The idiot's guide to faking your own death

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Nov 29 episode on CBC

Thank you for purchasing the Idiot's Guide to faking your own death, an easy step-by-step guide to pretending that you've snuffed it... and profiting afterward.

Chapter 1
Why fake your own death? 
Some of the most compelling reasons to falsify your demise are: financial gain, escaping physical threats, intimidation & retribution & avoiding David Platt

Chapter 2
How do I fake my own death?
Research and planning is the key to a successful fake death. Learn how to ensure that the suspicious circumstances surrounding your pseudo-death are consistent with your own interests. If you're sailor, take a long, one-way cruise on a deep lake (more than 200 feet).

Chapter 3
Don't forget the life insurance policy! 
You can profit from a fake death only if you remember to buy an unnecessarily expensive life insurance policy with no exclusions. Remember to check the box regarding 'unfortunate self-induced fatal accident coverage'. You may have to wait up to seven years for a payout so don't hesitate to borrow money from Rick to tide you over.

Chapter 4
Choosing your post-death hideaway. 
Ireland is the location of choice for most people who fake their deaths. Many small Irish villages boast entire communities of death-fakers. You'll fit right in.

Timely Tip: Take some spare change so you can use a local public phone booth to call your loved ones.

Order now from Amazon.com! Order now and you'll receive a free copy of the Lake District's Most Dangerous Lakes.

***

Just wanted to thank you for your comments. Even though, I am a repeat offender, I apologize heartily for the continued and unbridled use of puns and, like Peter Barlow, I pledge to go on the wagon. And thanks also for telling me about the Coronation Street novel. Kismet indeed.

Tony Gordon, It's Friday - hardhat party edition

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Nov 25 episode on CBC

I think the theme for this week on the Street can be summarized by the word: 'legless'. Why? Well, there was the impromptu gals' night out with Carla, Deirdre & Leanne. There was the hardhat party with Peter falling off the wagon. There was the return of Ciaran. And, last but not least, the way Joe's going, he could also wind up 'legless', or at least 'leg challenged' due to his debts with a loan shark. Now, onward to this week's edition of TGIF (Tony Gordon, It's Friday), a weekly roundup of some memorable lines. Let's get at it:


Becky is somewhat skeptical of Mrs. Peacock's procreation advice:
"No disrespect, Claire, but you've just made Ashley have a snip"
(that's why he walks like John Wayne)


The Weatherfield Gazette reporter says the bar for newsworthy stories is rather low:
"The mayor’s new teeth were page one last night."
(...and there was even a commemorative 'plaque')


Peter explains the extent of his alcohol problem to Ciaran:
"Me Cornflakes were fifty percent proof"
(It's like having a bowlful and a skinful at the same time)


Becky tells Steve about the circumstances of her birth:
"I was conceived in a stairwell"
(that was the first step...)


Kelly tries to determine Trevor's sexual orientation in a discreet way:
"We don’t want to be heterosexist"
(but we do want to be heterosexy...)


Betty Turpin is adamant about her prestigious longevity title:
"I am officially the oldest barmaid in this town." 
(ladies and gentlemen, let the carbon dating begin...)


Roy muses on other anniversaries besides Betty's:
"Of course it’s 90 years ago that the Royal Canadian Mounted Police were founded"
(Canadian content, eh)


Liz offers some timely advice to Becky:
"If you get a craving, suck a pencil. It worked for me when I were  trying to give up"
(Are you talking about men, booze or smoking?)


Deirdre questions Ken's high-minded principles:
"What’s the view like from that high horse?"
(Pretty good, he can see the Red Rec)


Steve is alarmed by news that a bad hotpot might have been served to a 91-year old:
"You mean we might have poisoned the oldest barmaid in Manchester?"
(now that's what I call food for thought)

***

Well, that's it for the week. Have a great weekend and remember that even the best hotpot always has a little gristle (at least, that's what Betty says). Enjoy the Sunday omnibus, thanks for the comments and I'll see you back here next week. Cheers!

Senior cat fight ?

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Nov 24th episode on CBC

WEATHERFIELD BARMAID'S BIRTHDAY ALMOST 

DEGENERATES INTO WORLD'S OLDEST CAT FIGHT

91 year-old returns to Rovers to challenge 90 year-old's record

by

Corrie Heart, special alcohol correspondent, Weatherfield Gazette

Rovers Return - A joyous celebration of Manchester's oldest barmaid almost erupted into a nasty cat fight yesterday as a 91 year-old interloper interrupted birthday festivities at the Rovers Return pub to stake her claim to the prestigious drink-serving title.

Nursing a milk stout for a record 2 hours and 15 minutes, a veteran barmaid from the Parsons Arms, known only as 'Enid', claimed the title of oldest barmaid and produced her birth certificate to prove the point. The stunning revelation came in the midst of birthday celebrations for Betty Turpin (not Liz Macdonald as previously reported), celebrating her 90th birthday and generally believed to be the oldest barmaid in the Greater Manchester region.

"I’m 91, so put that in your pipe and smoke it.," asserted Enid to the surprised throng of well-wishers assembled at the legendary, back street drinking establishment. When the claim was refuted by Ms. Turpin, Enid added,  "The last person who spoke to me like that got a slap for her trouble. And you're going the same way."

"Lay one finger on me and I won’t be responsible for my actions," replied Ms. Turpin. The two veteran barmaids, whose total age adds up to a whopping 181 years of lager-serving service to punters, almost came to blows as the dispute escalated and threatened to develop into yet another Rovers' cat fight.

The two were separated by onlookers but not before Enid sampled the pub's signature dish, Betty's Hotpot, which she pronounced to be infested with "elbow-sized" gristle.

Happy Birthday, Betty Turpin

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Nov 22 episode on CBC

WEATHERFIELD LEGEND CELEBRATES  90 YEARS, PULLS HISTORIC PINTS

by

Corrie Heart, special alcohol correspondent, Weatherfield Gazette

Rovers Return - Four score and ten years ago, Elizabeth Macdonald was born. No, hang on a minute, I mean Elizabeth Turpin. The rest, as they say, is history. Pint-pulling legend, Betty Turpin, has been serving the punters of Weatherfield for many decades, the longest-serving barmaid in Manchester according to the Guinness Book of Records (no, not that Guinness, the other one which makes the dry stout). Her first recorded lager was served in 1969.

That's one small skinful for man, one giant bladder full for mankind.

"I don't want a fuss made about my birthday," said Ms. Turpin, on duty as usual at the Rovers, "at my age, you ignore all birthdays. keeps you young."

Ms. Turpin recalls her tenure at the Rovers which included many regimes from 'Queen' Annie Walker to 'Leopard skin' Bet Lynch. Her serving of alcoholic beverages has remained constant, her duty to booze unflappable - even during the Blitz.

"Well, the electricity was off so we couldn't tell whether the glasses were clean or not, but we served 'em anyway," she says. "...just like today."

Rovers' regulars share an unabashed pride and affection for Ms. Turpin and her living lager legacy.

"My yes, she's a fine bit of talent," said Ciaran McCarthy, who claims he's a Rovers' regular. "I'll be pursuing that one, so I will. If I’m not back in thirty minutes, make your own plans. Wait? You're talking about Michelle, right?"

Along with the mayor's new teeth, this story of lager longevity is sure to captivate punters and readers alike. This vivid history of catfights, regular fights, dart competitions, skiving, hen parties and extreme drunkeness is a testament to pub history to which Ms. Turpin has been a personal witness.

"Some things never change behind the bar, you know," says Betty. "But never a dull moment."

Tony Gordon, it's Friday - The enhanced edition

Maybe I'm not the fullest bin in the gunnel, but some things I just don't understand. Who exactly is Alfie (Rosie's patron)? What else will Rosie be promoting besides nuts and drain cleaning products? Why is Bill Webster so obsessed with parking and traffic?  How many cans of cider does Becky have in her bin bag?  Ah well, no point in mithering. let's just move on to TGIF or 'Tony Gordon, it's Friday', a weekly assortment of memorable lines from the week. Off we go:

Joe McIntyre berates Gail and her track record with men:
"That doorway should have a sign over it. Fellas, abandon hope all ye who enter."
(hmm, I don't  know, I prefer something like 'Gailhouse rock' or 'the Platteau')


Michelle sees Steve coming into the pub with his motorcycle leathers on:
"Oh, look out, here comes weevil knievel"
(aka 'the queasy rider')


Sophie tries to summarize Rosie's reason for breast enhancement:
"So, really what you want is to be leered at by a load of sad pervs?"
(not a load, just the most handsome. Duh?)


Kelly Crabtree admits to Steve that she's had enough to drink:
"I think if I drink owt more, I’m gonna throw up in your helmet"
(hopefully while Steve's still wearing it...)


Michelle is obliged to defend Rosie's good name:
"She might be a brainless slapper, but that’s Kevin’s daughter you're talking about"
(er...thanks for the good word, I think...)


Tyrone is brutally honest about the personal possibilities of cosmetic surgery:
"Maybe a bit of liposuction on me man boobs"
(Oh my, I think I may need Steve's helmet after Kelly's finished...)


Ashley is proud to boast about his choice cuts of meat:
"I've got some lovely rump"
(Funny, Claire doesn't seem to have noticed)

***

Well, that's it for another week. Have a great weekend and enjoy the Sunday omnibus episodes. Thanks for stopping and tolerating all the bad puns. (I know that you suffer for my art). Rest assured, I appreciate the fortitude and the comments. Cheers and see you next week at BPH.

Legs, Breasts & Brains

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Nov 16 episode on CBC

I'm sorry fellow Corrie fans but I can't get myself interested in the latest spat between Steve and Becky. Don't get me wrong. When their romance started, I thought it had a certain spark and I was looking forward to a tempestuous and stormy relationship. Unfortunately, as Woody Allen once said, a relationship is like a shark. It has to keep moving forward to survive and what we have here is... a dead shark.(sounds fishy - ed).

With that in mind, let's review the current issues on the Street:

Legs I.
Specifically, Kelly's legs, and their role in making Steve's motorcycle look good and making Becky mad and then sad.

Legs II
Specifically, Joe's and the impending threat of breakage, courtesy of Rick, your local loan shark (sounds fishy again -ed)

Breasts
Sally is recovering after surgery while Rosie is augmenting through surgery and it's all driving Kevin 'nuts' (please don't mention nuts around Kevin - ed)

Brains
Looks like Simon is one smart little cookie according to his teachers. Thanks goodness for one uplifting piece of news and congratulations to the proud parents (you mean the former alcoholic/bigamist & escort/arsonist? - ed).

Dante, Tutankhamun & Joe McIntyre

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Nov 8 episode on CBC

Well, well, it's a veritable Wikipedia of vitriol coming from Joe "can I get some money up front?" McIntyre as he sees his chances of monetizing Gail's house slip away. Make no mistake, Joey is desperate. His friendly neighbourhood loan shark is getting impatient and that means trouble.

How much does Joe owe? (let's shorten that to Jowe - ed) I dunno. Like a drunk at the Rovers, the bar keeps moving. He already put the touch on Gail's dad for £4,000. Now Signor Rick is saying he owes more. How much more? We don't really know. You see Rick is not like Visa or Mastercard (except for outrageous interest rates, outlandish terms and conditions and unreadable contractual fine print - ed). There are no bills, no statements and no airmiles (just a free trip to the gunnel - ed).

When Joe tries to speed up the sale of Gail's house (at a stiff discount from a property vulture), Gail finally loses it. Joe knows it's over so he lets loose with a variety of colourful literary and archeological references.

He compares Gail to the curse of Tutankhamun (same hair style? - ed). This curse first appeared when a certain Lord Carnarvon died in 1923, just seven weeks after the official opening of pharaoh Tutankhamun's burial chamber. Crazy? Yes, but I wouldn't discount it entirely especially when you consider that Gail is David Platt's 'mummy'.  Coincidence? I think not.

Joe also says that there should be an inscription over the entrance to Gail's house: abandon hope all ye who enter here. This is the supposed inscription at the entrance to Hell from Dante's Divine Comedy. That's a little harsh. (although it could be true for customers walking into Audrey's hair salon - ed). Either way, it looks like Joe is out of options and Gail's marriage is out of gas.

Tony Gordon, It's Friday - Nov 12

-
Have you ever noticed that Corrie characters, despite heavy drinking and killer hangovers, never seem to keep a full bottle of pain relievers in their homes?  Invariably, they stumble into Dev's Corner Shop and say: "Do you have any paracetamols?"  Then they walk around with massive headaches until the Rovers opens at lunchtime and history repeats itself... Anyhoo, enough yakking from me (Here here! - ed). Let's get to some of the memorable lines of the week in an award-winning feature I like to call 'Tony Gordon, It's Friday' or TGIF. Here goes:

After burning cakes, Rosie admits to Sophie that she's no chef:
"My talents don’t lie in the kitchen"
(hmm... in which room do they lie?)


Betty Turpin voices her opinion on Jack's philosophy of women:
"What you just said is the biggest load of codswallop I've ever heard in my life"
(and that's almost nine decades!)


More wisdom from the legendary Jack Duckworth:
"Widows, nuns, lesbians, steer well clear of 'em."
(sounds like codswallop, the sequel...)


Prospective home-buyer, Mr. Burrows, sizes up Gail's house:
"It’s a good-sized house, bigger on the inside then you'd think."
(...kind of like the TARDIS on Dr. Who)


Kelly Crabtree assesses an offer from Steve, Lloyd & Teresa:
"You want me, a lovely available young lady with legs to die for, to join you middle-aged saddos in a free booze fest?"
(sounds like an offer she can't refuse)


Teresa expresses her interest in imbibing alcohol:
"I’m in the mood to get well bladdered"
(not really a news flash, let us know if you're ever not in the mood)


Rosie thinks about selling her car to pay for a breast augmentation procedure:
"I cannot wait to tell John Stape that he’s paying for my new boobs."
(good idea! Best to keep him abreast of developments)


Dev's takes offence at Tyrone's accusations regarding Dev & Molly:
"I’m a family man"
(Yes, just ask Nina and Tara.. and Prem).

***

Well, that wraps up another week on the Street dominated by the sad news that Molly and Tyrone are splitting up. Hopefully, Ty will get over Molly after a while and find happiness with someone else. Have a great weekend and thanks for stopping by. Enjoy Sunday's omnibus and see you here next week for more of Blanche's Polish Hip. Cheers!

Desire Solutions & Rosie Webster

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Nov 10 episode on CBC

Aha! Looks like Rosie Webster got a letter regarding her breast augmentation. I wonder what it says...

Desire Solutions Inc.
221 Cleavage Terrace
Manchester 362436

Dear Ms Webster,

Thank you for your recent inquiry regarding the cosmetic beauty services offered by Desire Solutions. We are delighted to welcome you among our many customers who have benefited from enhancement. We, at Desire Solutions, have been pioneers in the medical field known as buxomology for many years (our experts worked with Elsie Tanner many years ago).

We encourage all our clients to make an informed decision when choosing Desire Solutions. In that respect, we are pleased to respond to your questions.

First, a technical note, The surgical procedure is actually called mammaplasty and not mammamiaplasty, as your sister Sophie wrongly informed you. Furthermore, the augmentation has nothing whatsoever to do with the 70s Swedish supergroup, ABBA. Nor is there any possibility of you looking like Benny or Bjorn after the procedure is completed.

Second, the consultation is conducted by a qualified surgeon. Please be assured that at no time during the consultation will your breasts be "ogled by some perv off the street" as you so eloquently put it.

Third, for your information, breast implants are either made from saline or silicone gel. Once again, your sister, Sophie, provided erroneous information when she told you that the implants were "made mostly from old chip buttys and the like".

Lastly, while we at Desire Solutions strive for complete customer satisfaction, we cannot guarantee that the augmentation procedure will be your "ticket out of this dump". We can however assure you that the result will enhance your physique inside - or outside - of the "dump".

Thank you again for your interest in Desire Solutions. If you have any further questions, please don't hesitate to contact one of our trained consultants.

Sincerely,

Steve & Becky; Tyrone & Molly

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Nov 9 episode on CBC

Two relationships are in the spotlight and they couldn't be more different.

At one end of the Street, Molly is pulling the plug on her marriage to Tyrone. After only a year of blissful marriage (nine months if you exclude the horizontal jogging with Kevin - ed), the couple is history. Truth be told, their happiest days were long gone: a shared love of dogs, restoring an old mobile burger van and sharing the old rec-tory (Number 9 Coronation Street) with Jack & Vera. Oh, I know, some will say that their wedding didn't bode well just because Tyrone was in handcuffs, then fainted and then had his honeymoon airline tickets stolen by his Mum (Jackie Dobbs, skiver and jailbird extraordinaire). Still, the break-up scenes were heartbreaking and it was sad to see the couple part ways.

At the other end of the Street, we move from the sublime to the ridiculous. Steve and Becky are having a disagreement about kids which has, in true Steve-o fashion, escalated into a childish tantrum display. To the punters at the Rovers, it must seem like the panto is still going on (oh no, it isn't -ed). Steve is buying new golf clubs, getting bladdered with Kelly ('I've got legs, dammit') Crabtree and proclaiming that he and Becky are 'separated' . This reminds me of their 'funnymoon', a faux honeymoon. However, this time it's a kind of 'funny separation'  (funeration? - ed). Please stop the madness. Think of Amy (who's Amy? -ed). Any more of this bickering and her verbalization development skills could be severely affected (too late - ed).

Gail 's Gorgeous Weatherfield home

FOR SALE

Modern, bright open-plan house in trendy Weatherfield

Gorgeous little fixer-upper located literally within a stone's throw from downtown (and believe me, many yobs have verified this). This area is an up-and-coming yuppie neighbourhood with a pub, garage, factory, corner shop and butcher -- all within handy walking distance (or, in the case of the pub, 'crawling distance' when you're bladdered).  Need more alcohol?  A new wine bar is under development in nearby 'Viaduct Village', a welcoming hotspot to be operated by a former alcoholic and an ex- prostitute/arsonist. Think of it as 'Cheers' - only much, much hotter and with flames.

Yes, it's a family-orientated place for quiet, peaceful urban life with just a hint of aggro. Inside this fabulous Coronation Street house, you'll find quality construction, a twice-renovated kitchen and a magnificent plywood staircase (watch out for the top step though, you could fall). Built in 1990, the home has had one owner (and several husbands, although not all were serial killers). 

The nearby 'garment district' adds a touch of whimsy to the area, especially when all the factory workers throw a sickie, or the former owner tries to kill someone. Neighbours? Quiet professionals (ex-con, skiver) and a well-educated, ex-kidnapper with a talent for amateur theatrical productions... and serving time.

yes, this house is a true 'handyman special' (just ask Bill Webster) and won't last long on the market. Please call Hewitt & Glastonbury for an appointment or pop round for a viewing (whenever David's not at home).

***

BTW, thanks for the nice reader comment and welcome to Blanche's Polish Hip... enjoy tonight's episode.

TGIF - Mary Taylor of Spain edition

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Nov 4 episode on CBC

From Andalusia (thhhia, surely? - ed) to X-rated bus stops, it's been quite a week on the Street, albeit a sombre time for the Webster family as Sally undergoes surgery. Still, there is an abundance of good stuff for this week's edition of 'Tony Gordon, It's Friday' or TGIF, your one-stop source of memorable lines. Let's get this party started:

Molly makes this solemn commitment on the first anniversary of her marriage to Ty:
"I will be a good and loving wife for the whole year to come"
(..but after a year, all bets are off)


Rosie outlines her plans for the future:
"These breasts and this brain is my passport out of this dump"
(as I say, two out of three ain't bad)


Molly makes a tasty curry for Ty as an anniversary treat:
"I just don’t wanna get Rogan Josh on me frock"
(...well, then, make sure you stay away from him)


Mary reluctantly agrees to postpone her Spanish meal
"Well, I suppose I could save my manchego and chorizo for another time"
(I find that a cold shower helps)


Mary explains her choice of beverage at the Rovers:
"I chose it for its low alcohol content"
(are you talking about Norris or the Shandy?)


Norris notices that Mary goes a little cuckoo over the correct pronunciation of Andalusia:
"for a second there, you looked like Hannibal Lecter"
(hmm, I wonder if she serves fava beans in the camper van...)


Apparently, Mary had a torrid, relationship with a lemon grower:
"The lesions from the love bites have only just cleared up" 
(yikes! I guess Spanish really is the loving tongue... and teeth)


Sean pretends he doesn't know where Jesse's Smith and Wessons are:
"Guns don’t make people laugh, Jesse. People make people laugh"
(...but if things don't go well, guns can help)


Kelly has difficulty pronouncing the f-word:
"It’s not fur"
(It's not fair either)

***

Well, that's it for the week. It's been quite a few days on the Street and there were many, many good lines -- too many in fact given Rosie's nude photo, the return of Mary and the kid's birthday party at Dev's place. Have a great weekend and I will meet you back here at Blanche's Polish Hip next week. Thanks for stopping by and all the best!

Hire a Hiyalowa

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Nov 3 episode on CBC

Looks like Jesse is dissatisfied with his current Hiyalowa. That can only mean one thing: a new job posting at the Weatherfield Job Centre:

POSITION AVAILABLE

Now Hiring a Hiyalowa

Professional children's entertainer/electrician seeks ambitious, energetic self-starter for high level theatrical productions... for 6-12 year olds. The successful candidate will perform sensitive, non-stereotypical depictions of a young native American woman struggling to come to terms with a changing American society and the manful, comedic sensibilities of the show's star, General Custard™. General Custard is widely regarded as the finest children's entertainer in the Northwest (excluding Andrew Lloyd Webber, of course) 

Candidates must posess:
- impeccable comedic timing and ability to say things like: "Oh yes, he does" and "Oh no, he doesn't"
- demonstrated skill with a bow and arrow (diploma preferred)
- ability to convince Eileen that General Custard and Hiyalowa are not romantically linked
- a love of parrots 
- an ability to keep track of General Custard's Smith and Wessons (and his guns too)

Duties:
- extensive travel is required (but mostly around the vicinity of Rovers)
- working with children and electricians and occasionally birds
- dressing in stereotypical native American garb and occasionally keeping on the costume for rehearsals and other role play activities as specified by the General (ask Julie Carp for details)
- sharing a drink with General Custard in the Rovers after performances
- meeting Jesse's parents

Interested applicants (except David Platt, Joe McIntyre & Kirk Sutherland) should ask for application 7324516-B at the Weatherfield Job Centre main desk

*Please note that General Custard is an equal opportunity employer and particularly welcomes applications  from women -- although he does want to fire his current gay Hiyalowa

Two modes of Dev Alahan

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Nov 2 episode on CBC

Have you noticed that Dev only really has two moods? (legover and non-legover? - ed). Actually, they're not so much moods as 'modes'. Let me explain (I was afraid of that - ed).

Mode 1: Mellow Dev
First, there's what I call 'Mellow Dev'. This is when Dev is very relaxed, very smiley and usually acting a little, how you say, 'goofy'.

For example, when Sunita pops into the corner shop in a tizzy because she has no place to have the twins' birthday party, Dev is annoyingly 'chill', with that irritating 'go with the flow' mood of his. In this mode, having a kids party at his flat is no problem. Making a mess of his nice bach pad? No problem. Goodie bags? No problem. And so on. It's the same when he challenges Steve to a game of golf. All of a sudden he's Mr. Smooth, making wisecracks and acting funny.

And, of course, 'Mellow Dev' is the Dev who charms the ladies -- until the ladies (like Bernie) see through him and discover his unfortunate habit of... um.. being 'economical' with the truth (see also: Tara, Nina, Sunita etc etc - ed),

But Dev also has another side, a mode which we know only too well. I call it...

Mode 2: Angry Dev
This mode is almost as annoying as 'Mellow Dev' (but not quite). Angry Dev emerges when things don't go his way. Like, for example, when he finds out that Sunita is seeing another man (the manly Matt). That leads to classic lines like this one: "because I care about my kids, I will get angry and I won’t be, uh, be civilized and I won’t be reasonable, all right?" 

It's the same story when Dev gets wound up by Amber or Umed or anyone for that matter.  In an instant, he switches from 'Mellow Dev' into 'Angry Dev' and becomes a blowhard, a mad dervish of hot air and bile - which, inevitably, he regrets later over a morose drink at the Rovers.

Although he's in 'Mellow Dev' mode right now, I can almost guarantee that 'Angry Dev' is just around the corner, probably ready to explode before, during or after his kids' birthday party. General Custard better put on a damn good show...

The bus stop bust top of Rosie Webster

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Nov 1 episode on CBC

I'm sure this line will be repeated in TGIF on Friday but it's impossible to resist. Take it away Rosie: "These breasts and this brain is my passport out of this dump" (well, two out of three isn't bad - ed).

Just when you think things can't get any worse for the Websters, Rosie finds new ways to humiliate herself and her family. This time, she's become a pin-up girl on bus stops all over Manchester, proudly displaying her 'bounty' with a great big pair of hands 'photo-shopped' over her 'assets'.. you get the idea.

Why, Rosie, why?

Apparently she thought she was doing a photo shoot for a high end perfume (Channel 5 by Alvin Klein? - ed). Seems there was a slight misunderstanding, Turns out the photos are being used in ads to promote a cleaning product for drains (you know, the same place where all that private school education money went - ed).  And, instead of a timeless, sexy slogan like: "Between love and madness lies Obsession" (for Calvin Kelin's 'Obsession'), Rosie's ad says: "Sump, an extra pair of hands around the house."   Could be worse, I suppose. Could be: "Premium Plungers: busting through your clogged drain" or "Weatherfield Septic Tanks: put your arms around our waste" or... (that's enough - ed).


Well, this is bad. Kev's gone off his head. Sally, trying to deal with her own health issues, is distraught. But wait, maybe it's not so bad. Perhaps Rosie could work her way up to a better class of product placement, like I dunno, household cleansers or Shamwows. But before you can say 'damage control', she drops a bombshell. She wants to have a boob job! (hey, at least she wants a job - ed).

Kev's livid. Sally's crying. I'm speechless.