If Blanche kept a diary...

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 30 episode on CBC

Although it has been a banner week for Corrie watchers, I can't help feeling that we're somehow missing the valuable perspective of one Blanche Hunt. If only she had access to a computer, I think her online diary might go something like this...

"Ken has skulked off to the Weatherfield Library to 'get some peace and quiet'. Claims he can't hear himself think while I'm watching 'Britain's Got Talent'. So while he's gone, I'm having a quick go at his computer. Any idea what 'delete all files and reset to factory default means' ? Me neither. It's all gibberish if you ask me but never mind, there's nothing on here except Ken's writing and we already know no-one's interested in that. I've said it before and I'll say it again: he's no Barbra Cartland.

I saw that Tony Gordon this morning wearing a nice bit of tartan. In fact I saw him several times outside Roy's Rolls. By gum. he certainly gets around. It's like he's everywhere. That's the kind of 'get up and go' you need to get ahead in the business world. I keep telling Kenneth he could learn a thing or two from him - instead of pushing grocery carts at Freshco's or making bacon butties for Roy Cropper and his manwife.

Haven't seen Norris around lately. Emily Bishop says he hurt his back. Came as a bit of a surprise to me. Seems to me a back injury implies you have backbone. By all accounts, Norris Cole had his removed after he got married. Besides backache is nought when you've got a Polish hip like mine. If it weren't for the occasional medicinal G &T to dull the pain, I don't know how I'd survive.

Looks like that Fiz Brown ignored my advice about that philandering teacher man of hers. Hope she at least got him doctored or sure as eggs that Thomas will be sniffing around again first chance he gets. Don't say I didn't give fair warning.

Must go. Deirdre is cooking (at least that's what she calls it). Got a nice bit of beef in the oven and she only knows two settings: 'burned' and 'dry enough to choke a camel'. Now, how do you switch this thing off?"

***

Shots from the hip... That's it for the week. Thanks for visiting, thanks for the comments and enjoy the weekend. I'll be back next Tuesday as the fallout from Carla's hen party and Tony's stag continues.

The 10-point plan

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 29 episode on CBC

The irrepressible, neanderthalesque Tom called it a "ten point plan for oblivion". He was talking about Tony's stag 'do' and, as it gets underway at Roy's Rolls, it has all the earmarks of a wild and crazy day. (In sharp contrast, you can hear the crickets above the stony silence at Carla's hen party). Tony's bachelor festival is brimming with close, personal acquaintances on the Street (I had no idea that Ryan and Tony were such mates) But strangely no family members or actual friends are at the event. Hmm. No matter, the ten-point plan has been launched and I imagine it goes something like this:

1. Put on Tony Gordon masks and t-shirts

2. Take turns ringing Kevin's doorbell and pretending to be Tony. (Lloyd, Dev & Tom accidentally get punched in the face)

3. Breakfast at Roy's Rolls then everyone goes over to the factory, wearing the masks, and takes turns telling Janice she's fired. (Ryan, Jason & Tom accidentally get punched in the face)

4. More ale & champagne

5. Pouting contest (Liam's idea). Whoever sulks the longest wins. Liam wins. To celebrate his victory, he sulks some more. No-one can figure out when the contest is over. (Tom accidentally gets punched in the face)

6. More ale

7. Paintballing. The group divides into two teams: 'Tony's Tigers' & 'Liam's Layabouts'

8. More ale

9. Kirk is rushed to the hospital as paramedics wonder how anyone can accidentally shoot themselves in the back of the head - with their own paintball gun - while wearing a Tony Gordon mask.

10. Tony and Liam challenge each other to a paintball duel. First person to put primer and a satin finish latex on the other, wins.

***

shots from the hip.... thanks for the encouraging comments. Much appreciated. Drop by tomorrow as I unveil a fake excerpt from Blanche's diary (since she's nowhere to be found on the street I have no choice but to imagine what she might think of current goings on). Cheers.

Liam the love zombie

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 28 episode on CBC

Remember when Carla managed to insinuate herself back into Liam's life by secretly investing in his new company? For the bargain price of £50,000, she got part ownership in a budding t-shirt company ('Sad rags'? - ed) and an opportunity to torture Liam - all at the same time.

So what was she thinking? That she would be able to turn Liam on and off like a water fountain on Bessie Street? Bad idea. Liam has transformed from a dark, sullen, brooding fellow into an even more dark, sullen brooding fellow. We don't know exactly why or how, but he has become a single-minded robot, a love zombie and his caveman mantra seems to be: 'me want Carla, must have Carla!' (Must be taking elocution lessons from Terry Duckworth - ed). Carla's little teasefest is now completely out of control.

"Why are you doing this?" asks Carla when Liam pops over to get an eyeful (and more) of the tasty bride while the Tonester is out for the night.
"Because I'm sick and tired of trying not to," replies Liam with that now-familiar Tim Horton trademark glazed look in his eyes.

After Carla 'clip clops' across the room in her heels to remove her bridal outerwear, the twosome have it off and manage to finish up their horizontal hijinks mere moments before Tony shows up - sick to his stomach with rage and resentment (either that or he ate a dodgy hotpot - ed). I thought it was impossible, but I even felt a twinge of sympathy for Tony. Not only did he have to endure the inane ramblings of clueless Tom ("Tony, chillax, yeah") at the Rovers but he is about to get married to the woman who's having it off with her late-husband's brother. Yowsa!

Meanwhile, Maria can't catch a break. As winner of the 'Charlie Stubb's bit on the side' award, you'd think she would deserve better and yet there she is sitting alone listening to Adele on the radio singing 'Chasing Pavements'. What happens next? Well, according to Tom, Tony's bachelor party is supposed to be a "10 point plan for oblivion" and Michelle thinks it would be a grand idea to have the hen party and the stag party get together. I don't like the sound of this. Worlds will collide and people, including Carla, will almost certainly get hurt.

festival of one-liners

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 27 episode on CBC

Ladies, gentlemen & punters! Lock all the doors, put the kettle on and turn up the volume at 7pm because I don't think it gets much better than this. A cornucopia (keep it clean - ed) of compelling stories for our viewing delight. The one possible exception is Norris who hurts his back and is lying on the floor of the Kabin. The only way that this gets interesting is if a herd of stampeding elk charges through the corner shop for a quarter pound of licorice allsorts and Norris gets 'underfoot' in the literal sense of the word.

But I digress. As I say, the street is cooking with gas and the one-liners are coming fast and furious. Here's a small sampling of my faves:

Julie re: Janice's theft: "the whole debacle has dented the passenger door of the car I call human nature."
(then what does she call human nature? a Volvo?)

Vickie re: Janice's theft: "she brings new meaning to the word vile"
(boy, her English is getting really good. Pretty soon the factory girls won't be able to understand her!)

Dev to Nina: "I'm a single man, ergo I am free to ogle"
(agreed, but don't call me 'Ergo'.)

Nina to Dev: "As I said in the Bollywood classic 'Summer of the 16th sari"..."
(sequel to the 'summer of the 15th sari' - with Sylvester Stallone, I believe. I laughed, I cried)

Carla about Michelle: "She spends more time in front of the mirror than Simon Cowell"
(Surely not. Simon holds the Guinness world record)

what would Blanche say?

no spoilers were used in the preparation of this post

There's no two ways about it. I miss Blanche. Not only is she the inspiration and guiding light for this blog but I just know she would have a lot to say about what's going on - especially when there's so much juicy action happening in the Street. I can only imagine what she might say about...

Tony Gordon - "...he’s got ambition I’ll give him that. You could learn a thing or two from him Kenneth."

Rosie Webster – "She’ll be down the precinct swaning around with cash in her pockets and a belt for a dress, showing her wares to all and sundry."

Tyrone – "...that lad should be more careful. Giving his body to science, indeed. What’s he playing at? Happen they’ll give it back anyway..."

Liam & Maria – "...good looking lad but what’s he doing with the likes of that one [Maria]? Wasn’t ten minutes ago she was shampooing poodles instead of people at that overpriced salon of Audrey Roberts. You should see the hairdo on poor Rita Sullivan! – looks like a bichon frise on show day at the Westminster kennel club."

Liz - "...don’t know what she’ll do with herself since her bookie man stripped down and waltzed out the front door of the Rovers. Mind you, I'm sorry I missed that. I love a good bit of cabaret with me gin and tonic..."

***

That's it for the week. I'm off to the Big Smoke (Toronto - more like the 'Big Stink' these days with the garbage strike). For all you omnibus watchers out there, enjoy the Sunday show and thanks, as always, for stopping by and visiting. I should be back on Tuesday with a new post.

urban robotics

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 23 episode on CBC

It's interesting to see the role of technology on Coronation Street. Nowadays, it seems everyone on the Street (even Norris) has a cellphone, sends text messages and uses a computer. There's nothing wrong with that of course; the Street is simply reflecting modern life.

Look at yesterday's episode. Liam starts up his computer and ignores Maria. Carla gets an incoming cellphone call and the caller ID tells her it's Liam. Lloyd gets a cellphone call about John Stape's accident (attacked by Grandma Nell's cat I assume - ed). Jason is glued to his cellphone talking to Sarah Platt in Italy. Even Auntie Pam is selling dodgy digital watches with the help of shill-in-training, Tyrone. (Surely you've heard of 'Urban Robotics' - just like Movado or Rolex without working parts).

Sometimes, however, technology gets in the way of a good story or becomes a substitute for a decent plot. Remember when David hacked into Tina's email account? Too much of that story depended on emails, staring at computer screens, figuring out login passwords etc. Similarly, too many text messages can not only be hard for viewers to see and read - but can actually become a crutch for poor storytelling. After all, back in the day, all Elsie Tanner had was a rotary phone and a cigarette lighter and she was a hellraiser.

Of course, some characters seem blissfully oblivious to the benefits of hi-tech living. I haven't seen Emily texting her vicar lately ("C U Sunday Vikr, LOL"). Thank God for small mercies.

Hillman v. Gordon

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 21 episode on CBC

Let's compare villains. Many observers believe that Tony Gordon is a monster, a ruthless businessman who crushes his opponents and has a vicious streak which could make him into the next Richard Hillman.

You remember Richard? Good looking fellow with a briefcase, pleasant disposition -- and, oh yes, a penchant for killing people with blunt objects. (sorry, doesn't ring a bell - ed). Richard Hillman was a bona fide psychopath. He was a con man who swindled a number of people (including Jack & Vera) and single-handedly managed to downsize the population of Coronation Street. (Duggie & Maxine were among his unfortunate victims over a short space of time).

So how does the Tonester compare?

Yes, he's a ruthless businessman, a distinguished liar and certainly has a robust disregard for the law when it comes to endangered bats (Damn you, Roy Cropper), acquiring Kev's garage and manhandling Jed Stone's cat. But, so far, there are no bodies that we know of.

Tony could be responsible for Rosie's disappearance - but the last thing he told her was that she had a job if she kept her mouth shut. Tony could have roughed up Jed Stone - but he didn't lay a finger on him, just watched him have a heart attack and delayed calling 999 (Canadians please subtract 88). Tony could have pushed Liam over a ledge and easily killed the hapless hunk - but instead he asks Liam to be his best man (a fate worse than death -ed). What's the grand plan? Force Liam to wear a custom-tailored kilt at the wedding? (Oh God, not that).

Of course, it's early days yet and Tony, seething with rage, jealously and greed, could well turn out to be a violent killer. I'm certainly no lawyer and I'm not trying to defend him (I hear Maya Sharma is available - ed) But so far the evidence seems far from conclusive and that's probably a good thing. One Richard Hillman is enough.

***

Shots from the hip... thanks for the comments and for visiting. Always a pleasure to hear from Corrie followers.

the webster web

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 20 episode on CBC

Rosie Webster's disappearance is making waves up and down Coronation Street and the best part is how the story interconnects with so many characters in different ways. In fact, almost everyone seems to getting involved in one way or another.

Kevin and Sally are astounded to read Rosie's bank statement (must be the exorbitant service fees - ed) and the police are hot on the trail of the £25,000.

Sophie is royally teed off because her paernts are obsessed with Rosie. Rita gets into the act telling Sophie, "I always thought you had a bit more about you."

The factory crew are livid because they believe Rosie has ripped them off and absconded off with their lottery winnings - after all they've done for her. "How does the Weatherfield Barbie repay me?" says Sean.

The investigation into the $25,000 is making Janice increasingly antsy and she is now getting cold feet about the whole plan with Leanne.

Leanne is in a spot of bother because she committed to give/lend her share of the money to Dan to buy the bookies.

Meanwhile, far from the Street, in an undisclosed luxury spa, Tony is making Richard Hillman look like Mr. Dressup as he unveils a creepy plan for the weekend (full body massage with a loofa brush and a Brazilian wax? - ed). He regales Carla, Liam and Maria with a humourous story about how a female employee betrayed him by having an extramarital affair with a competitor - so he had the competitor beaten senseless, broke up the guy's marriage, bought his company for a song and fired the female employee. (Funny story but I guess you had to be there).

That's just the start. Then it's time for "a chat between two guys" says Tony. Hmm. Let's see: Liam and Tony, mano-a- mcmano, off for a brisk walk to a place where there is a very large sign which reads 'DANGER'. What could possibly go wrong?

Finding Rosie

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 16 episode on CBC

Looks like we end the week with a 'Blanche's Polish Hip' exclusive (or as Blanche herself would say 'stop twittering on and get on wi' it before me spotted dick gets cold'). The Weatherfield detachment of her majesty's finest are leaving no stone unturned in their exhaustive search for Rosie Webster.

According to unnamed sources (Norris Cole? - ed), the police have come up with two lists (Franz and Schindler's? - ed) : one list of places where Rosie probably is and another list of places where she most probably is not. Here they are:

Top five places to find Rosie Webster
1. The thong department at Marks & Spencer
2. Cruising the canal - without a boat (or a car, à la David Platt)
3. Underneath Underworld (see Tony Gordon for details)
4. Bikini Village with Saj
5. Germany with ex-boyfriend Craig, visiting Checkpoint Charlie because she says it was named after Charlie Stubbs.

Top five places not to find Rosie Webster
1. Weatherfield Public Library ("Books? Are you serious?")
2. Weatherfield Historical Society ("I don't want to hang around with a bunch of saddos hearing about ancient things like the Beatles")
3. Emily's Church Charity Shop ("You mean other people have worn these clothes? Gross!")
4. In Africa with Hayley ("Although I could get a serious tan there and I've always wanted to go to Brazil")
5. Any educational institution ("You mean like school? Been there, done that. Slept with the teacher.")


That's it for the week. Thanks for stopping by and enjoy the Sunday omnibus edition. Feel free to leave comments. I read them all - even if Blanche doesn't.

The exit to Spain is mainly on the plane

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 15th episode on CBC

So the Mortons (3/5th of them anyway) are leaving for Spain. It's a big change. They'll have to learn how to say 'Donde esta kebab shop', for example. Well, at least they won't be lonely over there. That's because there's a veritable colony of Corrie Compadres, a legion of Manchester muchachos... (that's enough por favor - ed) over in Espana, which seems to be something of a home away from home for Weatherfield citizens.

There's Andy Mcdonald (Steve's brother), a longtime resident, and Warren Baldwin (Jamie's brother) for starters. Warren is even playing football over there (for Surreal Madrid or the Torremolinos Skivers FC, I forget which). Over the years, Spain has been a key part of Corrie stories. Mike Baldwin had a villa over there, the subject of much conflict in his will. Jackie Dobbs was there for a while (running with the bull, I suspect). Leanne spent a restful sojourn under Spanish skies learning all about real estate and Sangria - but mostly Sangria. Frankie Baldwin escaped over there for a respite from her torturous love life (parenting es muy caliente). Even the Websters found time to escape their troubles and spend a few days in Majorca (A UN designated Tony Gordon-free zone).

What's the attraction? Central heating? Cold beer and warm food? Out of earshot of Janice Battersby? It's hard to say but 'calle coronación' is growing, especially with the addition of the Mortons. They probably even have enough characters over there to start their own storylines. Maybe a ruthless businessman, El Tony, will try to force a certain Signor Kev to leave his hacienda in order to expand his bullfighting business... or something like that. We can work on the details manana.

Adios Amigos

Rosie: nurture or nature?

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 14 episode on CBC

How exactly did Rosie Webster find herself in a hotel room, half naked with her boss? (turn left at the concierge's desk and go up two floors - ed). And why did she act in such a way as to incur the wrath of a towering Scottish presence (The Bay City Rollers? - ed)

Her dad. Kevin, has been trying to figure out why Rosie betrayed him (by furnishing the Tonester with confidential business info) and why she seems to be the source of so much trouble and aggravation.

"After all we've done for her, the money we spent at Oak Hill and she turns round and does that," says Kev bitterly.
"She's just so eager to get on and make her mark," says Sally by way of explanation.

It may be true that Rosie is ambitious. She seems to want what many 17 year-olds want: money, status, cars and hot dates (so how does Saj fit in - ed). But why? After all, it was just a short while ago that she was dressing in black and hanging out with a goth boyfriend. If she wanted to make her mark, why didn't Rosie stay at Oak Hill, get a good education and escape from the Street. Kev and Sally squeezed their finances to pay for that school (at the expense of Sophie) - but it amounted to nothing.

Here she is working in a backstreet factory with no real prospects (like Sally). You can blame Kev and Sally's parenting style if you want (Sally too prescriptive and Kevin too detached) or maybe their past indiscretions (Kevin & Nathalie; Sally & Ian Davenport et al). You can even blame Sally as a role model, constantly dissatisfied with her lot in life and ready to make bad choices to get ahead whether it's expanding Kevin's business or getting 'tutored' by John Stapes. Or, perhaps it comes down to the genes (you mean those two guys on Canal Street? - ed).

In many ways Rosie is a lot like her mum and that's probably not a good thing - but ultimately it doesn't matter whether it's a question of nature or nurture. She's made some mistakes and we can attribute some of that to naivete and foolish youth - but things like blackmail and betrayal. Well, as Kevin says, "Rosie made a choice."

Brief encounter

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 13 episode on CBC

So now we have the answer to that age-old question which has been causing us so many sleepless nights - Harry Mason, boxers or briefs? Harrisimo has had his comeuppance, tricked by the unlikely combo of Liz and Clarissa. and left with his proverbial pants down. Clarissa takes a few snaps for.. er.. posterity and Liz shows Harry the door - the front entrance of the Rovers. Harry walks resolutely through the bar in just his underwear, much to the delight and cheers of the Rovers' patrons.

"Who ordered the cabaret?" cackles Janice. The humiliation is almost complete. As a sad epilogue, Harry subsequently announces to Dan, that he is leaving the bookie business in his son's hands. Harry is being forced off the Street (Clarissa's terms of unconditional surrender) and with a tear and a hug, he is gone. As Shakespeare might say 'Exit Harry'

Of course, there was one other bit of 'cabaret' going on in the Rovers that night: the battle between Kevin and Rosie. It starts as an argument over Rosie's skimpy attire (one belt does not an evening dress make - ed). Sally plays peacemaker and offers to 'enhance' the outfit saying "Rita's got a lovely Pashmina." (If that's a euphemism, you're in big trouble - ed)

In the course of the public argument, Kevin learns that Rosie has betrayed him and his business by supplying Tony the Tiger with confidential info on Kev's garage. This is the start of a breakdown between the two, one which probably cannot be repaired (Even if Kev gets a new truck? - ed). Fast forward a bit and Rosie has shown her true colours - in a posh hotel room where she lies in wait for Tony.

What kind of brief encounter will this be?

Drum solo

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 9 episode on CBC

At its best, Coronation Street is funny, sad, emotional, engaging and poignant all at the same time. Vernon's last stand is a classic example. He has assembled his drum kit on the Street underneath the window of the fair Liz. Then he starts pounding away on the drums, sounding like the unholy progeny of Ringo Starr and George of the Jungle (More like the Dave Clark Five without Dave - ed). His objective? To get Liz's attention and make a last ditch attempt to win her back.

"I'm not stopping until Liz comes out here," he says.

The almighty commotion certainly gets Liz's attention but not in a good way. Liz is far too busy getting tarted up for a date with Harry. It is left to Deirdre to intercede and convince Vern to stop his racket. As part of the deal, Deirdre promises to give Liz a letter - and a hat- with a label. The rest is pure poetry. Deirdre reads the letter to Liz and can't stop herself from crying.

The letter points out that Harry is a vagabond who will break Liz's heart. Vern also admits that he may not be the most exciting fella in the world but "I could walk beside you along life's path, pointing out the potholes.." (Are they moving to Montreal? - ed).

Liz is touched and admits that Vernon has many wonderful qualities but he just doesn't have that exciting thing, "that Harry thing" (Horny toad syndrome? Chronic Legoveritis? - ed). As a denouement, Vern issues somewhat complicated instructions for Liz amounting to three options:

option 1: Step outside wearing hat with label by 20:20 (GMT)
option 2: Step outside without hat with label by 2020 (GMT)
option 3: Do neither (anytime GMT)

Then there's nothing left to do but wait. Vern sits in his van watching the clock and listening to Barry White. Meanwhile, Liz is stood up by Harry and humiliated by Clarissa. Wearing the hat and a torn dress, she steps out onto the Street distraught and in tears - but it's too little, too late.

"Why do I never learn?" she sobs to Deirdre.

As for Vern, well he's off to London -- but it will be a solo career. I wish him well.

***

Shots from the hip: That's it for this week. Thanks again for the comments. Hope you enjoyed visiting and enjoy the Sunday omnibus show. I'll be back next Tuesday.

Not a fine romance

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 8 episode on CBC

"I saw something horrible," says Vernon and never was a truer word spoken. Vernon is sitting in the cafe in a state of shock (tea with five sugars, stat!) talking to Lloyd. He is recounting his reaction after accidentally catching a glimpse of Harry and Liz in.. um.. flagrante delicto (oh the humanity - ed).

There's seems to be no hiding the fact that the Liz/Harry 'relationship' is a bit of a tawdry affair rather than a fine romance. The only surprising element is the fact that almost everyone knows it - and says it.

"The minute my back's turned, he's all over that tart," says Clarissa as she concocts a somewhat predictable scheme for Hopeless Harry. "I'm going to set him up, catch him out and watch him squirm." Sigh. Was there ever any doubt about this game plan? The charade continues in this vein while friends and colleagues freely offer their opinions.

Sean sums it up rather neatly for Liz with two home truths:
1. "Men like that are scum bags"
2. "He's having his cake and eating it too."

Later, Liz weakly refutes Sean's searing analysis.
"He enjoys my company," she says.
"Especially if you're lying down," replies Sean.

Even Deirdre, a loyal Liz friend through thick and thin, is skeptical this time around. Deirdre comes to the Rovers, responding to Liz's emergency call issued because Liz claims she has nothing to wear. (Shouldn't be a problem when dating Harry - ed)

"Be careful," says Deirdre, "Harry is a bit of a user." (And Everest is a bit of a mountain)

Stay tuned to find out what happens next. I'm guessing that more hair-pulling is in store and that Harry is caught, one way or another, with his pants down. So much for romance.

***

Shots from the hip: Thanks for the comments and the kind words. It's much appreciated. Thanks also for pointing out my mistake regarding Fred's favourite beverage (which I refer to in my profile) and have since corrected. Cheers.

Ethics 101

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 7 episode on CBC

Janice is faced with a thorny moral and ethical dilemma (to skive or not to skive? - ed). She has in her hand a winning lottery ticket and the prize is a cool £25,000. There's only one small problem. The winnings rightly belong to the eight Underworld workers who collectively bought the ticket. The ticket-buying syndicate doesn't know about their good fortune because, so far, Janice hasn't told them. What to do? Should she keep mum and pocket the loot as a down payment on a luxo flat with all the mod cons (chairs, ashtrays, bottles of premium lager)? Or, should she do the right thing and tell her friends and co-workers about the lucky ticket and the share the winnings? (about £3,000 each)

Fortunately, Janice is able to benefit from the ethical and moral expertise of her step-daughter, Leanne Battersby. Leanne's controversial rulings are already well known in such landmark questions such as:
Should I sleep with the father of my fiance ?
(Yes)
Should I blackmail the father of my fiance?
(Yes)
Should I go to Spain?
(No - they speak Spanish there you know)
Should I return to Weatherfield with a new 'job' as an escort?
(Not sure about the Weatherfield part but definitely 'yes' to the escort part because you can makes loads of cash)
and finally,
Should I burn down my restaurant for the insurance money?
(Hmm. this is a tough one but I'm going to have to say 'yes' - but only if you get your lovesick partner to do it and take the blame).

With this kind of 'advice', what can we expect from poor Janice? I may be an old softie I'm guessing that Jan will eventually came clean and share the winnings. She may have a lot of faults but I don't think she'll resort to deceiving her friends and stealing their money. Leanne, on the other hand ....

Shots from the hip: My apologies for some snags regarding the posting (or rather inability) to post comments. I don't know what was wrong (Blanche would simply say I made "a right cock-up of it") but I think it works now. Sorry about that.

Is Lloyd Ax-worthy?

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 6 episode on CBC

Lloyd Mullaney is, and always has been, a bit of a lovable rascal on Coronation Street. He provides an amusing foil to Steve McDonald, co-owns a respectable business on the Street and has a good heart. But lately, old Lloydie has been making some questionable decisions and I'm starting to wonder about him.

First, there was that whole Steve-marriage-proposal-cock-and-bull story which he concocted to placate Michelle while Steverino was hiding in Spain. Admittedly, Lloyd was in a tough position and Steve did indeed leave him in the lurch but he could have come up with something better.

Then there was the Finlay-paternity scam which 'Mother' Teresa Morton invented in order to siphon off guilt money from Lloyd. Teresa managed, with very little difficulty, to convince Lloyd that he was the Dad of Finlay following a one-night stand somewhere, sometime in a galaxy far, far away. Old Lloydie fell for that line, hook, line and sinker and magically starting pulling pound notes out of his pockets like David Blaine on steroids. But, to paraphrase the song 'Billie Jean', the kid was not his son.

More recently, Lloyd decides to hire the creepy John Stapes to be a taxi driver (Friend of Travis Bickle perhaps? - ed). Stape caused a major ruckus on the street, was popped in the kisser by Kev and basically run out of town and school for his conduct. What was Lloyd thinking? What was he thinking once again when he dispatched John-Boy on a late night run to pick up Rosie Webster after a snogfest with her latest beau?

I'm not saying Lloyd should be axed from the show. On the contrary, he has his good points. He did, after all. rescue Becky when Roy's Rolls caught fire (caused black pudding to be blacker than usual - ed). As I say, he has a good heart, I'm just not sure about his brain.

Shots from the Hip: Who should record (Don't fall into) The Mason's Arms? Here's a fake survey of Street denizens:
Darryl: "ELO or PLO - that old, fossil band they're always bangin' on about"
Tina: "The Cortinas, of course"
Vernon: The Rock Rhythm Rascals, if Liz can be our roadie again
Rita: "You can't beat Vera Lynn - but I'll give it a go"
Les Battersby: "The Status Quo, mate"
John Stape: "I'm a bit busy being a psycho right now - but Leonard Cohen's your man"

The Bollywood Graduate

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 2 episode on CBC

So, it all becomes clear. Dev is the graduate. Nina is Mrs. Robinson and her beautiful young daughter, Tara, is Elaine. It's 'The Graduate', Bollywood-style so let the fun and games begin.

I guess the first big clue was that infamous 'leg shot' of Dev while he was having it off with Nina a few episodes back. That was just an appetizer (a samosa surely? - ed) for the action to come. Dev is invited over to Prem and Nina's for dinner. He comes armed with a box of the finest chocolates that money can buy - from The Kabin - which Norris is only too happy to unload. (Seems no-one on the Street wants to pay 16 pounds for candy which saw its best buy date elapse during the Thatcher years).

But Prem has a surprise in 'store' for Dev (ixnay on the puns - ed). He introduces the Devster to his comely young daughter, Tara, who is in town for a visit. Tara is currently working in London but is thinking of escaping the excitement, energy and verve of one of the world's great capitals for the charms of Weatherfield where a gal can take time to just stop and smell the roses (unless the canal is backed up on a hot day).

At dinner the chemistry is electric. Dev shows that he still has all the player moves as he reels off witty lines like, "This sauce is amazing." Meanwhile Nina is the consummate green-eyed monster, undercutting Dev's qualities at every opportunity. Prem says Dev has 'a retail empire'. Nina says he has 'corner shops'. And so on. No matter, Tara is definitely intrigued by Dev and vice versa. Nina is becoming suspicious, jealous and angry. She tries to slam the door on the Tara-Dev relationship before it begins. "I'm afraid that's not going to happen," she hisses as she quickly escorts Dev out of her home. "My husband may have some strange ideas but they're easily dealt with." (what strange ideas? spontaneous combustion? fur underwear?).

So the stage is set for The Graduate, Bollywood style. If memory serves me correctly (unlikely - ed), the original Graduate with Dustin Hoffman back in 1967 eventually worked out okay for Ben and Elaine. Who knows how the Bollywood version will end? In the meantime, 'Here's to you Mr. Allahan... etc etc.'

....

Hip Pocket: Blanche is back with the best line of the week ('natch) about none other than John Stapes, "Once a Thomas strays, they never settle again - unless you get them doctored." Thanks for visiting and enjoy the Sunday omnibus. I'll be back next Tuesday.

Not very PC

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the July 1st episode on CBC

I'm not sure that Police Constable Mel Morton is really cut out for a career in law enforcement with Weatherfield's finest. It's not that I don't like Mel, I do. But let's review her file one week after she has completed her police training.

Item 1: Mel goes out drinking with her very tall, attractive, sexy, blonde (get on with it - ed) co-worker, Abi. Mel gets slightly sauced and wades in to break up a dispute among a group of annoying, noisy young women (the Spice Girls? - ed). This against the advice of the more experienced Abi who is then obliged to wade in to help Mel and consequently suffers a bang on the noggin, a detached retina and the possible end of her career.

Item 2: Marvellous Mel then returns to the scene of the crime (The Milk Bar: 2 drink & 3 fight minimum) to stalk the foul-mouthed assailant with thoughts of revenge dancing in her head. Only the psychopathic intervention of 'St Teresa' stops Mel from taking the law into her own hands. (You know you're in trouble when Teresa becomes your best mate).

Item 3: Despite all her training and against all common sense, Mel decides to arrest Teresa on charges of suspected murder. She does this immediately after discovering that Teresa was popping extra heart pills into Jerry's tandoori chicken and apple pies. Does Mel assess this information, take Teresa down to the police station, interview her and weigh the merits of such a serious action? No. Instead, she arrests Teresa in Jerry's house right in front of the two confused, young children, Kaylee and Finlay. Strike Three.

All this is hardly inspiring confidence in the constabulary. All I can say is that, so far, Mel is no PC Emma Watts (Remember Curly Watts' wife?). Maybe Mel will learn from her mistakes and become a worthy police officer in the future but, the way things are going, she may not get the chance.

Wild about Harry

spoiler alert: this post makes reference to the June 30 episode on CBC

There's a lot of drama going on in the street. Teresa, who seems more and more like some kind of robo-villain out of a Terminator movie or a CIA assassin from the Bourne Identity, is becoming more scary by the minute. Unless that was some kind of shoe phone in her hand, I can only imagine what she did to that young thugette (Abi's assailant) in the washroom of the Milk Bar. Nice of her to help out Mel though, even if it meant breaking several laws and being a certified sociopath. But isn't that what being a good mum is all about?

Meanwhile Nina and Dev continue their dance of deception at Dev's fancy new apartment. (Is it my imagination, or does Prem drop by at least ten times a day? I thought he had a business empire to run). Nina continues to charm the tortured Devster with flattering utterances like "Don't fall at the first fence." (translation: Dev is a horse, possibly a lame horse)

But the prize of the day goes to the Diva Deluxe, Clarissa, who makes a puzzling return to the Rover's (I'd certainly go back to an establishment where I was previously dragged out by my hair, wouldn't you?). Seems Clarissa has some rules which must be observed by Harry if he wants to continue supping ale in his favourite local. Clarissa only reveals one rule ("You do not stand chatting at the bar") but I'm sure she has a few more. I don't know what they are but they probably go something like this...

Clarissa's ground rules for Harry in the Rover's
1. Do not stand chatting at the bar
2. Do not talk to the slapper landlady unless she is standing directly in front of the dart board
3. Do not flirt with Betty Turpin while ordering a hotpot
4. Do not accidentally brush up against any of Liz's low-cut leopard skin outfits
5. Do not ask Vernon to sing 'Mason's Arms'

Welcome to Blanche's Polish Hip

I'm repeating my welcome message in July as I 'roadtest' this new blog. Please bear with me if you've already read it

Hello (or as Blanche might say, 'get on your bike') and thanks for stopping by

Welcome to 'Blanche's Polish hip', a Coronation Street blog named in honour of Blanche Hunt's replacement hip surgery, an operation which was done in Poland for, um, financial reasons and also to make as many people as possible feel guilty (I hope you're listening, Deirdre) . Blanche is the acerbic beacon for this tongue-in-cheek commentary on the Coronation Street episodes watched by faithful Canadian fans every weekday. Like many Corrie fans, I have been watching the show from 'Corrie Central' (i.e. my living room in Montreal) for a long, long time and enjoy discussing characters and stories - usually from a humorous perspective. My fictitious editor frequently adds his own cryptic comments to blog entries (in parentheses and in italics and attributed to 'ed').

Blog posts are generally updated three or four times a week following the airing of weekday episodes on CBC TV so please be aware of the potential for spoilers -- especially if you're a Sunday omnibus edition viewer.

I hope you enjoy visiting (or as Blanche might say, 'stop reading this mindless twittering and put the kettle on')