sung
- The traditional Irish wake at the Rovers, the songs by Liam's dad, Kelly's toast, the tiff between Carla and Mrs. Connor and Tom's observation that "it wouldn't be an Irish funeral without a good scrap."

Last but not least there was the slow boil of agitation and anger on the part of Tony as he comes to realize that Liam, in death, is more loved and cherished than Tony will ever be in life. That's something that money just can't buy - although you can bet the Tonemeister will give it his best shot.

***

shots from the hip... that's it for the week. Thanks for stopping by and thanks for your kind comments. Hope you enjoy the Sunday omnibus show on CBC and I'll see you all here next week. Cheers.

Maria d'Urbervilles

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 12 episode on CBC

Meet Tess of the d'Urbervilles, a young lady from a peasant family who endures misfortune after misfortune. Tess is taken advantage of by a rogue, has a baby who lives only one week, loses the man she loves (twice), stays with a man she hates. kills the man she hates and is arrested for murder and... well you get the idea.

When I see Maria sitting in church with Ozzie, I can't help thinking that she is the Street's 'Tess', the original hard luck girl. Maria herself alludes to this at one point by saying that her family seems to be plagued with bad luck. Maria, like Tess, has noble aspirations. She transforms herself from a Wellington-boot wearing kennel worker into a bona fide hairdresser. Along the way, she has a string of failed relationships with men from Jason to Nick (of Canada) to Peter Barlow. (For the record: she is bored in Canada, probably from watching too much Peter Mansbridge).

Her only true love (arguably) is Tyrone but she loses him. Incredibly, he dumps her since he can never meet her expectations. The family leaves the kennel in the hands of CEO Kirk (he's no Richard Branson - ed) to go look after donkeys (that's right, donkeys). Kirk loses the business and is now unemployed (I think). Meanwhile Maria continues to lurch from disaster to disaster (a sordid affair with Charlie Stubbs, for example). Most recently there is the sad story of her dead baby and. of course, the death of her husband Liam.

The novel, Tess of the d'Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy, was published in 1891. Maria's saga has yet to be played out but I do hope her luck changes. She certainly deserves it.

Backside Wiper

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 11 episode on CBC

POSITION AVAILABLE

Senior Backside Wiper (salary range: £000-£000)

As a demonstrated leader, facilitator and organizer, you have a dynamic vision of superior customer service and a flair for superior results - in the field and on paper. Reporting to Nancy Gaskell, you will lead a distinguished team of seasoned (i.e. retired) professionals to exotic international locales, ensuring that the highest standards of care and excellence are achieved in all areas -- from top to.. er... bottom.

Your roles and responsibilities include:
- interfacing with a broad based cross-section of our clientele
- taking a 'hands-on' approach to problem solving
- acting on continuous input and dialoguing with a challenging group
- 'hand and foot' style service, providing tea and alcohol-based beverages at frequent intervals

Interested applicants must be:
- mobile (very mobile) and willing to relocate
- attuned to the needs of a specific demographic (on the high side of 70)
- knowledgeable about bursitis, rheumatism and gout
- familiar with basic principles of health and personal hygiene

Bilingualism is a definite ass-et as successful candidates will be required to say things like: "You call this tea?" and "Where's the WC dammit, this is an emergency" -- in English and French.

To learn more about this exciting opportunity in the hospitality sector, contact Deirdre Barlow at 1-800-FAG-BREAK.

SHS (serious hunk shortage)

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 10 episode on CBC

Memo to: Corrie powers that be
From: Corrie Heart
Re: SHS

It has come to my attention (after speaking with several discerning female viewers), that there is an issue developing on Coronation Street which requires immediate action. (the mess in Darryl's shed? - ed).

The issue is the Serious Hunk Shortage (SHS) following the sad exit of the tall, broody, dark, handsome (that's enough - ed) Liam Connor (May he rest in peace - or in a future BBC mini-series). The fact is that Corrie is running dangerously low on good-looking men (aka eye-candy). First, there was the loss of Harry Mason (the mature betting woman's crumpet) and now Liam. Tony Gordon, whom some find appealing despite (or because of) his Scottish-psycho charm, is assuredly out of the running as a hunk in good standing as he continues to wreak evil.

Who does that leave?

Let's do a brief male-call.

Steve Macdonald - goofy looks, endearing charm and bad haircut. Good lad but hardly in the same leagues as our Liam.

Lloyd Mullaney - cuddly, cute and well meaning but no Daniel Craig - unless Daniel Craig has started eating large quantities of kebabs.

Dev Allahan - used to be a smooth talking, ladies' man in his heyday. Now he's more or less retired to the confines of his corner shop even though he is currently dating a mother-daughter combo (maybe he's still got it).

Kevin Webster - some women may like his 'Fight Club' earthiness but I don't hear much swooning.

Tyrone Dobbs - Corrie's answer to Wayne Rooney has a heart of gold but Maria didn't spend months trying to make him over for nothing. (See also: chest hair waxing).

Kirk Sutherland - Movie star good looks... if the movie is 'Deliverance' (according to Janice Battersby).

I think this cursory glance at the Corrie males proves conclusively that there is indeed a SHS on the street and I look forward to remedial action in the near future (i.e before Rosie runs out of pasta salad).

Yours Sincerely,

etc etc.

Now, about that cat...

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 6 episode on CBC

John and Fiz have shared that most intimate of moments between man and woman. Now, in the beautiful afterglow, John has no choice but to reveal an ugly secret to his beloved. He has concealed this terrible truth for several long days and nights and now he must choose exactly the right words to explain what has happened and what he has done in such a way that Fiz will somehow understand. What on earth will he say?

"Fiz, darling, I have something to tell you. Something very important, a secret that I have been keeping and it's tearing me apart because you should know and you deserve to know because that's how much I love you..

"No darling Fiz, don't talk, don't say a word. Just lie there like the vision of loveliness that you are with that sexy terrycloth towel still wrapped around your head and your extra-comfortable white Marks & Spencer jammies. Just let me talk and don't try to stop me.

"You see, dearest Fiz, I have not been rushing off to feed Gran's cat every day. Gran's cat ran away the day after I started hanging around Gran's house (must be a coincidence). But, I have been making regular visits to feed a living creature. that much is true. Only, the thing is (and I know you'll undertand dear Fiz because you are a caring person), I have been going over to Gran's house to feed Rosie Webster because I'm keeping her locked up in the attic.

"I know, I know. But believe me Fiz, it sounds worse than it is. And I have been through hell over the past few days. Do you know that she won't even try to read 'Catcher in the Rye' or 'Tess of the D'Urbervilles" ? It's horrible. It's like she has no interest in Salinger's sense of post-modern alienation or Hardy's 19th century naturalism.

"And she's so selfish! I mean, how many bags of hobnobs does one person need? You're not like that Fiz. You would share your hobnobs. (No Fiz, I'm not suggesting anything by that). I just want to share my life with you. Kidnapping Rosie Webster has only made me love you more, dearest Fiz. Don't let this felony or the long list of subsequent criminal charges come between us. Remember what you said downstairs when you told me to put the can down. You said 'Life's too short'. What do you say Fiz, my love?"

***

Shots from the hip... well that's it for the week. Thanks very much for the nice comments, you're too kind. It's been a great week of Corrie and I hope you enjoy tonight's episode as well as the weekend omnibus edition. I'll be back next Tuesday with more from the hip. Thanks for visiting and cheers to all.

criminal cornucopia

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 5 episode on CBC

There are so many characters engaged in unlawful or unethical activities these days, I'm beginning to think there's something in the Corrie water (cadmium, lead, mercury... probably everything except water - ed). The way things are going, I almost need some kind of guide or rating system to keep track of who's doing what to whom - something like the Moody's or Standard & Poor's credit rating system. Let's take this approach to the current cast of villains and miscreants roaming the Street.

Miscreant: Tony Gordon
Evil Rating: AAA
Reason: nasty piece of work. No remorse. no conscience. Pays others to do his dirty work. Never met a wallet he didn't like. Look out, Carla.


Miscreant: John Stape
Evil Rating: A (could be upgraded)
Reason: Devious little toad. Trying to worm his way back into Fiz's life. Keeping a Webster (not a cat) in his gran's house. Cat would be less trouble (but I digress). Not a nice thing to do. Rating could be upgraded pending more info.


Miscreant: Leanne Battersby
Evil rating: BBB-
Reason: Where do I start? Fraud, prostitution, conspiracy to commit arson, theft (and that's just page one of the rap sheet). Could be upgraded but, so far, lacks pure evil motive and psycho rationale of higher-rated miscreants.


Miscreant: Janice Battersby
Evil rating: B
Reason: She's got a big gob and made some dumb mistakes (i.e. stealing loto winnings) but she's no evil genius. Hasn't got the bottle for serious evil (a big disappointment to her daughter - see above).


Miscreant: Schmeichel
Evil Rating: CC
Reason: Unruly behaviour. According to Norris, "that dog pinned me against the kebab shop window the other day." (Who's a good little doggie? Yes you are. yes you are!)

Hillman Jr ?

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 4 episode on CBC

Tony Gordon takes a leisurely stroll in the dead of night, walks across Weatherfield's own Bridge of Sighs and casually tosses Liam Connor's wallet into the canal. At this point, the comparisons with Corrie's last killer (Richard Hillman esq) are only natural. However, I think Tony is a very different kind of psychopath and, apart from an apparent love of the canal, I'm not sure they have that much in common.

The biggest difference so far is the modus operandi (that's enough Latin - ed). Richard Hillman was a..um.. 'hands-on' murderer. He didn't sub-contract any of the heavy lifting and was strictly DIY. Tony, on the other hand, doesn't do any of the heavy lifting ('heavy killing', surely - ed). He has yet to get his hands dirty and must have a big rolodex (enough euphemisms -ed). Whenever Tony needs a 'job done', all he has to do is look under 'L' for lowlife and, Bob's your uncle, he has the number of some thug to help him achieve his ends.

And, while Richard Hillman's stated goal was to succeed financially and have a happy (if not underwater) family with Gail and the Platts, Tony's endgame is much more sinister. When Tom tearfully ponders the cirucmstances of Liam's death, Tony says, "Don't think." (Not a problem in Tom's case, actually). Later on, when he's back home watching Carla inhale single malt, he muses about the 'price of love'. "No sense of loss quite like it," he says matter of factly.

Tony's objective appears to be nothing less than complete revenge and the sick satisfaction that comes from the pain and suffering of others. In some ways, that's even more chilling than the Hillman saga. Let's just hope that someone (the police or maybe Roy Cropper - he seems to have won in the case of 'Gordon v. bats') can derail Tony Gordon's plans before it's too late.

masks

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 3 episode on CBC

Masks were everywhere in Monday's episode and they were, in turn, amusing, ominous and ultimately deadly.

Of course, the lads participating in Tony Gordon's never-ending stag party were still wearing their Tony masks throughout the night. Meanwhile, back at the Rover's, who should show up at Carla's never-ending hen party but Zorro (the stripper) wearing, of course, a mask. Then there was Kelly, also wearing a mask, and telling one of the most unappetizing stories about a stripper which I have ever heard ("he took his socks off last") Yuk.

Masks serve many uses (protection, concealment, performance, amusement) and they did indeed work in all those ways towards the ugly and inevitable end of the night. Everything that happened was disquieting in one way or another. The lads play a drinking game 'what would you do on your last night on earth?' Carla is forced to endure Zorro the stripper gyrating on her. And you know Carla is really in crisis mode when she resorts to heart-to-heart chats with Leanne, Maria and Deirdre (I guess she really doesn't have a single friend in the world).

Then there were all those heavy moments of symetry. Both Carla and Liam quit smoking years ago and yet each, in different settings, decides to have a cigarette. Both Carla and Maria are featured in taxis with the radio blaring. In Carla's case, the song playing is 'Mis-shapes'. In part, the lyric says " the future that you've got mapped out is nothing much to shout about."

At the end of the episode, it's Maria rushing to tell Liam that she is pregnant, sitting in the back of a cab while Petula Clark's 'Downtown' is playing on the radio with all it's innocent, heartbreaking irony, "things will be great when you're downtown."

It is only at the very end that the final mask is lifted as Tony reveals his true, pernicious self, leaning over a lifeless Liam in the street. "Looks like the best man lost," he says. Spoken like a true psychopath

Welcome to Blanche's Polish hip

I'm repeating my welcome message in August as I continue 'roadtesting' this relatively new blog. Please bear with me if you've already read it

Hello (or as Blanche might say, 'get on your bike') and thanks for stopping by

Welcome to 'Blanche's Polish hip', a Coronation Street blog named in honour of Blanche Hunt's replacement hip surgery, an operation which was done in Poland for, um, financial reasons and also to make as many people as possible feel guilty (I hope you're listening, Deirdre) . Blanche is the acerbic beacon for this tongue-in-cheek commentary on the Coronation Street episodes watched by faithful Canadian fans every weekday. Like many Corrie fans, I have been watching the show from 'Corrie Central' (i.e. my living room in Montreal) for a long, long time and enjoy discussing characters and stories - usually from a humorous perspective. My fictitious editor frequently adds his own cryptic comments to blog entries (in parentheses and in italics and attributed to 'ed').

Blog posts are generally updated three or four times a week following the airing of weekday episodes on CBC TV so please be aware of the potential for spoilers -- especially if you're a Sunday omnibus edition viewer.

I hope you enjoy visiting (or as Blanche might say, 'stop reading this mindless twittering and put the kettle on')