Social services on high alert

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 30 episode on CBC

the scene:

Weatherfield Social Services offices. Two social services agents are reviewing the details pertaining to Aadi  and Asha Allahan. As they dig deeper, they find disturbing information relating to other children on Coronation Street...

Agent #1: You know the Alahan case?

Agent #2: Yes.

Agent #1: Well, the more I learn about Coronation Street, the more concerned I become about the other kids living on that street.

Agent #2: What do you mean?

Agent #1: Well, take Russ Gray, son of Cheryl. I hear he's been bullying young Simon Barlow.

Agent #2: Hmm. Sounds like we should take action...

Agent #1: Then there's Simon's father, Peter. Looks like he's been ill-treatd by his father Ken. Sent away to live with his grandparents at the age of 6, it says here.

Agent #2: Oh?

Agent #1: And that's not all. Seems that this 'Ken' fellow has been bullying his other son, Lawrence, simply because Lawrence is a homophobe.

Agent #2: Tsk tsk. We should think about placing Lawrence and Peter in foster care while we investigate further.

Agent #1: Yes, but first here's another pressing case on the same street. The Websters, I believe. This one makes my stomach turn. One daughter is forced to parade around the house with a skiimpy outfit with 'Pop My Cherry' written on it. The other has run away, persecuted for pursuing an alternative lifestyle and singing in a groovy Christian choir.

Agent #2: Good God! Are these people animals?

Agent #1: That's just the tip of the iceberg. This fellow, Ashley Peacock also on Coronation Street , has two sons and apparently I'm told he a - quote - 'butcher'.

Agent #2: Let's just make this simple and round up all the kids on the street. I think we'll need a school bus...

Agent #1:  Let's roll.

Congratulations! It's a Webster.

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the  June 27 episode on CBC

If it's a boy: Kevin. If it's a girl: Kevina. Case closed. Yes, Corrie lovers, the theme of paternity (and maternity) is in high gear on the street. Look at the proud-ish mamas and papas:

Kylie, between taking smoke breaks in the shelter and making goo goo eyes at Private Windass (Windasses' privates? - ed), contemplates how to get custody of her little boy, while preparing for a tag team cat fight  (Grangers v. Liz/Michelle - probably available on pay per view shortly).

Ken is glowing with paternal pride as he discovers the son of a son (wonder if he had a son? - ed).

Tyrone is stuck in a tow truck as Molly grits her teeth and thinks about strangling Sally Webster with some form of killer Kegel exercise. Kev doesn't really want anything to do with the birth of the little nipper even though he probably had a lot to do with the birth of the little nipper.

John Stape is beaming with pride as he looks forward to having a little kidnapping assistant following him around (FYI, 'Colin' is not on the short list of names - ed). And, of course,  Nick is all a-twitter at the prospect of Natasha giving birth and hasn't missed one cliche about pregnancy from food cravings to baby names (only another six trimesters to go - ed). 

I hope Norris has a good supply of new baby cards in stock at the Kabin - could be a real moneymaker.

Tony Gordon It's Friday: the alternative lifestyle edition

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 23 episode on CBC

Well, ladies and gentlemen, now that Weatherfield's finest have got their crack special alternative lifestyle investigation (SALI) unit on the job, it's only a mater of time before they track down Sian and Sophie -- probably at an Indigo Girls concert in Kent. Funny how Kev and Sally are all in knots over this while Rosie casually saunters around the house with 'pop my cherry' emblazoned on her top. Ah well. That's life at the Webster's. Let's just get on with it (about time - ed) and roll into our regular edition of Tony Gordon, It's Friday, a showcase of some the week's memorable lines. Be-have!

Rosie shares her profound philosophy with the other lucky Websters:
"If you've got it, flaunt it"
(think of it as a tarty variation on 'I think, therefore I am')


Hayley reflects on her good fortune with Fiz and Becky:
"Before I met Roy, I thought the right man was like a unicorn"
(less 'horny' than a unicorn, I would think)


Claire is getting sick of Sally Webster's insults:
"She's such a sour-faced cow, that Sally Webster"
(flattery will get you nowhere)


Becky notices that the wedding caboose has been uncoupled and left behind:
"chuffin' hell!"
(quick, all hands to the conveniently-located pump wagon!)


John raises a toast to a sweaty Becky and Fiz:
"To Stinky and Blotchy!"
(That's Ms. Stinky and Blotchy, if you don't mind)


Hayley to her husband:
"I love you Roy Cropper"
(amen)


Roy' speech at the wedding and his commitment to Hayley:
"I will remain standing beside you. That will not change"
(amen again)


Kevin gives helpful information about the runaway girls to the policewoman:
"We think they might be lesbians"
(Better call CSI Weatherfield and do some DNA testing to make sure)


Norris takes a dim view of Kylie:
"She makes Becky Mcdonald look like the Virgin Mary"
(don't you mean a Bloody Mary?)


Emily is concerned about Ken and Deirdre:
"It's not gone unnoticed that things have cooled between you two"
(Are you kidding? That's like saying the ice age was a tad brisk)

***

Well, fellow faithful Corrie denizens, that's it for another week. Will the cops find Sian and Sophie? Will Deirdre view the dishy Lawrence as an opportunity -- not a threat? Will the cops find Kylie and son? I guess we'll find out next week. Till then, thanks for stopping by and visiting Blanche's Polish Hip. Have a great weekend, enjoy the omnibus and meet me here next week for more feeble ramblings - straight from the Hip. Cheers!

Roy & Hayley: best wedding ever?

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 21 episode on CBC

It's inevitable. Every Coronation Street wedding can't help but prompt comparisons with other memorable weddings over the years. There's certainly lots to choose from and I have weighed in before on what I think are the three worst weddings of all time 

3. Deirdre Hunt & Ray Langton
2. Carla Connor & Tony Gordon
1. (tie) Mavis Riley & Derek Wilton/Vernon Tomlin & Liz Mcdonald

...not to mention my vote for the three best weddings of all time:
3. Raquel and Norman (Curly) Watts
2. Steve and Karen Mcdonald
1. Deirdre and Ken

However, after seeing Roy and Hayley's railway adventure, I have to say that this wedding now sits at the top of my top three list. Why? Well, the scenery and the steam locomotive were fabulous as were the rail cars and the joyous sight of Roy fulfilling his boyhood dream of riding shotgun. Then there was the scene of Becky and Fiz commandeering a pump wagon to get Hayley to the church on time. The location of the wedding service and the reception was magnificent (gee, I guess Mary did a pretty good job despite the sabotage). The choir was great, the songs were classy and the speeches (Roy's, Hayley's and Chesney's) were poignant, touching and heartfelt. And, just to top it all off, the newlyweds left the reception in their woody (please stop mentioning the woody - ed). What more could you possibly ask for?

Here's to Roy & Hayley

Sally Webster is derailed

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 20 episode on CBC

Well, well. It's all aboard that classic steam engine, the Lancashire Hot Pot (or something like that), for a sentimental train journey that really is the best wedding surprise one could ever give to Roy and Hailey apart from his and hers Thomas the Tank engine bathrobes.

Of course, there are more than a few clouds on the horizon (the return trip is on VIA? -ed ). Mary is clearly not a well woman or at least harbours some deep seated hostility (FYI, we call those 'issues' or 'demons'  like Norris' fear of cotton wool - ed).  Whatever her issue, Mary is definitely not asleep at the switch and that's a bit of a problem for the railroading couple.

But the other fly in the ointment is Sally Webster and her irrepressibly annoying personality. To me this is one of the most endearing qualities of Corrie. Not the fact that Sally has been through a major health scare, gone through a tumultuous and stressful period of cancer treatment and returned to her life with a full appreciation of her family, her life and her friends.  No that's completely understandable. What's brilliant is that before you can say "Our daughter went to Oakhill", she's back to her old nasty self! She hasn't learned a thing! She's back to making snarky remarks, putting on airs and graces and making herself feel important by belittling other people. This time it's Claire Peacock's turn to face the wrath of Sal. After all, Claire suffered from post partum depression and can't be trusted to look after children, can she?

But, as in most cases, Sally lives to regret her small-minded actions. As for Sophie, well I guess she's got some 'splaining to do before the train pulls into the station. All aboard!  

Tony Gordon It's Friday: The Javier Edition

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 16 episode on CBC

Dear fellow Corrie lovers, it was red alert here at Corrie Central last night as I discovered that my state-of-the-art video recording technology (i.e the $50 Coby brand VCR with the 30-hour guarantee -ed) had failed to record my beloved Corrie. To make matters worse, my backup system (a comprehensive debrief from Judy at the Tim Hortons) was also unavailable (she's gone to Laval for the weekend - ed).  However, after much Googling and unwanted spyware, I finally found the episode online. Phew! Now I can faithfully do that thing I like to call TGIF, a round-up of some of the memorable lines from the week. Here goes:


Natasha compares fake pregnancy notes with Fiz:
"Do you feel frisky?"
(well, do ya', punk?)


Emily spots a mouse in her house and is horrified:
"If there's one thing I can't stand, it's mice"
(two things if you count Norris)


Mary scolds Norris for making fun of Emily's fear of mice:
"We all have our phobias, Norris, like your aversion to cotton wool... and commitment"
(What is it with men and co.. tton wool?)


Rosie tells her family about her phonetic problems:
"I can never pronounce Pomegranate"
(well, start with an easy fruit and work your way up. Can you say 'plum'?)


Eileen is bladdered and tries to coax Owen into her house:
"Do you fancy coming in for a nightcap or do you not wear them?"
(I don't get it)


Julie confesses her fears during Hailey's hen party:
"Did I mention I'm doomed to remain childless?"
(yes, in fact, I think it's on your business card)


Hailey tells Roy about a problem with the wedding music:
"The cello player's been arrested"
(maybe someone can pull some strings?)


Kylie insults Michelle:
"Your perfume, what's it called? Past It?"
(that's Pâstit by Givenchy)


Mary rebuffs an offer to join Hailey's hen party:
"While you are dancing the night away, I shall be tucking into a veritable feast of aquatic life"
(there's goes the ocean ecosystem)


Becky is wearing a nurse's uniform and a large button which says:
"Dr Bex"
(and believe me her services are not covered by medicare)

***

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's it for another week. The low light of the week? Dev and Sunita's son in hospital with a serious injury. The highlight? Hailey doing a steamy, Latin dance with a man named Javier dressed as Zorro (the gay blade). Hope you enjoy the omnibus and thanks so much for dropping by here at Blanche's Polish Hip. All the best and have a great weekend.

Granger Danger

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 14 episode on CBC

If you thought one Granger was tough to handle, brace yourself for Becky Granger Jr (aka Kylie). We are introduced to young Kylie in a genteel scene reminiscent of a Henry James novel or perhaps the mannered protocol of Upstairs Downstairs. I'm kidding of course. Becky actually busts in on lil' sis like Jason Bourne on steroids and proceeds to trash the joint in a rage. As the two Grangers slug it out like extras from Robocop, we can't help but notice the classy digs which Kylie is inhabiting.

That doesn't last because the guy who actually owns the house has the temerity to show up (yes, he's a pilot and no, he's not one of Deirdre's ex-boyfriends).  The reason for Becky's violent house call is revenge. She wants to know why lil Kylie gave a bad recommendation to the adoption committee and scotched Becky's chance to adopt a nice little non-smoking, non-drinking child.

Anyhoo... after a couple of left hooks and some UFC choke holds, the two sisters start talking and one thing leads to another. Before you can say "lock up the booze, the hotpots and money in the till", Becky returns to the Rovers Return with a rover (what the frig are you on about? - ed).  The bottom line? Becky has brought Kylie to live with her and Steve at the pub. Well, that should go swimmingly, don't you think?

All I can say is Roy and Hayley better lock up their woody (and their car too - ed) because Kylie looks to be every bit as wild as her big sister. On the other hand, I'm sure Slug (or Slag or Slime or whatever his name is) will be rather chuffed.

Natasha Blakeman's pregnancy guide

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 13 episode on CBC

1. Be sure to buy all your maternity clothes from Victoria's Secret.

2. You may find yourself going to the washroom more often (to apply lippy)

3. The first semester is always the worst but by the 10th or 11th semester, you'll be fine.

4. Regular doctor appointments are essential even if the doctor tells you that you aren't pregnant.

5. Remember: you like Richard Branson but you hate Branston pickle.

6. If you feel knackered, it means you're frisky.

7. Only eat curry when no one's around. (you need to keep your strength up)

8. Sign up for pre-natal classes (it's like a free date with Nick) and, even better, guaranteed to annoy Gail.

9. Increased sexual activity is a must. If you get pregnant while you're supposed to be pregnant, it's like winning an accumulator bet.

10. Ultrasound is not the name of a new wave band from the late 70s.

Tony Gordon It's Friday: the pregnant edition

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 9 episode on CBC

All of a sudden, babies seem to be the hot topic on the street. Fiz is pregnant. Natasha was pregnant. Becky is with child (i.e. Steve) and Gail thinks she's losing her child (darlin' Nicky). Nothing left to do but look back on the week with another edition of TGIF (Tony Gordon, It's Friday) our regular round-up of some of the more memorable lines of the week. Allez!

John vows to change his ways after learning that Fiz is pregnant:
"I'll never lie to you again"
(That's probably a lie)


Audrey returns to the salon to find David making a mess of things:
"What have you done to Mrs. Mulligan?"
(get me 50 cc of peroxide and 120 cc of Earl Grey! stat!)


John pledges to stick with his real identity from now on:
"I am not Colin. I'm John"
(yeah, yeah, we know and I suppose the walrus was Paul)


Peter's reply after an angry Audrey tells him that his pens are too small:
"Leave my pens out of this"
(you mean you have more than one?)


Audrey accuses Peter of theft:
"You stole two haircuts. That's haircut theft"
(Call Sherlock Perms)


Natasha dismisses her doctor's warning against rushing into another pregnancy:
"I'm not mad, just desperate"
(Er, you know the two things don't have to be mutually exclusive - ask David)


Deirdre tires of Ken's pseudo-intellectual vocabulary:
"Ergo?"
(Yes, you know like that Canadian football team: the Toronto Ergonauts)


Ken rebels against the dull domesticity of married life:
"Is this our future Deirdre? TV dinner with a side order of resentment?"
(would you like fries with that?)


Leanne is teed off with Peter for hiring John Stape:
"What did he study in uni? Advanced kidnapping"
(he also majored in identity theft)


Gail tells Nick she knows from experience what Natasha is after:
"I've been around the block a few times"
(yeah, the cell block)


Ken doesn't want to argue with Deirdre:
"I'm really not in the mood for a heavy debate on fidelity"
(How about a minor tiff about the Times crossword?)


Natasha warns Leanne to stay away from Nick:
"Keep your mucky little prostitute claws off him"
(but we can still be friends, right?)

***

Well, fellow Corriephiles, that's it for another eventful week on the Street. I hope you have a great weekend. Enjoy the omnibus and remember that, as of September, CBC is promising us five hours of Corrie a week.All the best and thanks for your kind comments and for stopping by here at the Hip. Cheers.

Five hours a week

no spoilers were used in the preparation of this post

I'm sure many of you have already heard the good news but, just in case, here it is in a nutshell: CBC has announced their 2011 fall TV schedule and it includes five hours of Coronation Street each week. Not since the halcyon days of the unfortunate CBC lockout (Was that when Peter Mansbridge grew his Zach Galifianakis beard? - ed), have faithful Corrie watchers been rewarded with such a cornucopia of viewing delights (get on with it! -ed).

As far as I can tell, the fall schedule will see Coronation Street run each week night from 6.30pm to 7.30pm followed by Jeopardy ("I'll take Terry Duckworth scams for $400, Alex"). On weekends, the omnibus edition is scheduled to run on Sundays from 7.30am until 12 noon. You better shut the door, pull down the window shades and put the kettle on -- because it doesn't get any better than this.

Please note that all times are Eastern so please check local listings for correct info in your viewing area. Why the change? I don't know but the CBC website says: "On weekdays, there will be a treat for Coronation Street fans — with CBC committing to double episodes of the long-running British soap opera beginning in September.The double episodes will allow the Canadian show to catch up with the Coronation Street story as it airs in Britain."

Only in Canada you say?

***

Kudos to John and colleagues at the delightful Corrie Canuck for sharing the good news yesterday.

David Platt's Beauty Salon

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 8 episode on CBC

Welcome 

to

Audrey's Salon David Platt's House of Beauty & Hair Stylin' !

Just because Audrey may be headed to that Greek island (what's it? Myxomatosis or summit like that?), doesn't mean you can't look like Afrodite or Zoos. That's right, Audrey's Salon is under new management and things are changing. Stop by soon and check out David Platt's House of Beauty and Hair Stylin'  We've got the style you want today... at the price you want to pay!

Just look at what we offer!

- free haircuts for anyone ripped off by Gran's gigolo boyfriend
- wait times now down to 45 minutes
- blue hair brigade points program (earn valuable prizes with every botched perm)
- complimentary tea and coffee (Hobnobs extra)
- 'mystery' rinse (ask Mrs. Mulligan)
- blow drying extra (or just stick your head in the oven for a couple of minutes when you get home)
- choice of elite Weatherfield stylists: murderer's ex-girlfriend, scumbag's ex-girlfriend or psycho-boy
- soothing background music of baby crying
- half-price haircuts (band-aids extra)
- state-of-the-art hair styling equipment including scissors and combs
- hair on floor swept up once a day (and shipped to Underworld to make novelty knickers)
- New dynamic manager (recent graduate of the Edward Scissorhands Academy of Hair Styling at juvy)
- The David Platt guarantee: "if we shave your head by accident, the haircut's free"
- a free pet haircut with every human haircut by our kennel specialist and former dog groomer, Maria Sutherland
- free shuttle service to the canal (one way only, life jacket not included)

 What are you waiting for? Drop by today, but hurry, these fabulous perks and prices may not last long!

Nick Tilsley: Hunk or Skunk?

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 6 episode on CBC

On many occasions, I have decried the SHS or Serious Hunk Shortage on Coronation Street so I was prepared to take a 'wait and see' approach when Nick Tilsley (Version 2.0) showed up again in Weatherfield. After all, he seemed to have some dosh, a flash car, a rugged face and that 'almost unshaven look'. Plus he had plans. Big plans. He waltzed into Underworld and made Carla an offer...that she could refuse. (that's not how they do it in the MBA program - ed).

But eventually he wangled his way into a partnership thanks to poor Kelly Crabtree's computer industrial espionage ("I don't do Windows"). So what's the problem?

Well, Corrie comrades, the problem is that Nick is becoming less attractive by the second. Oh, sure, there were some clues along the way. First, he tossed poor Kelly Crabtree aside like a day-old barm cake. Then he... wait for it... moves in with his Mom (Gail Force). Then he is too busy to really get involved in his Mom's murder trial. And, when he does, he does it by stealing a few thousand quid from his boss and paying off a Polish witness to lie in court (she takes the money and runs). Then he takes up with Natasha and borrows money from her to re-start the factory after the fire. But, after a consultation with noted relationship expert Gail Platt, he decides to bin Natasha and play seducto-boy with his ex, Leanne.


Just how bad is Nick? This bad: he actually makes David Platt look good. There, I said it. As for the hunk shortage, well it looks like we're down to just a few good men... and I'm afraid Norris might be one of them.

***

If you're looking for a unique Coronation Street website, look no further than DEBORAH'S CORONATION STREET FAN PAGE

Deborah is undoubtedly Canada's #1 fan (she won a contest) and has an incredible array of photos, stories, memorabilia and other Corrie stuff on her site. I invite you to take a peek.

Tony Gordon It's Friday: the Manchester tart edition

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 2 episode on CBC

Well, fellow Corrie watchers, it's a sorry state of affairs when you can't even depend on a gigolo to be faithful. And what have we got to show for it all? Audrey's crying. Deirdre's crying (and smoking). Natasha's crying.The only person who's sort of smiling is Lewis... all the way to Barbabos. The moral of the story? Men! More specifically, Corrie men! What on earth is wrong with them? Well, I can't answer that question but I can round up some of the memorable lines of the week right here on TGIF, our weekly feature for your reading enjoyment. Off we go!

Ciaran gives Audrey lessons about running a bar in preparation for her Greek odyssey:
"I'll teach you how to make a dirty Martini"
(at the Rovers, all Martinis are dirty)


Gail tells Audrey that David is the best choice for manager of the salon:
"He can be very dynamic when he puts his mind to it"
(just look at the way he drove his car into the canal and pushed me down the stairs)


Peter watches the CCTV tape and is aghast at seeing Lewis left alone in the shop:
"Alone in the bookies, Springtime for Hitler"
(so that means Audrey is Eva Braun?)


Ken watches Deirdre's long lip-lock with Lewis on the DVD:
"It was From here to Eternity - without the beach"
(although Deirdre's bookie career is definitely washed up)


Peter tells Deirdre her employment is terminated:
"You're fired!"
(Donald Trump, move over)


Claudia summarizes Lewis' behaviour:
"The man could flirt with a lamp post"
(... only if the lamp post has enough money and likes the Greek islands)


Claudia again:
"Once a gigolo, always a gigolo"
(Lewis' motto is: semper infidelis)


Deirdre, after getting a Manchester tart in the face from Gail:
"Ken! Do something!"
(yes, Ken, run over to Dev's and buy some flour and eggs, then go home and whip up some Manchester tarts, bung them in the oven, take them out, let them cool and bring them over here, then plant one right in Gail's smug mug. Should take about two hours)


Deirdre thinks Ken regrets his decision not to sail away with Martha:
"You were wishing you were on the Norfolk broads this afternoon, weren't you?"
(Ken may know a lot of women in Norfolk but I don't think he's thinking about sex right now...)


Broken hearted Natasha diagnoses her romantic crisis with Leanne:
"You know Nick's problem, don't you? He's a metrosexual"
(you mean retrosexual, surely?)


The sad message on the back of a photo of Audrey and Lewis in Greece, left behind by the gigolo:
"I tried"
(... to earn more frequent flyer points by flying to Barbados)

***

Well, ladies and gentlemen, another week on the Street and we really can't complain. There was drama, romance, heartbreak, deception, theft, a hot DVD, a faulty remote control, a Manchester tart in the face and even a mini-catfight. What on earth will they do for an encore?  Thanks for visiting and thanks also for the kind comments and astute observations. Much appreciated. Have a great weekend, enjoy the omnibus and I'll see you here next week at the Hip. Cheers!

Deirdre Barlow has some explainin' to do

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 2 episode on CBC

Oh my goodness! Deirdre Barlow has been caught red-handed (and red lipped! - ed) in the bookie shop on Peter's CCTV tape in a.. ahem.. 'compromising position' with Lewis. How is she possibly going to explain this?  She better think of an excuse... and fast. Here are some helpful suggestions:

"It was an accident. I tripped as I was coming in the door and his lips broke my fall."

or...
"It's a legitimate part of an accumulator bet. The winner gets a big juicy kiss on the lips. Look it up in the bookie's manual if you don't believe me, Peter."

or...
"It was Lewis' way of thanking me for finding a corkscrew (I guess he must be a passionate oenophile!). Yes, Ken, I said oenophile."

or...
"I had no choice. Lewis was threatening to sabotage the article which Ken's writing for the local paper ('a comprehensive history of Weatherfield sewers')"

or...
"Audrey asked me fill in for her while she gets her head examined for making David the manager of the Salon."

or...
"Lewis told me he's an amateur thespian with a boat on the canal... the irony was just too irresistible."

Rosie Webster explains an accumulator bet

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the May 31 episode on CBC

It seems that ol' Lewis has struck it rich by making a shrewd accumulator bet on the horses (and seducing Deirdre Barlow with a tantalizing lip lock). Now poor Leanne has to cough up £4,000 to the charming con artist. But what exactly is an accumulator bet? Here to help us with her third in a series of edukational articles is Rosie Webster. As you may recall, Rosie has already imparted her unique wisdom on topics ranging from how to wash a car to classical music. She's kindly taken time off from her gruelling schedule of vodka shots and thong shopping to share her expertise with us:

What's an accumulator bet?

Duh! An accumulator or parlay bet is a single bet which is linked on a number of other wagers, and the outcome is dependent on all the wagers winning. I don't know what all those boring words mean but Sophie and Sian found it on the Internet (what is it with those two anyway?)..

What's the big attraction?

Duh, again! Obviously, losers (with a capital 'L') can go to that grotty bookie shop and bet like a quid or something with the hopes of striking it rich (like I did when that perv Stape gave me all that money for being kidnapped). However like it's really, really hard to win. The chances of winning are about as good as me wearing a pantsuit. Boring!

How does it work?

Look, I can't stop here all day answering questions. I have to get dressed (well, undressed really) for work. But it's like a series of really, really unlikely events happening. Like, say for example, that you bet on me going out with that lowlife Graeme Proctor. That's really unlikely right? Well, now multiply something like that by five times, and if by some freaky chance you're right, you'd like win a million pounds or something.

Any last words?

Whatever! I am so out of here.