windasstute

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Sept 29 episode on CBC

I might as well get this out in the open (you're attracted to Graeme in drag? - ed). Here goes: the Windasses are starting to grow on me (I think there's a lotion you can buy for that - ed). Not necessarily Uncle Len whom I haven't actually seen in quite a while, nor Eddie who is, let's face it, a type 'A' skiver and amateur scammer.

I'm more interested in Anna and Gary. Gary, in particular, seems to be much more attractive than virtually any other young adult on the Street. Yes, he's a chancer with a temper, a bad boy who's already been inside and is now set on signing up for military service. But he is also bright, conflicted and quite articulate. I don't think I've ever heard anyone on Coronation Street sum up the plight of young working class men so astutely. Here's what he has to say about the future awaiting him and most of his peers:

"Half the lads I was at school with ain’t got jobs. Them that have, hate ‘em and you know what they do? They get off their heads every chance they get. If I stay around here, I'll just be like them....I've been to prison. I've got no qualifications. The army will give me a chance. Yeah, it’s risky but what’s left for me?"

On the other side of the coin, Anna is just as eloquent as a Mum who doesn't want to see her son sent to fight in some far away war and possibly die:

"Kill people, get yourself killed? I'd rather you were on the dole...Gary, they want you to fight, that’s the only trade they want you to learn."

I think this conflict is really tempering the Windass legacy, transforming them from skiving caricatures to real people and, as I say, I'm starting to like them. In fact, I'm almost wishing that Gary changes his mind and stays on the Street. Whatever his faults and failings, he and Anna make a nice change from the endless trials and tribulations of Gail and David Platt.

Ken's Claus

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Sept 28 episode on CBC

Well, we finally got to see Ken doing his 'Santa Shtick' but I'm disappointed that Blanche didn't get to walk in on his act before his contract was er... terminated (according to terms specified in the santa clause - ed). Nevertheless, I can only imagine that Ken, being Ken, would have used the opportunity to enlighten the little tykes vis a vis his social and economic philosophy. Perhaps it went something like this:

Ken: Hello little boy, what's your name?
Ethan: Ethan
Ken: Well, Ethan, what would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?
Ethan: Lots of things. I made a list and sent it to you.
Ken: Well, did you now? But you know, Ethan, Christmas is more than just material possessions. You see, Ethan, we live.in a capitalist society where an elite (and, yes, some of them are bald and named George) control the economy and exploit the workers.
Ethan: You mean the proletariat.
Ken: Exactly! Now, capitalism is by definition exploitative, specifically in the way in which the working class cedes control and power to the rich, dominant ruling class. This, in turn, creates an odious form of institutionalized serfdom. However, if we consider the abolition of private property - i.e. the very Lego, Transformers and computer games which you have written to me about - we can then effect real and meaningful societal change and become a more fair and equal society for all children, not just the benefactors of that bald, flashy capitalist, George.
Ethan: Who's George?
Ken: Never mind. Suffice to say that sanctioned human greed prevents social and economic evolution, which is coincidentally the underpinning of my novel.
Ethan: The one which you burned in the barbecue?
Ken: Well, yes, in manner of speaking.
Ethan: I want to go home. You're not Santa. You're just a bitter, old man with a lot of Marxist theories.
Ken: Next! .

The offal truth

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Sept 27 episode on CBC

So, let's summarize: Ashley smells like offal, Steve is pasty-faced and a potential 'ugly sister', Becky has figure like a broom and Claire... well... Claire could easily find herself on the losing end of a catfight if she continues to be 'friends' with Becky. It's an odd combination. Becky is a bit of a loner and a woman of the world with a checkered past. Claire is a straight-laced, school marm with mental health issues. It's certainly the oddest odd couple since Alf and Audrey got together.  (I now pronounce you Mayor and wife - ed)

Apparently, the only thing that could possibly bring Claire & Becky together is (free booze and paracetamols? - ed) ... a pantomime. Hmm. According to Wikipedia, pantomime incorporates: song (Rita & Michelle), dance (Kelly), buffoonery (Dev), slapstick (Dev again), cross-dressing (Graeme), in-jokes (Norris), audience participation (the Windasses), and mild sexual innuendo (Molly & Kev).  So I guess we have the basic ingredients already.

I believe the art form also requires two people dressed up in an animal costume, like a horse or a cow. In a single costume, one actor is the head and front legs, while the other is the body and back legs. I would respectfully suggest that Lloyd play the ass. (I second that motion - ed)

The only remaining question is where on earth can you stage a pantomime in the Rovers? (Graeme says there's lots of room in the ladies' bog - ed).  I'll leave that logistical conundrum in the hands of our esteemed landlord, Steve Macdonald. Can't wait for opening night.

***

Thanks very much for the comments and the heads-up regarding Blanche's last screen appearances. I am fervently hoping to see Blanche find Ken in the department store playing Santa. The look on her face plus the resulting stream of caustic one-liners would be priceless. Cheers.

TGIF Sept 24

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Sept 23 episode on CBC

Thanks very much for the comment about Blanche. There's no doubt that she will be missed on the show not just because of her impeccable timing and killer lines, but also her chemistry with characters like Ken, Deirdre and, most recently, Simon. We kick off this edition of TGIF (Tony Gordon, It's Friday) with Blanche in mind as we check out some of the more memorable lines from the past week.Onward:

Roy ponders the basic instincts of man and beast:
"I was just thinking how we all gravitate to our natural habitat"
(for Eddie Windass, that would be the gutter)


Rosie meticulously outlines her career path for John Stape:
"I wanna be a doctor"
(I wanna second opinion)


Kelly gives cross-dressing Graeme some pointers about accentuating his cleavage:
"Just shove some chicken fillets down ya' bra"
(...until your cup runneth over, I presume)


Bill Webster confronts John Stape after hearing Rosie's cries for help:
"You just made the biggest mistake of your life, pal"
(studying the works of 17th century English metaphysical poets?) 


Becky checks the contents of her handbag before going drinking with Claire:
"Fags, emergency fags, lighter, matches, mobile, lip gloss..."
(Yup, she's all ready for Y2K)


Norris is affronted by Emily and withdraws his culinary skills:
"Oh, well, that’s the last Chicken Kiev you'll be getting off me"
(ask Graeme about chicken...)


Sean draws a reasonable conclusion when he sees the coppers pull up outside the Webster's:
"It’s the fashion police. They've finally come for Rosie"
(anything you wear may be used as evidence against you...)


Deirdre wants to know more about Ken's job as a store Santa:
"And do you have elves?"
(yes, but if you wash with this special soap, you can get rid of them)

***

Thanks, as always, for stopping by. Have a great weekend. See you next week here at the Hip.

Rosie's list

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Sept 22 episode on CBC

Oh Rosie! How could you? Telling another whopper just to squeeze more dosh out of hapless John Stape. Bill Webster was ready to clock him one. Kev almost got put inside again for aggravated assault. Sally called the police. Sophie's underwater baptism almost got rescheduled (*pending pool availability during house league water polo finals - ed). And where did you come up with £50,000 anyway? What's that you say? You have a price list?  What on earth do you mean by a 'price list'?

£50,000... or I'll tell everyone that John Stape assaulted me

£30,000... or I'll tell everyone that John Stape tried to touch me

£20,000... or I'll tell everyone that John Stape scratched my new car and stole my handbag

£9,000...   or I'll tell everyone that John Stape 'perved' me (translation: leered or made suggestive comments)

£500.50... or I'll tell everyone that John Stape kissed Carla and I have a poor quality video on my cellphone which I accidentally erased

£105.66... or I'll tell everyone that John Stape forced me to listen to excerpts from John Milton's 'Samson Agonistes'

£78.99... or I'll tell everyone John Stape put whole milk in my skinny latte. (Yeah, I said whole milk!)

£9.02...  or I'll tell everyone that John Stape has never consulted the Oxford English Dictionary - which I believe is some kind of book.

***

Thanks for the comment. Pistols at dawn? Yikes, sounds a little early for me. I think I'd prefer nerf guns at 11.30ish. Cheers.

Graeme, Graemilla

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Sept 21 episode on CBC

It seems like the only person who is really enjoying Teresa's 'Vicars & Tarts/Liz' theme party... is Graeme. In fact, ol' Doctor Proctor seems to be enjoying the dressing up (cross-dressing up, you mean -ed) a little too much. It's like he's auditioning for the Weatherfield amateur theatre version of 'The Crying Game' (or simply getting ready for canal Street - ed)

How else to explain the fact that Graeme is using the ladies' room in the Rovers to 'freshen up' ? Of course, it is admittedly rather luxurious in the aforementioned gals' bog but surely soft toilet paper and roomy stalls don't mean that every Tom, Dick and Harry (especially Dick - ed) can go charging into the ladies', embarrassing Julie Carp and trying to borrow her lippy (not Graeme's shade anyway, he's more of a Kelly or Janice - ed).

Still, at least Graeme is getting into the spirit of things. No-one else seems to be enjoying Teresa's evil entertainment. The factory girls are all dressed up and bladdered in the Rovers. Blondes don't seem to be having more fun.(although Fiz does look rather sultry in her wig).

Liz, of course, as the object of the ridicule, is hurt and angry. 'Vicar' Lloyd is embarrassed and then horrified especially when Liz decides to melt half of his prized record collection (hot singles? - ed) and uses the rest as Frisbees (the 'ultimate' revenge - ed). Teresa? Well she's hammered, as usual, and doing a nice job of making Lloyd's life miserable.

All told, the 'Vicars & Tarts/Liz' event probably went rather well from Teresa's nasty perspective but even she can see the writing on the wall. She's as good as binned and not a moment too soon for Lloyd's sake. What was he thinking?

Heartbreak Hotel

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Sept 20 episode on CBC

I must say Kev and Molly seem to have honed their leg-over meetings down to a fine art.

Same hotel (same room, it appears - ed), same hour or two of pseudo-connubial bliss and same post-coital chat about their respective marital dilemmas. Occasionally one of their cellphones will ring but it's usually only Sally wanting to know where Kevin has put the garage account books or Tyrone wondering if 'yoga' is that cool, wise dude in Star Wars.

Anyway, after the 'body bliss' (as Jann Arden would say), Kev promptly puts his watch on and bemoans the life of a married man who yearns for the freedom to boink whomever he wants. After that, I imagine, it's check out time at the Weatherfield Super 8 (surely not that upscale? - ed).

Hotel desk clerk: Checking out are we, Mr. Wobster?
Kev: Yeah, thanks, here's the card key.
Hotel desk clerk: mini-bar?
Kev: Nope
Hotel desk clerk: Any pay per view movies?
Kev: Nope
Hotel desk clerk: You know sir, you rented the room for a day, You could check out tomorrow morning if you wish...
Kev: No ta. Now's fine. And make sure the bill says 'sundries', would ya'?
Hotel desk clerk: Of course sir, as always. And shall I have the valet parking bring your vehicle around to the front?
Kev: Yes, please.
Hotel desk clerk: That would be the bright orange tow truck if I'm not mistaken. I'll have our valet bring it right round to the front door.
Kev: Thanks mate. See you.. well.. tomorrow.

How long can this go on? Will Kev and Molly come clean to their respective spouses? Will someone see the tow truck? Will they at least become preferred hotel guests with the possibility of free upgrades? We can only wait and watch. 

TGIF Sept 17

Well, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas on the Street and you know what that means (Windasses wearing tinsel? - ed). It's that special time of the year when infidelities are revealed (Remember John Stape and his star-crossed Christmas gifts for Fiz and Rosie?). Anyhoo, let's all deck the halls and get to the more memorable lines of the week in this edition of 'Tony Gordon, It's Friday' or TGIF. Roll it:

Sophie points out Rosie's CV highlights:
"She can cross her legs in slow motion, she can pout over the telephone. Oh, and she can record videos on her mobile."
(don't forget she's can also be an excellent kidnap victim)



Audrey can't quietly stand by and watch Gail marry Joe:
"Do you know, I'd rather eat nails than watch you make the wrong choice again."
(Personally, I think she's taking the wrong tack)


Joe admiring Gail's charitable nature:
"You’d have something nice to say about Eva Braun"
(She had questionable choice in men too)


Sally is suspicious about terms used in Kevin's accounting ledger:
"What the hell are these sundries?"
(Usually found at the Corner Shop...)

Janice ponders the selling prospects for Underworld
"Who'd buy half of this place when your partner is a murdering psycho?"
(Rosie?)


Ashley is perplexed by reports of Josha swearing
"Do you know any swear words beginning with 'd'?"
(David Platt? Dev's golf game?)

Sean shows his loyalty to Carla:
"Hey, hey, hey, she might be a bitch but at least she’s our bitch"
(Don't worry, her bark is worse than her bite)


Grame recounts some of the names he was called at school:
"Spanner, dog breath, mentalist, thicko, and then I went to big school and I got moron, dipstick, cretin"
(... and those were the compliments)


Teresa tells Liz she's not so high and mighty:
"You still scratch your backside when you think no one’s looking."
(Luckily, there's CCTV)
 

***

 

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's it for the week. I'll be back as promised in my control room next week to resume the odyssey that is Blanche's Polish Hip. Enjoy your weekend and enjoy your Corrie. Thanks for stopping by and take care.

Underworld Inc

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the sept 15 episode on CBC

Ahh Underworld. So many fond memories: Jed Stone in a hamper, the skiving, psychos hiding at night, the skiving, the industrial accidents, the skiving, the fires, the... (get on with it! - ed). But now, with all the turmoil, it's getting harder and harder to figure out who actually owns this innovative knicker enterprise.

Personally, I liked it back in the good ol' days when Mike Baldwin owned the joint, lock, stock and barrel. Back then, there were no questions about who owned how much. Mikey owned 100 per cent of the skiving. Period. But alas, things changed. Danny, his son, became part owner. Eventually the factory wound up in the incompetent hands of Adam Baldwin who sold it for a handful of shiny buttons and string to the Connors. Carla eventually got Paul's share and Tony Gordon squeezed Liam out of his share. 

For a while there, I thought Luke Strong had bought Carla's share but I was wrong. I guess he was just a trustee (poor choice of words - ed). Then comes my favourite part. Rosie purchased 60% of the company from Luke - except Luke didn't own any shares. So Rosie's flirtation with Underworld ownership was like all her flirtations: brief and nasty.

Which brings us back to Carla. I guess she now has Tony's share and her own share and thus becomes the first sole proprietor of Underworld since the incomparable Mike Baldwin. So 100% of the skiving now belongs to her. Janice must be thrilled.

***

FYI to all Hip readers. A small business trip (skiving probably - ed) will find me away from my hi-tech Corrie console for the next few days. I'll try to do TGIF from a remote location but it may not be possible. Sorry about that. Back for sure next week. Cheers to all.

Irish In-laws

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Sept 14 episode on CBC

Sometimes I wonder about Barry and Helen Connor. (Yes, but do you have to blog about it too? - ed).  Although the Connor kids were well ensconced on the Street for a while, we didn't meet the parents for quite some time - not even when Paul shoved Leanne into the trunk of his car (a smart car? - ed) and went on a high speed but deadly joy ride. In fact, the first appearance of Barry and Helen dates back to when Liam married Maria. It was then that the charming couple first popped in (along with Tom who seems to be missing in action -- even though he's still involved in Ladrags and carries a torch for Maria) 

But after that, Barry and Helen certainly made up for lost time by popping round on a regular basis. Not that they didn't have good reason. The loss of Liam and the birth of a grandchild certainly warranted a short visit. But when Tony confessed to Liam's murder, Helen and Barry were back in Weatherfield before you could say 'Irish coffee'. In fact, one has to wonder if they weren't camped out at Manchester Airport with Streetcars on their cellphone speed-dial.

Now, I know that Barry likes the ale at the Rovers and Helen likes to be near her grandchild, but I do find them just a little too close for comfort. Now that Maria is planning to go back to Ireland with them and baby Liam, I guess we might not see them for while. But I wouldn't bank on it.

After all, Carla is back in town and you just know that Helen hasn't finished giving her a 'piece of her mind'.
As the Irish saying goes, 'Erin go girl'... or something like that.

Rosie's CV

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the September 13 episode on CBC

Now that she has come to terms with her ill-fated affair with Larcenous Luke Strong, Rosie has to face facts (scam artists aren't as sexy as she thought? - ed). She needs a job. Or, as Sophie says, "..she’s got a great cv."  Hmm...

Rosie Webster

Curriculo Vitalis

Born: duh? obviously. Oh, sorry, I mean December 24, 1990

Education:  

Oakhill Grammar School

Weatherfield High* 

Experience:

2007 - Personal Assistant at Underworld Knicker factory

duties:  answering phones, making coffee, sneering at drones on the factory floor, having it off with boss*

2008 - Kidnap Victim

duties: being briefly locked in perv's Gran's attic, trying to escape, eating pasta salad

2009 - Local newspaper celebrity

duties: posing for glam, sexy photos and telling my story about being a perv's captive

Hobbies:

- the usual: pouting, texting, swanning around, getting pulled out of parties by the hair etc

- being a goth (but like, that is ancient history, I'm so over that)

- washing my new car (only thing left from my £150,000 gift from the perv who kidnapped me - see above).

- style mags and expensive clothes

- investing in Underworld (at least I thought I was)

References:

- Just call or text Minnie Chandra (my clubbing mate). She'll tell ya that I'm well up for partying and a brilliant shopper.

* left school after having it off with English teacher

* boss turned out to be a total creep 

***

Let the job offers begin...

TGIF Sept 10

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the Sept 9 episode on CBC

Hayley: Tony Gordon killed Liam
Factory girls: Liam Neeson, the accomplished Irish actor and star of Schindler's List, who was nominated for an Oscar and Golden Globe?
Hayley: No !
Factory Girls: Liam Gallagher, musician, songwriter and lead singer of English rock band, Oasis, whose fractious relationship with his brother was widely publicized?
Hayley: No !
Factory Girls: Baby Liam?
Hayley: No !
Factory Girls: We give up.
Hayley: Maria’s husband! How stupid are ya?

Ahem, here we go, some of the the more memorable lines of the week...

Accomplished non-swimmer, Roy, calls for assistance after Tony pushes him into the canal:
"Help! Help! "
(for God's sake stop Tony before he gives Roy mouth to mouth resuscitation)


Roy is amazed by the sight of bats at this time of year:
"The pipistrelle in November. It’s unheard of"
(like murdering someone on your stag night...)


Tony comes clean at the cop shop, albeit with an attitude:
" while I’m in a confessing mood, I threw someone in the canal tonight"
(...it's a little after-dinner ritual I have, really rounds out a nice evening walk)


Maria storms into the police station and confronts Tony:
"If there was any justice in this world, they'd hang ya! And I'd watch and I'd cheer. And then I'd dance on your grave!"
(so... can he call you later?)


Tony makes it clear that he's been watching Roy:
"I know you've got tea in your flask and cheese and tomato in your sandwiches. Am I right?"
(Nice work Kreskin. Now tell me whose underwear I'm wearing)


John Stape doesn't want to unduly disturb Roy's cafe routines:
"I wouldn’t want to discombobulate you"
(Yeah, that's Tony's job)


Tony tries to sweep aside murder accusations from the detectives with a jocular comment:
"I did murder 'Born to Run' in the shower this morning"
(does that mean Bruce Springsteen is in the canal too?)

 
Julie assures Eileen that there's no hanky-panky going on between her and Jesse:
"We were children’s entertainers, not lovers!"
(Hiyalowa... lower...lower)

***

Well, that's it for another wild week on the Street. Hope you enjoyed all the drama (and there's more to come when the Connor parents arrive). Till then , thanks for the nice comments, have a great weekend and thanks for stopping by. Cheers!

Aye confess

spoiler alert:this post makes reference to the Sept 8 episode on CBC

What's worse? Tony Gordon trying to kill you or Tony Gordon giving you the wee kiss of life?

Well, you'll have ask the shell-shocked Roy Cropper who took an unexpected water tour of the bat habitat (batitat? - ed). But it seems that our mcpsycho, Tony, does indeed have a heart (faulty though it may be) and couldn't actually let Royston drown in the famous murky waters where David Platt parked his car, where Ken Barlow had his bit on the side, where... (get on with it - ed).

Now that Tony's at the cop shop drinking tea with the nice looking detective, questions abound.

Where's Jimmy?  How long before he gets fingered by the Weatherfield fuzz?

What about Carla? Can she afford another one-way from LAX to WEA and, if so, will Streetcars pick her up from the airport?

How about the factory? Who's going to run Underworld now that Luke's done a bunk and Tony's sleeping in one?

And, what about Maria? Now that she knows the truth, what will she do? More to the point, where is she going to find a semi-good looking bloke now that most of them are gone or in jail?

And finally, what about Tony? Will he be enjoying her majesty's hospitality in the John Stape memorial cell? (I think there must be some law that says a least one street character must be in the nick at all times)

We can only wait and watch.

to the batmobile...

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the September 7 episode on CBC

How to Watch Bats

the second in an educational series from Blanche's Polish Hip

Hello and welcome to this very interesting educational series. Faithful readers (they've already left to watch paint dry - ed) will recall Rosie Webster's very informative guide to washing cars . Now readers can learn how to watch bats, which, I believe, is the second fastest growing spectator sport next to NASCAR.

But how can you participate in this exciting activity (a fast car and a beer sponsor? - ed). It's easy. Here's how to do it.

What to wear:

- an anorak (Roy buys them in bulk at Costco)

- sensible shoes

- green socks (also good for camping)

- a look of fear

Equipment you will need:

- a flashlight

- pepper spray (never mind why)

- a stool or folding chair

- a cellphone (to dial 999 - never mind why)

- a pen and notebook to record bat movements or write a desperate note to Hailey

- cheese & tomato sarnies (Tony's favourite next to Marmite & tuna)

- a thermos of tea (enough for two)

- a swimsuit

- swimming lessons

What to do:

- go down to the edge of the canal, close to a very dark bridge with no-one around

- make sure Tony Gordon knows where you are (you never know when he may want a wee word)

- observe bats

- hint: street lights, canal bridges and desolate lonely locations are perfect spots where you'll find usually these eerie creatures hunting for prey (wait, are you talking about urban bats or Tony Gordon? - ed) 

TGIF September 3

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the September 2 episode on CBC

Is it Friday already? Time flies when you're terrified of Tony. Speaking of which, looks like it's time for that award-winning feature which you can't forget (try as you might), 'Tony Gordon, It's Friday' or TGIF, our regular round-up of some memorable lines of the week. Yowsa!

Tony divulging the fruits of his lengthy chats with Roy:
"I know all about their habitats, their mating behavior"
(Is he talking about the crested newts... or the Croppers?)


Roy reveals the ugly truth about Tony to Hayley:
"He was lying about the newts"
(yeah, that scumbag doesn't know the first thing about their habitat)


Rick the loan shark objects to the term 'loan shark':
" Our outfit provides a valuable public service"
(who else makes leg breaking, house calls these days?)


Sally summarizes her objections to John Stape's return:
"He’s a sick pervert who happens to use a dictionary!"
(we only want perverts who can't spell living here, thank you very much)



Tony makes a not-so-subtle threat to Roy:
"You forget what you think it is you know and maybe, just maybe, we can avoid another tragic accident"
(spilled brown sauce on the bed sheets in the ICU?)


Ted tells Gary about his time served in Malaysia::
"Let me put it this way... I left a few of my demons in those far off lands"
(No, I'm afraid Gail is still here)


Dev asks Sean if Jessie is bulimic:
"Semi, he’s got the binging part nailed."
(And it looks like Eileen will have his other part nailed soon)

 
Sean describes Julie's mysterious behavior:
"She’s keeping her cards very close to her c cups"
(bra-vo)

***

Well, that's it for another week. Enjoy the long weekend and stay tuned for more hip next week. Thanks to all for stopping by and best wishes.

Elevated Threat Level

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the September 1 episode on CBC

I must confess I had trouble keeping my spotted dick down last night while watching the show (whoa whoa, remember it's a family blog - ed). First there was the inevitable 'morning after': John and Fiz descending the stairs after John's first conjugal visit only to find that Sally had thoughtfully 'darkened' the living room windows, no doubt to preserve a mysterious, romantic mood.

Then there was Maria and Tony, getting all McFrisky and trying to make Tony's heart rate monitor increase to the 'alive' level (try saying the word 'Carla', that usually gets him going - ed). I swear, if Gail and Joe had gone all 'nautical' again on the HMS Love Boat parked in her driveway (steady as she goes, sailor - ed), I would have lost it.

Fortunately, the counterpoint to all this hanky panky is Tony and Roy. Now that Tony is back to his old self, he is taking the bull by the horns and threatening Roy. So far, so good. But just how will Tonemeister try to  do the dirty deed. Just off the top of my head, I would wager that Roy may:
 - accidentally get run over by a 'woody'
-  get attacked by a flock of bats
-  get hit on the head with Roberts Rules of Order at the next Weatherfield Historical Society meeting

-  fall down the quarry while creating a habitat for a crested newt
- accidentally fall into the deep fryer while making chips
- find himself wearing a lead anorak in the canal

Roy's Roles

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the August 31 episode on CBC

Roy Cropper has many talents (train spotting, toilet roll replacement, fastest full English in the North etc etc). More to the point, on the Street, he is the touchstone of civility, knowledge and fair play. So what's he up to with Tony (besides getting wet)?

Well, it seems that Roy is playing two distinct roles. First, through sheer coincidence and luck, Roy happened to be by Tony's bedside in the ICU when Tone decided to make a deathbed confession.This puts Roy in the position of confessor, reluctantly hearing Tony admit that he killed Liam.

Second, it seems that Roy then took it upon himself to play the role of Tony's conscience (it's a tough job but someone's got to do it - ed). That unenviable task seems to involve ringing Maria's doorbell every five minutes, sitting on the Maxine Peacock memorial bench, standing outside in the rain at night (couldn't he at least use an umbrella? - ed) and yelling at Anna Windass (well at least there are some perks! - ed).


So far, so good but one thing puzzles me.I understand Roy's actions, but why is Tony reacting this way? Since when does he listen to his conscience (since his conscience has a manwife? - ed). Why has Tony has given Roy so much latitude and allowed himself to be terrorized by the Spectre of the Anorak™.  It doesn't really fit with TG's mcmodus operandi. Why wouldn't Mr. Gordon just look up Jimmy's number and give Jimster a dingle on the cellphone? Bingo bango and before you can say 'Weatherfield Historical Society', Cropper comes a cropper... if you know what I mean. Distasteful? Yes, but distasteful is what Tony does best.

Oh, and, a message to Joe McIntyre: SELL THE DAMN BOAT! (Sorry, I just had to get it out of my system)